Job Applicant Code
What job applicants really
mean on their applications and resumes and in employment interviews
"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL
SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac.
When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG
COMMUNICATION &ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell otherpeople what to do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE
ORGANIZATION:" I'veused Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I
pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I
hope you don't ask
me about all the McJobs I've had.
me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others
for my mistakes.
"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep
crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of
corny, old jokesand I tell them badly.
"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited
persona advice to co-workers.
"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San
Quentin, anywhere's better.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a
Day-Timer.
"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR
REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The
minute I find a better job.
I'm outta there.
I'm outta there.
"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college
drop-out.
"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been
accused of
sexual harassment.
sexual harassment.
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:"
Wait! Don't throw me away!
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:"
Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
On The Job Wisdom
1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a
job with a better company
someday.
someday.
2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned
off due to
budget cuts.
budget cuts.
3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay
your rent.
4. Rome did not create a great empire by having
meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity
probably has a scapegoat.
6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.
7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid
altogether.
8. Never quit until you have another job.
9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an
incompetent slacker.
11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get
you to work for free.
12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who
like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.
Eight signs you have nothing to do at work
1.You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar
2.You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.
3.You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
4.You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.
5.People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
6.No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.
7.You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.
8.The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.
Office Dares
ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2. Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least
one other non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say "good
morning" to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave
your nameand say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your
hands over your ears and grimace.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it,
and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone
points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every
time the doors open.
THREE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and
shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask
"Did youget all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise
your voice).
4.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink
directly from thenozzle (there must be a "non-player" within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT OFFICE DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it
would benice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while
they watchyou with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as
"Bob."
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you
"really have to go do a number two."
5. After every sentence, say "mon" in a
really bad Jamaican accent, i.e., "the report's on your desk, mon." Keep this up for one hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into
the elevator.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your
forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce
"As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See
how I look in tights?"
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask
"You wanna trade?"
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the
same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's
gone now."
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why,
say, "I can't talk about it."
13. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig,
etc) during a very important conference call.\
14. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the
back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
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