The Geography of Men and Woman

The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man

------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

Men's Thesaurus

The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:

"I'M GOING FISHING"

Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

IT'S A GUY THING"

Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."

Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."

Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".

Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".

Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".

Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."

"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Guy

- Ahhhh, it's cute.

- Why don't we just cuddle?

- You know they have surgery to fix that.

- Can I paint a smiley face on it?

- Wow, and your feet are so big.

- Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

- Oh no...a flash headache.

- (giggle and point)

- Can I be honest with you?

- This explains your car.

- Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

- Why is God punishing me?

- At least this won't take long.

- I never saw one like that before.

- But it still works, right?

- Maybe it looks better in natural light.

- Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

- Are you cold?

- If you get me real drunk first.

- Is that an optical illusion?

- What is that?

- It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

- So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

Stupid Men Jokes

What do you call a man with half a brain? 

Gifted. 

What's the difference between government bonds and men? 

Bonds Mature. 

What is the difference between a man and a catfish? 

One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. 

What did God say after creating man? 

I can do better. 

Husband: Want a quickie? 

Wife: As opposed to what? 

Why do men want to mary virgins? 

They can't stand criticism. 

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. 

They had a man born with a penis and a brain. 

What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand? 

A man's undivided attention. 

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 

1.No mind. 

2.No business. 

How is a man like a snowstorm? 

Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay. 

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? 

He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal. 

Why are men like laxatives? 

They irritate the shit out of you. 

What do you call an intelligent man in America? 

A tourist. 

Why do jocks play on artificial turf? 

To keep them from grazing. 

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows.

Why do men name their penises? 

Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? 

Because they already have boyfriends. 

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? 

He had it bronzed. 

Why do men like masturbation? 

It's sex with someone they love. 

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? 

Two ways to cross a river. 

What is gross stupidity?

144 men in one room. 

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it. 

Wife: You wear briefs, don't you? 

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? 

The porcupine has pricks on the outside. 

How many men does it take to pop popcorn? 

Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove. 

What is a man's view of safe sex?

A padded headboard. 

How do men sort their laundry? 

"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable". 

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it. 

Why did God create man? 

Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. 

Why were men given larger brains than dogs? 

So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. 

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird." The other man looked up and said, "where?" 

Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? 

To keep the swellin down.