Pregnancy FAQ

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called Religious Sex. Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 7th kind of sex is called Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

Doctors In Translation

Doctor: "This should be taken care of right away."
Translation: "I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

Doctor: "Let me check your medical history."
Translation: "I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you."

Doctor: "We have some good news and some bad news."
Translation: "The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it."

Doctor: "Let me schedule you for some tests."
Translation: "I have a forty percent interest in the lab."

Doctor: "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
Translation: "I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."

Doctor: "If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Translation: "I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself."

Doctor: "I'd like to run some more tests."
Translation: "I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve it."