Work vs. Prison
In prison you spend the majority of your time
in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X
8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and
you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with
more work.
At work you must carry around a security card
and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the
doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and
playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go
somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own loo.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to
visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family
and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers,
with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go
to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking
through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to
get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you
can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never
get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often
sadistic.
At work we have managers.
Interview Mistakes
See photo of interviewer's family on desk,
point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin
and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded
that.'
Constantly fidget with underwear waistband,
then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?'
After detailing your greatest achievement,
qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.'
Inquire on office policy of friends staying
over.
Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al
Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Allow that you would little impact on the
overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job.
Although parking was free, insist that they
validate something or you're not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger,
but you didn't feel like making anything else up.
Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap
during the interview.
Walk into interviewer's office with a tape
measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can
begin.'
Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward
interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???'
Upon walking in to the office for first time,
ask receptionist to hold all your calls.
Pilot Reports
Here are some actual maintenance complaints
submitted by US Air Force pilots
and the replies from the maintenance crews:
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost
needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto land
very rough."
Solution: "Auto land not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop
fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on
right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably
loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode
produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle
levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine
missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
12 Advantages of being a man
& the only 2 disadvantage
12 top advantages of being a man:
1. You can play football
2. You don\'t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
3. It doesn\'t ruin your day if your best freind doesn\'t notice your new
haircut.
4. You don\'t need a diamond ring to make a commitment.
5. You just make the babies, you don\'t have to give them.
6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. You don\'t cook, you barbeque.
8. You get to make fun of homosexuals instead of shopping with them.
9. The only nails you break are steel.
10. When you hit 30, you\'re still drinking beer.
11. Red doesn\'t make you look fat.
12. Weight-watchers doesn\'t allow men.
The only 2 disadvantages of being
a man:
1. Bars don\'t have men\'s night
(They only have ladies night.)
2. You can\'t get a job by showing your boobs.
52 WORST PICKUP LINES...
1. Your name must be Daisy,
because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Roses are red, violets are
blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.
3. Just call me milk, I'll do
your body good.
4. Your body's name must be visa,
because it's everywhere I want to be.
5. Can I buy you a drink, or do
you just want the money?
6. I may not be Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
7. I may not be the best looking
guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. My love for you is like the
energizer bunny, it keeps going and going....
9. That shirt looks very becoming
on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy
Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.
11. I'd like to screw your brains
out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
12. I enjoy doing maintenance,
you look like someone I would like to"tinker" around with.
13. You must be from Pearl
Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb - diggity.
14. If you were a new hamburger
at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
15. Is that Windex? Because I can
see myself in your pants.
16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm
looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
17. I wish you were a Pony
Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
18. Wanna Play House? You be the
screen door and I'll slam you all night long.
19. If you're going to regret
this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that
was a braille name tag.
21. If you were a car, I wax you
and ride you all over town.
22. Guy: "Would you like to
dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must
have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"
23. Excuse me, do you have your
phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.
24. I look good on you.
25. I'm new in town, could I have
directions to your house.
26. If your left leg was
Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can visit you between the Holidays?
27. You look like a girl that has
heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
28. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is
your name Yolanda?
29. I love every bone in your
body - especially mine.
30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck,
or should I apologize.
31. You might not be the best
looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
32. Do you want to dance, No?
Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.
33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how
good are you at playing dead?
34. I lost my bed, can I borrow
yours?
35. You must be Jamaican, because
Jamaican me crazy.
36. My recipe for love is one cup
of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot.
37. Are your legs tired, because
you've been running through my mind all day long.
38. You be the tree, and I'll
wrap you like a Koala.
39. Hey baby, I'm like American
Express, you don't want to leave home without me.
40. Do you have a quarter? My
mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
41. The word for the night is
legs, let's go back to my room and spread the word.
42. Hey baby, what's your sign?
Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
43. Hi my name is _______,
remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.
44. I can't find my puppy, can
you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
45. Was you dad a farmer? Cause
you sure have great melons.
46. Want to play conductor?? You
be the engineer and I'll go Choochoo.
47. You must be Jelly, cause jam
don't shake like that.
48. The fact that I'm missing my
teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
49. Guy: "haven't I seen you
someplace before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I
don't go there anymore"
50. Hi, my name is Skippy, like
the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.
51. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to
jump on my stick?
52. Guy: Want to go get a pizza
and a fuck?
Girl: No!
Guy: What, you don't like pizza?
Men Are Like...
Men are like ... Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like ... Cement
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Blenders
You think that you need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Coolers
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like ... Copiers
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like ... Curling Irons
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like ... Government Bonds
They take so long to mature.
Men are like ... High Heels
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like ... Horoscopes
They always tell you what to do, but they're usually wrong.
Men are like ... Lawn Mowers
If you're not pushing one around, you're usually riding it.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like ... Laxatives
They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like ... Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Mini Skirts
If you're not careful they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like ... Noodles
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Men are like ... Parking Spots
The good ones are already taken, and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.
Men are like ... Weather
Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Plungers
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like ... Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Placemats
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like ... Snowstorms
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ... Used Cars
Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.
Men are like ... Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.
