Resumania

'Resumania' is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's
parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job
candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here are some
examples:

'I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.' (And an eye on the 'e' section of the dictionary, evidently.)

'Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.'(No problem ...)

'Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually
inseparable. '(Glad to hear it.)

'I am very detail-oriented. '(With the possible exception of spelling)

'I can play well with others.' (We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)

'Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.' (A new twist on work-family
balance.)

'Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.' (Have you considered
law school?)

'My salary requirement is $34 per year.' (They say money isn't everything.)

'Served as assistant sore manager.' (Ouch.)

'Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle.' (So you're willing to travel?)

'I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live.' (And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

'Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job.' (We're glad you're not bitter.)

What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. 

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. 

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office. 

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies. 

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. 

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes. 

I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room. 

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them
badly. 

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. 

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. 

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer. 

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced. 

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot. 

I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk. 

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there. 

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out. 

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment. 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away! 

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Did You Hear...?

As it rolls downhill...

Memo from Director General to Manager: 

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. 

Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost. 

__
Memo from Manager to Department Head: 

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.The Director General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
__
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager: 

The Director General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.
__
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor: 

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director General will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
__
Memo from Supervisor to staff: 

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director general disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

Aircraft Maintenance Problems and Solutions

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as "squawks," submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal see page.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Work vs. Prison

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. 

At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle. 

In prison you get three meals a day. 

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. 

In prison you get time off for good behavior. 

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. 

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. 

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. 

In prison you can watch TV and play games. 

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. 

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. 

At work you are just ball-and-chained. 

In prison you get your own loo. 

At work you have to share. 

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. 

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends. 

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. 

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. 

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. 

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. 

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. 

At work there are some programs you can never get out of. 

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. 

At work we have managers.

Interview Mistakes

See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably. 

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.' 

Constantly fidget with underwear waistband, then blurt: 'The strawberry ones are the stickiest, don't ya' think?' 

After detailing your greatest achievement, qualify with, 'Of course I was totally hammered at the time.' 

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over. 

Claim you wouldn't even need a sit-in job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'.

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier. 

Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor. 

Allow that you would little impact on the overhead budget, because you swiped all the supplies from your other job. 

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

Ask the secretary if she'll sit on your lap during the interview. 

Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'

Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, these smell funny to you???' 

Upon walking in to the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.

Pilot Reports

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots
and the replies from the maintenance crews: 

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." 

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto land very rough."
Solution: "Auto land not installed on this aircraft." 

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."

Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." 

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." 

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed." 

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." 

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order." 

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." 

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." 

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for." 

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

DON’T FORGET TO LAUGHT !!!

Shampoo Warning 

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!
I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is thiswarning,
"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone

I'll be in the shower!