Top 11 signs you watch too much TV

11) You end telephone conversations with the phrase, "You are
the weakest link. Goodbye!"
10) You wonder why the people at TV guide have never won the
Pulitzer Prize.
9) Your lifelong dream is to say "Live from New York, its
Saturday Night!!"
8) You keep wooden stakes and garlic handy in case Buffy ever
needs your help.
7) Every time someone angers you, you threaten to "vote them off
the island" the next chance you get.
6) You wonder if the dog from "Frasier" will ever be as big as
Lassie.
5) You write angry letters in Klingon to the producers of Star
Trek wondering why the hell Seven of Nine doesn't get more face
time.
4) You wonder if today is the day the coyote finally catches the
roadrunner.
3) You end every conversation with "And that's the bottom line,
cause (insert your name here) said so."
2) You honestly believe that you can pass medical school based
solely on your knowledge from watching "ER".
and the number one reason you know you've been watching too much
TV...
1) Every time someone answers one of your questions, you ask,
"Is that your final answer?"

 

What I Learned From Horror Movies

.

If you ever find yourself in a horror movie situation.....always
remember this.
1. If you say "I'll be right right back".......you're not coming
back.
2. If you decide to sit in a the chair in the middle of a old
dreary cob-webbed room, and the door closes behind you.... it's
not the wind...and you might as well sit in that chair, put your
head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.
3. If your not famous you might as well commit suicide.
4. The person you hate most will always be the one your stuck
with in that life-or-death situation.
5. If you make a new friend your will be the one to ethier find
their mutalated body or see them being killed, while your
helplessly tied to the table.
6. Black dudes alway die first.
7. When the mood of the music changes, RUN LIKE HELL!!!
8. Never, under any cercumstances go to the
BASEMENT.......Hello, darkness, boxes, pipes.........Where is
the first place your killers gonna hide????
9. If you suspect your husband or boyfriend is the killer, but
your best friend tells you your crazy.....she's wrong, he is the
killer and you're next...........DUMP HIS ASS!!! There are other
fish in the sea.
10. The person you least expect weather they stutter, are
small,"too" young, or act timid......they are the killer,
specially the retarded younger brother or sister.
11. When you are being chased in your house by the killer, and
you have two options....the door outside or upstairs.....please,
for god-sake don't go upstairs.
12. If there is a killer in your dreams that has a burnt face
and knives for hands, it's time to buy coffee.....I mean come
on, haven't you seen Freddy Kruger!
13. Attacks by your killers are always after watching a horror
movie.
14. There is always someone in the house that is killed before
you are, then you find them, scream, and run straight into the
killer......SMART ONE!!
15. If you get a phone call, telling you to check
outside.......why bother???? They've already found a way in.
16. if you get an anonomous call from someone breathing
heavily....no, it's not your kid brother playing tricks.....and
it doesn't help to try to call the police cause just as they
pick up, the phone will go dead.......and they will come and
find you mutillated in the living room.
17. If your companions walk out of the room to get something,
you better get out of that damn house, forget them their long
gone.
18.The idea of safety in numbers, does not, I repeat DOES NOT
apply here......eventualy one of you will have to go to the
bathroom.
19. Screaming won't help.......usually your in the middle of the
woods in a small town.
20. When check noices......bring some kind of a
weapon.........no matter how old the house is, or how hard the
winds blowing....Noices don't just happen.

 

Things to Do at a Boring Movie

1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Start wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some
Juiji Fruits for you asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girls' bathroom is flooding.
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman!
Hahaha!" and run away.
14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend
already is.
16. Yell out loud, "Stop molesting me!"
17. Gently, very softly, place a single pooped kernel of corn on the head
of the person in front of you.
18. Scream out, "Hey, this isn't Bambi!"
19. Stare at the person sitting across the aisle from you, then quickley
look back at the screen when they notice, then stare at them again when
they turn back to the screen.
20. See if you can get a moistened Jujy Fruit to stick to the screen.
21. Yell to the projectionist, "Can you pause it? I gotta pee!"

 

Top Ten Reasons Star Wars Is Better Than Star Trek

10. "Look sir, droids!"
9. No time travlers picking up their own heads.
8. No alternate universes.
7. No transporters to save your butt at the last minute.
6. Aliens with makeup somewhere besides their foreheads.
5. Starship battles in 3 dimensions.
4. War, not neutral zones!
3. No ultra-powerful aliens with one-letter names.
2. No holodecks for lame plot ideas invented by actors.
1. Princess Leia in that slave girl outfit at Jabba's!

Top 10 reasons COMPILERS must be female

10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Small talk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild.

Dogs vs. women part

 

Why Dogs Are Better Than Women
Dogs don't cry.
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are,
the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.

Gift Buying Rules For Men

Print this out and leave laying around where those of the Female
persuasion can see it.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already
has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a
man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can
I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch
socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99-cent
ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear
view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes.
Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't
have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.
If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little
picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and
flips....

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a
cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant.
I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of
weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups.
Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It
will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, ParrLumber, Home
Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.(NAPA Auto Parts
and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't
matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be
something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow!
Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get
him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line
leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Seahawks game are a smart gift. However, he will not
appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone
knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you
don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a
label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension
ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder.
No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least
the Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope.
No one knows why.

"It's a guy thing."

Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical." 

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?" 

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. 

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works." 

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead." 

"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." 

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." 

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?" 

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means: "I forgot our anniversary again." 

"You expect too much of me."
Really means: "You want me to stay awake." 

"That's women's work."
Really means: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless." 

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." 

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means: "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." 

"I do help around the house."
Really means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket." 

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."\

"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." 

"What did I do this time?"
Really means: "What did you catch me doing?" 

"I heard you."
Really means: "I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." 

"You look terrific."
Really means: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." 

"I missed you."
Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper." 

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again." 

"We share the housework."
Really means: "I make the messes, you clean them up." 

"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means: "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck." 

"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

Real Life Animal Laws

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8 am and after 4 pm in Norfolk, Virginia.

Ducks quacking after 10 pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey are breaking the law.

In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits.

In McDonald, Ohio, farmers cannot march a goose down a city street. And fowl, particularly roosters, are prohibited from going into bakeries in Massachusetts.

In Kansas, it is illegal for chicken thieves to work during daylight hours.

In New York, frogs may be taken from their ponds from June 16 to September 30, but only between sunrise and sunset.

In Pennsylvania, no one is allowed to shoot bullfrogs on a Sunday.

In Arizona, the bullfrog-hunting season is permanently closed.

In Vermont, you can be fined if your pig runs in a public park without the permission of a selectman.

French Lick Springs, Indiana, once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th.

Madison, Wisconsin, will not allow joint custody of a family pet when a couple divorces - the animal is legally awarded to whoever happens to have possession of it at the time of the initial separation.

Dogs in Foxpoint, Wisconsin, may not bark profusely, snarl, or make any menacing gestures.

In Texas, it's illegal to put graffiti on someone else's cow.

It is illegal to ride a mule down Lang, Kansas' Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.

Over in Berea, Kentucky and also in Willamantic, Connecticut, horses are not allowed out on the streets and highways at night unless the animal has a "bright" red taillight securely attached to its rump.

Horses may not wear cowbells inside the city limits of Tahoe City, California.

In Washington, though, every cow wandering the streets of Seattle must be wearing a cowbell.

In Burns, Oregon, horses are allowed in the town's taverns, if an admission fee is paid before they enter.

You can't blow your nose in public places in Leahy, Washington, because it might scare a horse and cause it to panic.

In Wanassa, New Jersey, a dog is breaking the law if it is heard to be "crying."

The Secret Diary of a Cat

 

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait; it is only a matter of time....

Funny Play with Celebrity Names

Here are some possible married names:

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and
married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy
Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe
Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced
him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no
other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license.

If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog
Nog Hughes Dare.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack
Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp
Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married
Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody
Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King
Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener
(mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been fired from his job. 

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. 

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. 

-It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts

 - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked them out. 

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. 

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. 

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 

-When foreigners are alone, they all prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. 

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. 

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child. 

-Every time a person turns on the television to see the news, he instantly sees what he wants and what concerns him.

 

Quotes to think about

 

"People never say "it's only a game" when they are winning"-

"Only in America. . . do banks leave both doors open and then
chain the pen to the counter

"Only in America. . . do people order large fries, double
cheeseburgers, and a diet coke."


"How do they get that deer to cross the road at the yellow
sign?"

"If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with
"quit while you're ahead?"

"The early bird gets the worm, but the the second mouse gets the
cheese."

"If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her
friends?"

"I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they
gave me the axe."

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body."
"Never eat more than you can lift."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific."

YOU DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN

* Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

* You ski uphill.

* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

* You speed walk in your sleep.

* You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

* You answer the door before people knock.

* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

* You sleep with your eyes open.

* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

* The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

* You lick your coffeepot clean.

* You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

* You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

* You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

* You chew on other people's fingernails.

* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

* You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

* You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

* You can jump-start your car without cables.

* All your kids are named "Joe."

* You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.

* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

* You don't sweat, you percolate.

* You buy milk by the barrel.

* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

* You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

* You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

* People get dizzy just watching you.

* When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."

* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

* You're so wired, you pick up FM radio.

* People can test their batteries in your ears.

* Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans."

* Instant coffee takes too long.

* You channel surf faster without a remote.

* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

* You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

* You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

* You get drunk just so you can sober up.

* You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

* Your Thermos is on wheels.

* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

* You short out motion detectors.

* You have a conniption over spilled milk.

* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

* You don't tan, you roast.

* You don't get mad, you get steamed.

* Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.

* Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.

* You can't even remember your second cup.

* You help your dog chase its tail.

* You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

* You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate."

* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Important

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

Lifes Reflections

1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

8. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

10 Ways to tell your internet connection is slow.

1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code

2. Graphics arrive via FedEx

3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection

4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later

5. Your credit card expires while ordering online

6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner" ...for 1989

7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan"

8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump

9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them

10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens
on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.

Black belt degrees

Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt

Master of Judo

Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:

Escape from Dojo

The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.

Sleeper Stance

Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.

Sigh of Wisdom

Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.

Crossing Fingers

A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.

Gift of Instruction

The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.

Seeing Without Seeing

The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.

Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)

Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.

Mugger's Defense

Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.

Sensei's Downfall

Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.

Further requirements:

Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).

Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.

Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.

Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.

Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.

Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).

Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).

Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.

Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.

Must be able to sing Karaoke.

Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)

Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).

Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".

Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.

Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.

Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.

Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.

Note:

Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.

Kids View of Marriage and Relationships

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
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"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
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"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
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"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, 6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
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"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
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"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8.

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
--------------------------------------------------------
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
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"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
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"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
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"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-----------------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

Marriage quotes

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. -- Dick Martin

I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. -- Tynan

I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? -- Phyllis Diller

I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?

If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. -- Chekhov

If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks. -- Rita Rudner

Why Dogs Don't Use Computers


Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.


Fetch command not available on all platforms.


Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.


Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.


Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."


Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.


Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.


Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.


Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.


Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.


Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.


Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome


Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...


Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.


SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.


SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!


Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.


Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.


Too Hard To Type With Paws