Need a change? Here's the Spice Girls Application Form . . .
Name:
Age:
Real Age:
1. How would you describe yourself?
a. An energetic self starter
b. A team player
c. Pro-active
d. A tasty bit of crumpet
2. Do you have any vestige of talent, besides your chest or butt?
3. Would it bother you if you were the target of unrelenting hatred?
4. Are you willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music
industry?
a. Yes
b. No
5.How many times have you been kicked out of karaoke bar?
6. Does nudity bother you? If so give three excuses for your
portfolio.
7. Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual
free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical
medicine and modern behaviourist psychology. ...just kidding!!
6. Seriously, do you like wearing leather mini-skirts?
a. Yes
b. No
8. Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?
9. Choose an appropriate SPICE nickname:
a. Sexy
b. Nasty
c. Sweetie
d. Eezie
e. Syphilis
f. Olde
10. Choose an appropriate SPICE image:
a. Cute, blonde, appeals to paedophiles
b. Tub of lard
c. Bloke in a tracksuit
d. Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity
e. Terrifying to small children and old men
f. All of the above
11. Do you promise to make two albums and then go away forever?
a. Yes
b. No
12. Elvis Costello is________________.
a. the king of rock and roll
b. former partner to Bud Abbott
c. Ollet Socsivle backwards
d. oh, you know, this guy
13. If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometres and
75 kilometres an hour respectively, how would you look in a bikini?
14. If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help
alleviate Prince Charles' loneliness?
a. Yes
b. No
15. List three body parts you'd be willing to pierce and expose
continuously.
16. In the space provided, tell us why you want, why you really,
really, want this job.
Name:
Age:
Real Age:
1. How would you describe yourself?
a. An energetic self starter
b. A team player
c. Pro-active
d. A tasty bit of crumpet
2. Do you have any vestige of talent, besides your chest or butt?
3. Would it bother you if you were the target of unrelenting hatred?
4. Are you willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music
industry?
a. Yes
b. No
5.How many times have you been kicked out of karaoke bar?
6. Does nudity bother you? If so give three excuses for your
portfolio.
7. Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual
free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical
medicine and modern behaviourist psychology. ...just kidding!!
6. Seriously, do you like wearing leather mini-skirts?
a. Yes
b. No
8. Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?
9. Choose an appropriate SPICE nickname:
a. Sexy
b. Nasty
c. Sweetie
d. Eezie
e. Syphilis
f. Olde
10. Choose an appropriate SPICE image:
a. Cute, blonde, appeals to paedophiles
b. Tub of lard
c. Bloke in a tracksuit
d. Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity
e. Terrifying to small children and old men
f. All of the above
11. Do you promise to make two albums and then go away forever?
a. Yes
b. No
12. Elvis Costello is________________.
a. the king of rock and roll
b. former partner to Bud Abbott
c. Ollet Socsivle backwards
d. oh, you know, this guy
13. If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometres and
75 kilometres an hour respectively, how would you look in a bikini?
14. If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help
alleviate Prince Charles' loneliness?
a. Yes
b. No
15. List three body parts you'd be willing to pierce and expose
continuously.
16. In the space provided, tell us why you want, why you really,
really, want this job.
************************************
Name:______________________________
SOCIAL SECURITY
No:____________________
ADDRESS:___________________________
CITY:__________________________________
STAFF ELEMENT:_____________________ HOME PHONE
No.:________________________
MALE:___________ FEMALE:___________ OFFICE PHONE
No.:______________________
SEXUAL PREFERENCE: Male - Female
Female - Female
Male - Male
All of the Above
None of the Above - Please Specify:
_____________________
I CONSENT TO THE FOLLOWING FORMS OF SEXUAL HARRASSMENT:
Salutatory Greeting: _____________________
Eye-to-Eye Contact: ______________________
Eye-to-Bust Contatct: ____________________
Eye-to-Below Waist Contact: ______________
Heavy breathing on neck: _________________
ear: __________________
other: ________________
Hands on body: ___________________________
shoulder: _______________________
waist: __________________________
Gluteus Maximus: ________________
other: __________________________
Feelies: _________________________________
Gropies: _________________________________
Penetration (however slight): ____________
Other: ___________________________________
All of the Above: ________________________
MISCELLANEOUS: I WILL I WILL NOT
1. Assist in procurement of various potions, lotions, products,
appliances,etc. to be used during sexual harassment.
2. Assist in procurement and maintenance of various types of substaining
apparatus.
3. Clean up.
I CERTIFY THAT I WILL ACCEPT SEXUAL HARASSMENT FROM:
Anyone: __________________________________
Anyone But: ______________________________
Only: ____________________________________
SIGNATURE: _______________________________________ DATE:
____________________
This form is to be reviewed by immediate supervisor annually, prior to
performance rating and evaluation.
No:____________________
ADDRESS:___________________________
CITY:__________________________________
STAFF ELEMENT:_____________________ HOME PHONE
No.:________________________
MALE:___________ FEMALE:___________ OFFICE PHONE
No.:______________________
SEXUAL PREFERENCE: Male - Female
Female - Female
Male - Male
All of the Above
None of the Above - Please Specify:
_____________________
I CONSENT TO THE FOLLOWING FORMS OF SEXUAL HARRASSMENT:
Salutatory Greeting: _____________________
Eye-to-Eye Contact: ______________________
Eye-to-Bust Contatct: ____________________
Eye-to-Below Waist Contact: ______________
Heavy breathing on neck: _________________
ear: __________________
other: ________________
Hands on body: ___________________________
shoulder: _______________________
waist: __________________________
Gluteus Maximus: ________________
other: __________________________
Feelies: _________________________________
Gropies: _________________________________
Penetration (however slight): ____________
Other: ___________________________________
All of the Above: ________________________
MISCELLANEOUS: I WILL I WILL NOT
1. Assist in procurement of various potions, lotions, products,
appliances,etc. to be used during sexual harassment.
2. Assist in procurement and maintenance of various types of substaining
apparatus.
3. Clean up.
I CERTIFY THAT I WILL ACCEPT SEXUAL HARASSMENT FROM:
Anyone: __________________________________
Anyone But: ______________________________
Only: ____________________________________
SIGNATURE: _______________________________________ DATE:
____________________
This form is to be reviewed by immediate supervisor annually, prior to
performance rating and evaluation.
**************************************
This is so cool.
Read this sentence:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count ALOUD the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go
back and count them again. See below...
ANSWER:
There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three
of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you
can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch. Many people forget the OF's. The human brain tends
to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, huh? It fools almost
everybody.
Read this sentence:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count ALOUD the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go
back and count them again. See below...
ANSWER:
There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three
of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you
can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch. Many people forget the OF's. The human brain tends
to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, huh? It fools almost
everybody.
********************************
Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz?
1. Name the Beatles, first and last names.
2. Finish this line: Lions, and tigers, and bears ... (2 words)
3. Hey kids, what time is it? (4 words)
4. What do M and amp;Ms do?
5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?
6. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew
him as ... (2 words)
7. You'll wonder where the yellow went, ... (7 words)
8. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's
best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial)
9. M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y ... (5 words)
10. A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what?
11. Brylcream: ... (6 words)
12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words)
13. I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who ... (6 words)
14. War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ... (2 words)
15. Where have all the flowers gone?
16. Superman, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a
great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for
truth, justice, and ... (3 words)
17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the
greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial
wearing women's pantyhose? Extra credit if you know his nickname!
18. I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong
to the finish ... (5 words)
19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators?
20. In The Graduate, Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised
about his future and told to consider one thing. What?
21. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor,
announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, Just
think, you don't have ... to kick around any more. (2 words)
And he lied!
22. Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive. He stood
six feet six, weighed 245 pounds, kinda broad at the shoulder
and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you didn't give no
lip to ... (2 words)
23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)
24. Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ... (3 words)
25. Good night, Chet. ... (3 words)
26. Liar, liar, ... (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey movie!
27. When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star
today! Smile! ... (4 words)
.
.
.
.
.
Answers:
1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney (Sir), George Harrison, Ringo Starr
(Richard Starkey)
2. Oh, my!
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder bread
6. Casius Clay
7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
8. Maynard G. Crebbs
9. ... why, because we like you.
10. nothing but a smile!
11. a little dab will do ya.
12. over 30!
13. ...who wrote the book of love
14. absolutely nothing!
15. long time passing
16. the American way
17. Joe Nameth, aka Broadway Joe, aka Joe Willie.
18. ...'cause I eats me spinach.
19. Mary Martin.
20. Plastic
21. d*ck Nixon.
22. Big John
23. on blueberry hill.
24. ...wherever you are.
25. Good night, David.
26. ...pants on fire.
27. You're on Candid Camera.
1. Name the Beatles, first and last names.
2. Finish this line: Lions, and tigers, and bears ... (2 words)
3. Hey kids, what time is it? (4 words)
4. What do M and amp;Ms do?
5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?
6. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew
him as ... (2 words)
7. You'll wonder where the yellow went, ... (7 words)
8. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's
best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial)
9. M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y ... (5 words)
10. A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what?
11. Brylcream: ... (6 words)
12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words)
13. I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who ... (6 words)
14. War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ... (2 words)
15. Where have all the flowers gone?
16. Superman, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a
great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for
truth, justice, and ... (3 words)
17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the
greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial
wearing women's pantyhose? Extra credit if you know his nickname!
18. I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong
to the finish ... (5 words)
19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators?
20. In The Graduate, Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised
about his future and told to consider one thing. What?
21. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor,
announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, Just
think, you don't have ... to kick around any more. (2 words)
And he lied!
22. Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive. He stood
six feet six, weighed 245 pounds, kinda broad at the shoulder
and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you didn't give no
lip to ... (2 words)
23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)
24. Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ... (3 words)
25. Good night, Chet. ... (3 words)
26. Liar, liar, ... (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey movie!
27. When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star
today! Smile! ... (4 words)
.
.
.
.
.
Answers:
1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney (Sir), George Harrison, Ringo Starr
(Richard Starkey)
2. Oh, my!
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder bread
6. Casius Clay
7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
8. Maynard G. Crebbs
9. ... why, because we like you.
10. nothing but a smile!
11. a little dab will do ya.
12. over 30!
13. ...who wrote the book of love
14. absolutely nothing!
15. long time passing
16. the American way
17. Joe Nameth, aka Broadway Joe, aka Joe Willie.
18. ...'cause I eats me spinach.
19. Mary Martin.
20. Plastic
21. d*ck Nixon.
22. Big John
23. on blueberry hill.
24. ...wherever you are.
25. Good night, David.
26. ...pants on fire.
27. You're on Candid Camera.
****************************************
Guyness Quiz
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide
to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
you should repeatedly shout: I am just dislodging food trapped in this
male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!)
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear
blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her
is:
a. Do they need to eat or anything?
b. They're in school already?
c. There are three of them?
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names,
but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.
How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
c. A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease and cancer.
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide
to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?
a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
you should repeatedly shout: I am just dislodging food trapped in this
male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!)
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear
blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her
is:
a. Do they need to eat or anything?
b. They're in school already?
c. There are three of them?
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names,
but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.
How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
c. A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease and cancer.
