An insurance company

Form Feed

Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus.

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:

Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn

Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo

Giving sad news to a troop

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

Requesting a three day pass

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

Giving very odd excuses

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Change your course now

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Recruiting any and all pilots

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

Bragging about old times

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

My men are very brave

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

Speaking with the general

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

The Colonel's Order

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

Reward these soldiers for their work

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"

General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"

Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"

General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"

Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

Practical joke on his ex-girlfriend

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

Landing at a hidden military base

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Lease nuclear weapons

Lease a Nuke!

Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation?

Lease a nuclear device!

In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused.

Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated target's military, political, economic and social well being.

Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police's encouragement.

Why lease?

By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too.

Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years to aquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously.

Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers?

Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose existing conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even military action.

With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by renegade generals in your own army.



The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You can even change your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty coup d' etats.) You can announce your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof actual delivery capability.

The best part is, you don't pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives.

Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own button. You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger.

Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax corpoaration for more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power.

Dr. Nuketopia,

Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy

(Opinions strictly reflect the party line)

The corporate boat race

An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

The Japanese team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.

After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.

The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

The results of a government study

For the past three years, the government has worked hard and spent many tax dollars to find the approval ratings for unemployment.

They have concluded that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of the working population.

Now let's just hope that the unemployment rate doesn't change.

Stop being late to work

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"

The accident report

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.

In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.

How to look busy

Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.

Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.

Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.



Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"

Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, "Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining... Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time to buy, I tell ya!"



Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior.

Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.



Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.

Reality: You are playing Tetris.



Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.

Reality: You are paying your electric bill.



Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual.

Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual.



Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.

Reality: You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"

The work qualification test

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.

Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job"

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."

Bosses versus workers

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

Signs Technology Took Over Your Life

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. You know more about the computer than about all of your friends.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better, the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

32. You don't even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone's keyed them into e-mail and forwarded it to you.

33. You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.

34. You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.

35. While you're away from home, the first three numbers you call are your voicenet, a bulletin board, and one of your e-mail accounts.

36. You are reading this from a screen.

Employee want ad translations

Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.

Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.

Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.

Fast learner: You will get no training from us.

Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.

Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.

Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.

Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.

Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.

Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.

Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.

Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.

Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.

Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.

Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

Performance evaluation translations

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.

Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.

Active socially: Drinks heavily.

Alert to company developments: An office gossip.

Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.

Average: Not too bright.

Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.

Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.

Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.

Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

Conscientious and careful: Scared.

Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.

Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.

Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.

Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.

Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.

Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.

Enjoys job: Needs more to do.

Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.

Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.

Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.

Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.

Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.

Happy: Paid too much.

Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.

Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.

Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.

Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.

Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.

Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.

Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.

Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.

Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.

Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.

Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.

Maintains professional attitude: A snob.

Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.

Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.

Not a desk person: Did not go to college.

Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.

Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.

Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.

Should go far: Please.

Slightly below average: Stupid.

Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.

Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.

Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.

Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.

Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.

Takes pride in work: Conceited.

Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.

Uses resources well: Delegates everything.

Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.

Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.

Well organized: Does too much busywork.

Will go far: Relative of management.

Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.

Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

Looks bad on resume cover letters

1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.

2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.

3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.

4. I know where you live.

5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."

6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.

7. Happy faces.

8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.

9. I'm confident that I'll get this job. The voices told me.

The copy machine handout

In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet.

The copier is out of order!
Yes, we have called the service man.
Yes, he will be in today.
No, we cannot fix it.
No, we do not know how long it will take.
No, we do not know what caused it.
No, we do not know who broke it.
Yes, we are keeping it.
No, we do not know what you are going to do now.

Thank You

The Procrastinator's creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

Reasons to leave work

1. Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances.

2. Came dressed in only a towel...again.

3. Ran out of paper clips.

4. I've decided to telecommute.

5. Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House.

6. It's a long drive home to Texas.

7. One-day sale at Macy's.

8. My brain is melting!

9. I think they found me out...

10. Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.

Reasons to stay at work all night

1. Act out your version of a company takeover.

2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".

3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.

4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.

5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art".

6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.

7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can have someone to talk to.

8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.

9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.

10. Elevator surfing!

Keeping a high profile in an office

Never write a note or memo if you can phone or visit instead; everyone wants to talk whenever you're ready.

Don't sit down to talk. The acoustics are better the higher you are, and remember that most people are a bit deaf so speak up louder!

Try to talk with _at least_ three people between you and your listener, so that they don't feel left out.

The very best place for a conversation is in the corridor, beside someone else's desk. If the corridor is full, try leaning against their cupboard or hanging over their screen.

Never warn people of your approach by knocking on their desk or cupboard. People love surprises, especially if they're busy.

The best time to disturb someone is when they look thoughtful or are concentrating. It's your _duty_ to give them a break now and again.

To make sure that _you_ get regular breaks, never use a "Do No Disturb" sign. When other people use them they're only joking.

Always hold meetings around a desk. If you book a conference room everyone will think you've got something to hide.

If the phone isn't answered after four rings, hang on. Someone will answer it eventually, and they might like a chat, too.

Never divert calls if you're leaving your desk. Your telephone could get into bad habits.

Try to whistle, hum or tap your fingers while you work. It is a comfort to others to know that you're still there.

If you have to design the office layout, remember to leave lots of wide-open spaces so that we can see and hear each other right across the floor.

Why did he fire you?

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

Japanese management lecture

Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.

"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?"

The Englishman spoke first.

"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men."

"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.

The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor my country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men."

The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management."

The terrorist turned finally to the American.

"What is your last request?"

The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"

Those who don't know

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.

Those who don't know are also in two groups.

One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!

But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!

Who is doing the work around here?

The population of the United States was 180 million at the time of writing, but there are 64 million over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the work.

People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work.

Because of the 31 million government employees, there are only 26 million left to do the work.

Six million in the armed forces leave twenty million workers.

Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees, and we are left with three million to do the work.

There are 2,500,000 people in hospitals, asylums, and treatment facilities leaving half a million workers.

However, 450,000 of these are bums or others who will not work, leaving 50,000 to do the work.

Now, it may interest you to know that there are 49,998 people in jail so that leaves just 2 people to do all the work, and that is you and me, and I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!

Everybody, somebody, anybody, and nobody

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

The requirements of this job

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

A tight travel budget

All workers please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy.

Memorandum

To: All Employees
From: Headquarters
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines
Date: June 16, 2000

Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.

Transportation

If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.

Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips.

Lodging

All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives should be exploited.

Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.

Meals

Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and "Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner.

Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of, indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially valuable to employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed one clever group.

Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.

Entertainment

Entertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.

Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.

Miscellaneous

All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

You really do stink

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

How many times can you do this to us in a single game?" he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter."

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!"

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?"

Need a change? Here's the Spice Girls Application Form . . .

Name:
Age:
Real Age:

1. How would you describe yourself?
a. An energetic self starter
b. A team player
c. Pro-active
d. A tasty bit of crumpet

2. Do you have any vestige of talent, besides your chest or butt?

3. Would it bother you if you were the target of unrelenting hatred?

4. Are you willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music
industry?
a. Yes
b. No

5.How many times have you been kicked out of karaoke bar?

6. Does nudity bother you? If so give three excuses for your
portfolio.

7. Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual
free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical
medicine and modern behaviourist psychology. ...just kidding!!

6. Seriously, do you like wearing leather mini-skirts?
a. Yes
b. No

8. Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?

9. Choose an appropriate SPICE nickname:
a. Sexy
b. Nasty
c. Sweetie
d. Eezie
e. Syphilis
f. Olde

10. Choose an appropriate SPICE image:
a. Cute, blonde, appeals to paedophiles
b. Tub of lard
c. Bloke in a tracksuit
d. Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity
e. Terrifying to small children and old men
f. All of the above

11. Do you promise to make two albums and then go away forever?
a. Yes
b. No

12. Elvis Costello is________________.

a. the king of rock and roll
b. former partner to Bud Abbott
c. Ollet Socsivle backwards
d. oh, you know, this guy

13. If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometres and
75 kilometres an hour respectively, how would you look in a bikini?

14. If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help
alleviate Prince Charles' loneliness?
a. Yes
b. No

15. List three body parts you'd be willing to pierce and expose
continuously.

16. In the space provided, tell us why you want, why you really,
really, want this job.

************************************

THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT CONSENT FORM

Name:______________________________ SOCIAL SECURITY
No:____________________
ADDRESS:___________________________
CITY:__________________________________
STAFF ELEMENT:_____________________ HOME PHONE
No.:________________________
MALE:___________ FEMALE:___________ OFFICE PHONE
No.:______________________
SEXUAL PREFERENCE: Male - Female
Female - Female
Male - Male
All of the Above
None of the Above - Please Specify:
_____________________
I CONSENT TO THE FOLLOWING FORMS OF SEXUAL HARRASSMENT:
Salutatory Greeting: _____________________
Eye-to-Eye Contact: ______________________
Eye-to-Bust Contatct: ____________________
Eye-to-Below Waist Contact: ______________
Heavy breathing on neck: _________________
ear: __________________
other: ________________
Hands on body: ___________________________
shoulder: _______________________
waist: __________________________
Gluteus Maximus: ________________
other: __________________________
Feelies: _________________________________
Gropies: _________________________________
Penetration (however slight): ____________
Other: ___________________________________
All of the Above: ________________________
MISCELLANEOUS: I WILL I WILL NOT
1. Assist in procurement of various potions, lotions, products,
appliances,etc. to be used during sexual harassment.
2. Assist in procurement and maintenance of various types of substaining
apparatus.
3. Clean up.
I CERTIFY THAT I WILL ACCEPT SEXUAL HARASSMENT FROM:
Anyone: __________________________________
Anyone But: ______________________________
Only: ____________________________________
SIGNATURE: _______________________________________ DATE:
____________________
This form is to be reviewed by immediate supervisor annually, prior to
performance rating and evaluation.

**************************************

This is so cool.
Read this sentence:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count ALOUD the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go
back and count them again. See below...

ANSWER:

There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three
of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you
can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch. Many people forget the OF's. The human brain tends
to see them as V's and not F's. Pretty weird, huh? It fools almost
everybody.

********************************

Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz?

1. Name the Beatles, first and last names.

2. Finish this line: Lions, and tigers, and bears ... (2 words)

3. Hey kids, what time is it? (4 words)

4. What do M and amp;Ms do?

5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?

6. Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew
him as ... (2 words)

7. You'll wonder where the yellow went, ... (7 words)

8. Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's
best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial)

9. M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y ... (5 words)

10. A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what?

11. Brylcream: ... (6 words)

12. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words)

13. I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who ... (6 words)

14. War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ... (2 words)

15. Where have all the flowers gone?

16. Superman, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a
great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for
truth, justice, and ... (3 words)

17. Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the
greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial
wearing women's pantyhose? Extra credit if you know his nickname!

18. I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong
to the finish ... (5 words)

19. Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators?

20. In The Graduate, Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised
about his future and told to consider one thing. What?

21. In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor,
announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, Just
think, you don't have ... to kick around any more. (2 words)
And he lied!

22. Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive. He stood
six feet six, weighed 245 pounds, kinda broad at the shoulder
and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you didn't give no
lip to ... (2 words)

23. Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)

24. Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ... (3 words)

25. Good night, Chet. ... (3 words)

26. Liar, liar, ... (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey movie!

27. When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star
today! Smile! ... (4 words)
.
.
.
.
.
Answers:

1. John Lennon, Paul McCartney (Sir), George Harrison, Ringo Starr
(Richard Starkey)
2. Oh, my!
3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
4. melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
5. Wonder bread
6. Casius Clay
7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
8. Maynard G. Crebbs
9. ... why, because we like you.
10. nothing but a smile!
11. a little dab will do ya.
12. over 30!
13. ...who wrote the book of love
14. absolutely nothing!
15. long time passing
16. the American way
17. Joe Nameth, aka Broadway Joe, aka Joe Willie.
18. ...'cause I eats me spinach.
19. Mary Martin.
20. Plastic
21. d*ck Nixon.
22. Big John
23. on blueberry hill.
24. ...wherever you are.
25. Good night, David.
26. ...pants on fire.
27. You're on Candid Camera.

****************************************

Guyness Quiz

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide
to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons,
you have to have him killed.


4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
you should repeatedly shout: I am just dislodging food trapped in this
male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!)
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:


(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
cause fractures.


5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and
cancer.


6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.


7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a
football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear
blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going.
She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you
believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.


8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you
tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?


9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her
is:

a. Do they need to eat or anything?
b. They're in school already?
c. There are three of them?


10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for
your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names,
but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.


11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.


12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.


How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
c. A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real
guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's
disease and cancer.