If Men were Pregnant
Maternity leave
would last two years ... with full pay
There would be a cure for stretch marks
Natural childbirth would become obsolete
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained
Men would be eager to talk about commitment
They wouldn't think twins were so cute
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags
Patenity suits would be a fashion line of clothes
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees
Women would rule the world
There would be a cure for stretch marks
Natural childbirth would become obsolete
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained
Men would be eager to talk about commitment
They wouldn't think twins were so cute
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags
Patenity suits would be a fashion line of clothes
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees
Women would rule the world
Women Shorts
Why is a
laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
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Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
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Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
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Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men ?
So they can stand closer to the sink
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How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
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I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
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Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
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One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
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What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
1.No mind.
2.No business.
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The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
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Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a women's sex drive by 90 percent....
Wedding cake!!!
Men Bashing
Why do doctors
slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes oneliners?
So men can remember them.
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of? Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes oneliners?
So men can remember them.
Because I'm A Guy
Because I'm a
guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If
the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one
time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, underany circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either women or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilariousto have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, underany circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either women or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilariousto have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
Just Once
A woman went to
her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The
psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear
picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your
husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, once in the last five years."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex in the past five years; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at me."
"Well, yes, once in the last five years."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well, that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex in the past five years; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at me."
Women's Advice to Men
-The reason why
our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our
underwear.
-The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
-If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.
-If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.
-Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
-Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.
-Please don't drive when you're not driving.
-Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
-Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.
-If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
-The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
-If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
-Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
-When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
-Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming.
-Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
-Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
-Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
-Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.
-The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
-If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.
-If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.
-Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
-Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day.
-Please don't drive when you're not driving.
-Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
-Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.
-If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
-The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.
-If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
-Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
-When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
-Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming.
-Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
-Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
-Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
-Your balding is a good thing--it subsidizes our hair care expenses.
