Newspaper Headlines in
the Year 2035
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.
New Republican
Definitions
alternative energy sources
n. New locations to drill for gas and oil.
bankruptcy
n. A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations
Cheney, Dick
n. The greater of two evils.
class warfare
n. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.
climate change
n. The day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.
compassionate conservatism
n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy.
DeLay, Tom
n. 1. Past tense of De Lie 2. Patronage saint.
democracy
n. So extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted.
Fox News
fict. Faux news.
free markets
n. Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.
God
n. Senior presidential adviser.
growth
n. 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.
gun control
n. The index finger, usually on the right hand. No other definitions or usage.
habeas corpus
n. Archaic. (Lat.) Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act).
healthy forest
n. No tree left behind.
honesty
n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march."
House of Representatives
n. Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million.
laziness
n. When the poor are not working.
leisure time
n. When the wealthy are not working.
liberal(s)
n. Followers of the Anti-christ.
neoconservatives
n. Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.
9/11
n. Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy. (see Terra, Terra, Terra)
No Child Left Behind
riff. 1. v. There are always jobs in the military.
ownership society
n. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.
Patriot Act
n. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.
pro-life
adj. Valuing human life until birth.
Senate
n. Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million.
simplifiy
v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors.
staying the course
interj. Slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.
voter fraud
n. A significant minority turnout.
Wal-Mart
n. The nation-state, future tense.
water
n. Arsenic storage device.
n. New locations to drill for gas and oil.
bankruptcy
n. A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations
Cheney, Dick
n. The greater of two evils.
class warfare
n. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.
climate change
n. The day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.
compassionate conservatism
n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy.
DeLay, Tom
n. 1. Past tense of De Lie 2. Patronage saint.
democracy
n. So extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted.
Fox News
fict. Faux news.
free markets
n. Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.
God
n. Senior presidential adviser.
growth
n. 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.
gun control
n. The index finger, usually on the right hand. No other definitions or usage.
habeas corpus
n. Archaic. (Lat.) Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act).
healthy forest
n. No tree left behind.
honesty
n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march."
House of Representatives
n. Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million.
laziness
n. When the poor are not working.
leisure time
n. When the wealthy are not working.
liberal(s)
n. Followers of the Anti-christ.
neoconservatives
n. Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.
9/11
n. Tragedy used to justify any administrative policy. (see Terra, Terra, Terra)
No Child Left Behind
riff. 1. v. There are always jobs in the military.
ownership society
n. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.
Patriot Act
n. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.
pro-life
adj. Valuing human life until birth.
Senate
n. Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million.
simplifiy
v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors.
staying the course
interj. Slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.
voter fraud
n. A significant minority turnout.
Wal-Mart
n. The nation-state, future tense.
water
n. Arsenic storage device.
You Might Be A
Republican If...
You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"
You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."
You answer to "The Man."
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
You're afraid of the liberal media."
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can
because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
Things
Republicans Believe
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
"Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
You Might Be A
Democrat If...
- You own something that says, "Dukakis for President, " and still display it.
- You've ever said, "We really should call the ACLU about this."
- You believe that a few hundred loggers can find another career, but the defenseless spotted owl must live in its preferred tree.
- You ever based an argument on the phrase, "But they can afford a tax hike because..."
- You keep count of how many people you know in each racial or ethnic category.
- You believe our government must do it because everyone in Europe does.
- You can't talk about foreign policy without using the word conspiracy.
- You think Ralph Nader makes a lot of sense.
- You don't understand why anyone was bothered by Jane's trip to Hanoi.
- You think solar energy is being held back by those greedy oil companies.
- You've never been mugged.
- You actually expect to collect Social Security.
- You think the State of Florida should have tried to reform Ted Bundy.
- You think the Great Society has actually worked.
- You don't see the similarity between WONK and WANK.
- You got teary-eyed during the film "The American President."
- You think Ayn Rand is an African currency.
- Your house smells like a garbage dump because of your commitment to recycling.
- You think political patronage describes the Kennedy family.
- Your High School Year Book goals included the words "help people."
- You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
- You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore.
- You believe personal injury lawyers when they say they are just trying to defend the little guy.
- You know that those profit mongering drug companies could find a cure for AIDS if they really wanted to.
- You actually believe the NY Times and Washington Post.
- You know at least one Vegan.
- You trust Teddy Kennedy when he said that she was driving.
- You'd rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.
- You think public housing is great, but just NIMBY.
- You think the anti-war protestors from '60s are the real heroes.
- You think that Supply Side Economics refers to your dope dealer's stash.
- You think Michael Jackson is a great example of diversity.
- You actually think that poverty can be abolished.
- You think that Joan Baez had something to say.
- You admire the Swedish welfare system.
- You know that Jefferson really meant to say "Entitled to Happiness."
- You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%
- You go to Gay Pride Day parades so that no one can call you homophobic.
- After looking at your pay stub you can still say, "America is undertaxed."
Democrat Jokes and One-Liners
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a lawyer?
A: Chelsea.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.
Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Q: Why did God create Democrats?
A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.
Q: What is a recent Democrat graduate's usual question in his first job?
A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?
Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.
