How to Screw up an Interview

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. 

The lowlights: 

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application." 

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time." 

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." 

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate." 

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve" 

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm." 

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions." 

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office." 

9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left." 

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him." 

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much." 

12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy od Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold." 

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview." 

14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer." 

15. "His attaché case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume." 

16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one." 

17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security." 

18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

Management Style

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. Itshould be used only for company business. (Accounting manager,Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. Noone will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I'say. (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office,
and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts(pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her
demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he lookedthe word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definitionto send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local
Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: "(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies)

Inspirational Messages Not Heard At Work

17. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up." 

16. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better
company someday.

15. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 

14. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
14 times gives you job security. 

13. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.

12. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by
killing all those who oppose them. 

11. We put the "k" in "kwality." 

10. 2 days without a human rights violation.

9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?" 

8. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to
call in sick. 

7. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 

6. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 

5. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 

4. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free. 

3. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it. 

2. Plagiarism saves time. 

1. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Double Take Signs

On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant -"Blackened bluefish."

In a Maine restaurant - "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store - "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

On a New York convalescent home - "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

Outside a country shop in West Virginia - "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store - "15 men's wool suits - $100 
-They won't last an hour!"

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago - "Do not activate with wet hands."

In a New York restaurant - "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

In the offices of a New Jersey loan company -"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In the window of an Oregon general store - "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In downtown Boston - "Callahan Tunnel - NO END."

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon - "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."

On a Tennessee highway - "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut - "No trespassing without permission."

In a New York medical building - "Mental Health Prevention Center"

SIGNS THAT MAKE YOU STOP AND WONDER

At a number of US military bases - "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

In a Florida maternity ward - "No children allowed."

In front of a New Hampshire car wash - "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

In a Los Angeles clothing store - "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Texas funeral parlor - "Ask about our layaway plan."

TO ALL EMPLOYEES - FOUL LANGUAGE AT WORK

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout
the company have been using foul language during the course of normal
conversation with their co-workers. due to complaints received from some
employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer
tolerated. we do however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. therefore,a list of "try saying" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange ofideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk ofoffending our more sensitive employees. 

try saying: perhaps i can work late.
instead of: and when the f*** do you expect me to do this? 

try saying: i'm certain that isn't feasible.
instead of: no f****** way. 

try saying: really?
instead of: you've got to be s******* me! 

try saying: perhaps you should check with...
instead of: tell someone who gives a s***. 

try saying: of course i'm concerned.
instead of: ask me if i give a s***. 

try saying: i wasn't involved in the project.
instead of: it's not my f****** problem. 

try saying: that's interesting.
instead of: what the f***? 

try saying: i'm not sure this can be implemented.
instead of: this s*** won't work. 

try saying: i'll try to schedule that.
instead of: why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? 

try saying: are you sure this is a problem?
instead of: who the hell cares? 

try saying: he's not familiar with the issues.
instead of: he's got his head up his ass. 

try saying: excuse me, sir?
instead of: eat s*** and die. 

try saying: so you weren't happy with it?
instead of: kiss my ass. 

try saying: i'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
instead of: f*** it, i'm on salary. 

try saying: i don't think you understand.
instead of: shove it up your ass. 

try saying: i love a challenge.
instead of: this job sucks. 

try saying: you want me to take care of that?
instead of: who the hell died and made you boss? 

try saying: i see.
instead of: blow me. 

try saying: yes, we really should discuss it.
instead of another f****** meeting! 

try saying: i don't think this will be a problem.
instead of: i really don't give a s***. 

try saying: he's somewhat insensitive. who does this remind you of
instead of: he's a prick. 

try saying: she's an aggressive go-getter.
instead of: she's a ball-busting bitch. 

try saying: i think you could use more training.
instead of: you don't know what the f*** you're doing.

EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 

When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was
previously there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

He set low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard was not looking.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.

A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains: one is lost; the other one is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, she would get a refund.

Of he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you will get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It is hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.

Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to
dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

WORKPLACE COMEBACK LINES

Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your
blighted and simplistic world-view.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.

You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.