Tax Advisors and Tax Auditors Jokes
The
tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter
for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the
part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up,
"Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed
as income or a long-term capital gain?"
The difference between the short and long income tax forms is
simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use
the long form, the tax advisor gets your money.
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4
(knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote
the following letter to the IRS:
"I have been unable to
sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable
income, and have enclosed a check for $150.
If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion? The jail walls.
What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax
collector?
The
taxidermist only takes the skin.
Why won't sharks attack tax inspectors? Professional
courtesy.
"How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while
your income is so low?" asked the IRS auditor.
"Well," the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer I have
caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his
mouth and said, 'I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I'll give
you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen'. I threw the fish back to the
sea, and got the villa."
"How can you prove such an unbelievable story?"
"Well, you can see the villa, can't you?"
For every tax problem there is a solution which is
straightforward, uncomplicated and wrong.
How do you know you've met a good tax accountant?
He has a loophole named after him.
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS
auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed,
"We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes,
and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank
God," returned the taxpayer. "I thought you were going to want
cash."
The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat,
and so his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took
the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and
so he coughed the coin out.
"I don't know how to thank you, doc...", his mother started.
"I'm not a doctor", the man replied, "I'm from the IRS".
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest
man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze
a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many
people had tried over time but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the
bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and
squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little
man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist
around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or
what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Psychiatrist to Internal Revenue agent on couch:
"Nonsense! No way does everyone in the world hate you -- everyone in the US perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."
A man, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors
searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have
you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart
transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
The trouble with the profession of income-tax inspectors is
that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.
A taxpayer is someone who works for the federal government but
who doesn't have to take a civil service examination.
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you
can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can
deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court
Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else
are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?"
A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing something right.
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was
jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he
said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill,
and blue after we pay them."
"That's the
same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Only the little people pay taxes.
Tony died and was sent to be judged. He was told that he had
cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven
would be to sleep with a stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and
enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in
heaven. So off he went with this woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend
Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even uglier woman than he was with. When he
approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I
cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of
money." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as
long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together
to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos,
and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when
Tony and Carlos saw their friend Jon up ahead, with an absolutely drop dead
gorgeous supermodel. Stunned, Tony and Carlos asked Jon how is he with this
unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these awful women. Jon replied
"I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been
absolutely the best time of my life. There is only one thing that I can't seem
to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to
herself, 'Damn income taxes!'"
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but
nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the
$100.
When the postal authorities received the letter
addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The
President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot
of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00,
and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some
reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
The government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on
the support of Paul.
How many tax auditors does it take to find a $1.00 mistake in
an expense report?
Three. One to find the mistake and two to discuss the significance of it.
Teacher Jokes
A mom and dad were worried
about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they
decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their
son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door
shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if
he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps
doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home
his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under
math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son,
"What changed your mind about learning math?"
The son looked at
mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the
classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind
the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."
The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son
brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful
grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during
his exams."
"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your
name on this report card."
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother,
"Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't
do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's
terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way,
what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl
replied, "My homework."
The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in
arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's
exactly what I said!"
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little
boy. So she said, "if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel,
and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you
have?"
"Somebody else's pants."
Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam:
"Bow, wow, wow!"
The teacher came up with a
good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there
were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be
left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another
two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits
and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples
and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two
rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy:
I've already got one rabbit at home now!
Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?
Milton: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.
Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's
ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much
fishing?"
"How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms".
The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a
student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping
student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"
Teacher: Johnny, you know you can't sleep in my class.
Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please
stand up" said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman
rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired
the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see
you standing up there all by yourself."
The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said,
"Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his
pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second,
thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my
lunch."
The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks,
"What do you like best about it, class? Let's start with you,
Robert."
"The artwork," says Robert.
"Very good. And you, Peter?"
"Her tits!" says Peter.
"Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall," responds the teacher with
disgust. "And you, Johnny?"
"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving..."
"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked
the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."
"And do you
know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded,
looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man
answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."
"Ah,
yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph:
The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"
Teacher: Tim, you missed school yesterday, didn't you?
Tim:
Not a bit!
Teacher: How do you spell "dog"?
Pupil:
d, o, g, enter.
"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to
his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as
I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all,
tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you pull through?"
sympathized his friends.
"I don't
know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."
A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's
flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The
teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my
answers."
What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples?
A senior high school math problem.
The Evolution of a Math Problem
1950:
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of this price. What is his profit?
1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?
1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality
of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the
elements of set M. The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is
the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set MC?
1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production
is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you
think of his way of making a living? In your group, discuss how the forest
birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.
1995 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from
$80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising
his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because
this encourages investment.
1998
(motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary
and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half).
It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays
off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is
responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for
exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company
from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?
The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student
copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it
obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to
"timber(1+x)".
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam. I
looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
The ways to grade the final exams
Dept of Statistics:
All
grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept of Psychology:
Students
are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The
professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept of History:
All
students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept of Religion:
Grade
is determined by God.
Dept of Philosophy:
What
is a grade?
Law School:
Students
are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept of Logic:
If
and only if the student is present for the final and the student has
accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student
will not receive an A.
Dept of Computer Science:
Random
number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each
student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the
corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept of Physical Education:
Schools We Don't want to Attend
The Leona Helmsley
School of Tax Preparation
The Mike Tyson Charm School
The William Kennedy Smith Dating Service
The Saddam Hussein Military Academy
The Charles Keating Chair in Business Ethics
The Don King Barber College
The Pee-wee Herman Advanced Sexuality Course
The Louis Farrakhan School of Diplomacy.
When you walk into the classroom and say good morning...
When they say good
morning back, it's Freshmen.
When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores.
When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the
newspapers, it's juniors.
When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors.
When
they write it down, it's graduate students.
Questions you Hope your Pupils won't Ask you
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of its
bottle?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid
contains real lemons?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height,
what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on
the headlights?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if
the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't
they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
How teachers do it...
Teachers do it with class.
Teachers do it 50 times after class.
Teachers do it with boys and girls.
Teachers make you do it till you get it right.
You Might Be a Schoolteacher
if...
- you
have no time for a life from August to June.
- you
want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8
to 3 and have your summers free!"
- when
out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct
their behavior.
- you
refer to adults as "boys and girls."
- you
encourage your spouse by telling them they are a "good helper."
- you've
ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing
your job.
- meeting
a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid
like this?"
- you
believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the
report card.
- you
know hundred good reasons for being late.
you don't want children of
your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your
blood pressure.
Kid: "please could I go 2 the toilet"
teacher: "say the alphabet"
Kid: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz"
teacher: "where's the p?"
kid: "running half way down my leg"
Liam hill
Technicians
Jokes
The
son of a technician asks his father: "Daddy, why the sun rises at the east
and goes down at the west?"
The technician answers immediately: "If it ain't broke, don't fix
it."
"And why it is so hot today?" the kid continues to ask.
"If it's bothering you, turn it off and then turn on again".
During the French Revolution a priest, a lawyer and a
technician were lined up at the guillotine to be beheaded. They were given the
choice to look up or to look facing down in the guillotine.
The priest said, "Well Heaven is up, so
I'll look up, so I can see where I'm going." They placed the Priest in the
guillotine facing up and released the blade. The blade stopped just inches from
the priest, so they let him go, thinking it was a miracle.
The lawyer thought, "Well if it worked for
the priest, it might work for me," so they placed him in the guillotine
looking up. They released the blade, and it stopped just inches from the
lawyer, who claimed he can't be executed twice for the same crime, so they let
him go.
The technician
thought, "Well why not?" So they put him in the guillotine looking
up, and the technician said, "Wait a minute! If you swap the red and the
blue wires over, you might make this thing work."
All objects in the world can be placed into one of two
categories:
- things that need
to be fixed,
- things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with
them.
A communication technician drafted by the army was at a firing
range. At the range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and 50 rounds. He
fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that
all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician
looked at his weapon, and then at the target. He looked at the weapon again,
and then at the target again. He then put his finger over the end of the rifle
barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was
blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here
just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing
their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are
the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is
numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are
the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in
alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on
electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth surgeon
said, "I like technicians...they always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end..."
The girl walked into the dark, dark house through the dark,
dark hall and down the dark, dark stairs to the dark, dark cellar where there
was a dark, dark passageway at the end of which was a dark, dark room. Inside
was a dark, dark cupboard and inside that was an electrician mending the fuse!
A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving in a car
when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of
the car and scratch their heads.
The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk
into town and get us a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the
parts store and get us a great deal."
The engineer stops him, saying, "No,
before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of
the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be
traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy."
The technician
laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? Hell,
we have a spare tire in the trunk - now all we have to do is start swapping
tires until we find the flat one!"
You Might
Be a Technician if...
- you
have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.
- you
think of the gadgets in your office as "friends."
- you
think your computer looks better without the cover.
- you
have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."
- you
have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
- you
think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
- the
salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
- the
microphone at a meeting doesn't work and you rush up to fix it.
- you
have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
- you
own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.
- you
just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you
got for your ninth birthday.
you
have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on
your body beep or buzz.
Tourists
Guides Jokes
A bus load of tourists arrives
at Runnymede. They gather around the guide who says, "This is
the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A fellow at the front of the crowd asks,
"When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.
The man looks at
his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"
The frightened tourist: "Are there any bats in this
cave?"
The guide: "There were, but don't worry, the snakes ate all of them."
The tourist: "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War
battles were fought on National Park Sites?"
Windsor castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight
path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourist was standing outside the
castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively
low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise. One particularly annoyed
tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"
A pair of tourists were out in the fields when they discovered
an abandoned well near an old farm house. Of course they're curious so they
drop a small stone into the well, but they never hear it hit bottom. They
search and find a larger rock and drop it into the well but once again hear
nothing. They decide they need something larger and search the farm yard for a
larger object. After much struggle, they manage to drag a large railroad tie to
the edge of the well and drop it over the edge.
After several seconds, a goat tears across the
yard and without any hesitation, dives head first into the open hole. The two
tourists stand in amazement. About then a farmer appears and tells them he is
looking for a lost goat. The tourists tell the farmer about the goat diving
into the well.
"That couldn't
be my goat", the farmer replies, "My goat was grazing in the field
roped to a railroad tie!"
"Were you in Paris on your vacation?"
"I don't know, my wife got the tickets."
Two anthropologists fly to the south sea islands to study the
natives. They go to two adjacent islands and set to work. A few months later
one of them takes a canoe over to the other island to see how his colleague is
doing. When he gets there, he finds the other anthropologist standing among a
group of natives.
"Greetings! How is it going?" says
the visiting anthropologist.
"Wonderful!" says the other, "I
have discovered an important fact about the local language! Watch!"
He points at a palm tree and says, "what
is that?"
The natives, in unison, say "Umbalo-gong!"
He then points at a rock and says, "and that?"
The natives again intone "Umbalo-gong!"
"You
see!", says the beaming anthropologist, "They use the SAME word for
'rock' and for 'palm tree'!"
"That is truly amazing!" says the astonished visiting anthropologist,
"On the other island, the same word means 'index finger'!"
In Alaska's National Forests, a tourists guide was giving a
talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear territory: "Most
bear encounters occur when hikers, being extra quiet along the trails in hopes
of viewing wildlife, accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting surprise
can be catastrophic." To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear
tiny bells on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence.
"Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you see
signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear droppings."
One tourist asked, "How do you identify
bear droppings?"
"Oh that's
easy," the guide explained, "its the ones with all the tiny bells in
them!"
A tourists guide was talking with a group of school kids at Yellowstone park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever
came face-to-face with a wolf.
"Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I
was alone and without a weapon."
"What did you do?" the little girl asked.
"What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he
slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I
had to think fast."
"How did you get away?"
"As a last resort, I just turned around and walked quickly to the next
cage."
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest
jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The
tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this,
the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still
finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 2503 years old",
replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires
as to how he gave this precise figure.
"Easy",
replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 2500 years old,
and that was three years ago."
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the
town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at
the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you
please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...
very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr,
Kiiiiing."
A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the
window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and
hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a
baseball bat and throws him in the river.
Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and
pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and
throws him in the river.
Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first
man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?"
The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."
A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an
alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the
flashlight."
"Look, guide, here are some LION tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."
