Marriage
(Part I)
Typical
macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he
laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if
I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I
expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't
be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and
card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard
time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His
new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
not."
Marriage
(Part II)
Husband
and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!
The
husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?"
she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
Marriage
(Part III)
Husband
(a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.
After
sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her
up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She
says, "I was in bed."
"In
bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting
a second opinion!"
Marriage
(Part IV)
A man
has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections.
One
night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He
shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of
six?"
His
wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
System
Problems
A
colleague of mine has been experiencing significant system problems. Last year
he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years
without trouble. However, apparently there are conflicts between these two
systems, the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend with the sound turned
off.
But
to make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as; Guys' Night Out 3.1, Golf 2 and Playboy 6.0.
Successive
versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 has many bugs and left
a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually he tried installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to
discover when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage
to all his hardware.
Sensing
a way out, he upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this
system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up
all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse
2000. But imagine my friends disappointment though on discovering Wife 1.0 can
be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically
stored in Wife 1.0's Hardrive and can not be deleted - they then re-surface
months later.
Wife
1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter. Wife 1.0
also automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WINGEzip and no option on the Help menu
seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself. The system
footprint needs updating regularly requiring Shoeshop browser Pro for new
attachments.
Hairstyle
express needs to be reinstalled every week It also refused some of the new
Games and attachments he wanted to try stating they are an illegal operation.
When
Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system
dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which
can't be turned off. Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000 add-on,
but there could be problems. If wife 1.0 detects the presence of mistress 2000,
it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.
Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear
TROUBLED USER,
This
is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the
idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.
Wife
1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything. It
is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to
Girlfriend 7.0.
Hidden
operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife
1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the
program files from the system once installed.
You
cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
problems than the original system. Look in your manual under
"Warnings- Alimony/Child support".
I
recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. I suggest installing
background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation.
Having
installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section
regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility
for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.
The
best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case
avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the
APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.
The
system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife
1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional
software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.
I
recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K.
Do
not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is
not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.
Best of Luck, Tech Support
My
Wife
I've been in
love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill
me!
My wife and
I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice
restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone
stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less
than my wife did.
I take my
wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my
wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said,
"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the
kitchen?"
We always
hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife will
buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
All my wife
does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
She has an
electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said
"There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I
do? Bought her an electric chair.
My wife
loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
My wife and
I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I"
stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife
drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked,
"Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone
is all coming back!"
My wife told
me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked
where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
My wife and
I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
My wife is
on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb
a tree!
She was at
the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a
mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran
after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
I bought my
wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Three weeks
ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
I came home,
the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" My
wife said, "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
While
driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 2000 pounds of ugly fat... I left my
wife at a rest stop...
Divorce
Settlement
A
married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour.
The
wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks
in a clear voice.
"Darling,"
he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a
divorce."
The
wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her
speed to 45 mph.
The
husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it",
he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
she's a far better lover than you are."
Again
the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly
increases the speed to 55.
He
pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to
60mph.
"I
want the car, too," he continues...65 mph
"And,"
he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cars and the
boat."
The
car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a
wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The
wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got
everything I need." she says.
"Oh,
really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just
before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The
airbag!"
Did you hear about the blonde that....
1.Took
her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight
2.Couldn't
learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a
slope.
slope.
3.Can't
work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the
typewriter.
typewriter.
4.Got
excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months
and the box said "2 to 4 years"
and the box said "2 to 4 years"
5.Was
trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6.Couldn't
call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
7.When
asked what the capital of California was; answered "C"
8.Burnt
her nose bobbing for French fries.
9.Baked
a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said
1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
10.Can't
make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets
won't fit into those little packets
11.Hates
M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
12.Got
hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
13.Changes
the baby's diaper only once a month because
the label said "good up to 20 pounds"
the label said "good up to 20 pounds"
14.After
losing in a breast stroke swimming competition,
complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
15.What
goes vroom-screech-vroom-screech', etc?
A blonde at a flashing red light.
A blonde at a flashing red light.
16.Two
blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when
one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down."
one says, "Hurry, it's starting to rain and the top is down."
Doctor, Doctor!
Doctor!
Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!
Now, now, now, settle down.....You'll just have to be a little patient.
Now, now, now, settle down.....You'll just have to be a little patient.
Doctor,
Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil until I get there
Use a pencil until I get there
Doctor,
Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
Doctor,
Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor,
Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor,
Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.
Doctor,
Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please
One at a time please
Doctor,
Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises!
I never make rash promises!
Doctor,
Doctor I keep thinking I’m invisible
Who said that?
Who said that?
Doctor
Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!
Take one of these every 4 laps!
Doctor,
Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a puppy!
Doctor,
Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and
here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!
You have a broken finger!
Doctor
Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!
Doctor,
Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well pull yourself together then
Well pull yourself together then
Doctor,
Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake
Sleep in another room then!
Sleep in another room then!
Doctor,
doctor my baby's swallowed a bullet
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!
Doctor,
Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there!
Yes I can see you're not all there!
Doctor,
Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire.
Necks please!
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire.
Necks please!
Doctor,
Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift!
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor!
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor!
Doctor,
Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!
Next please!
Doctor,
Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
Doctor,
Doctor I'm a burglar!
Have you taken anything for it?
Have you taken anything for it?
Doctor,
Doctor I've lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?
When did this happen?
When did what happen?
Doctor,
Doctor I feel like a dog!
Sit!
Sit!
Doctor,
Doctor I feel like a needle.
I see your point!
I see your point!
Doctor,
Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Doctor,
Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
