ONE MORE ALL ROUND JOKES

On arriving home, Norm was met at the door by his sobbing wife, Cheri' who tearfully explained, "It was the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Norm immediately drove in to town to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before Norm could say no more than a few words, the druggist hollered, "Now, just a minute, you hold on! Please just listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I got up late. I had no breakfast and hurried half dressed, out to the car, only to realize that I had just locked the house with both house and car keys inside.

I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. and then three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up, and I started waiting on them, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook."

The druggist continued, "Then breaking a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, I spilled them all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the damn phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles all of them fell to the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the damn phone is has not stopped ringing for a second and when I finally got to answer it. It was your wife, Cheri' wanting to know how to use a digital rectal thermometer... and honest Norm, all I did was really tell her!"

---

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"

The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

What's that?" he asks.

She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

---

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof the wish was granted, leaving the other of the two to yell angrily, "Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

---

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?" The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."

---

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.
Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "

---

A person walks up to a man on the street and begins to ask him questions...
How many eyes does a rooster have?
"Two..."
"You're sure?"
"Yes..."
How many wings does a rooster have?
"Two..."
Your sure?
"Yes..."
How many ribs does a cat have?
"Not quite sure..."
Your sure?
"Yeah, sorry, no idea!"
Well how come you know so much more about cock than pussy?!

---

SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

---

He who runs behind a car is exhausted.

---

He who stands on the toilet is high on pot.

---

Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you!"

---

Old McDonald sittin' on a bench,
poking his balls with a monkey wrench.
The wrench got small, it broke his balls,
and he pissed all over his overalls.

---

There are a lot of people who can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here's the answer: It's simple... nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we
were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma and Alaska, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

---

Women's T-shirts
1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
2. All stressed out and no one to choke.
3. And your point is...
4. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
5. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
6. You KNOW you want me.
7. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
9. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
10. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
12. I hate everybody, and you're next.
13. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
14. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
15. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear

---

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in flight, though somewhat erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the man. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures." The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

---

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know." The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?" The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?". The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

---

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

---

Driving home from visiting Grandma one Sunday, Dad tuned the radio to a country and western station. "How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts." Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, Dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?" "That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"

---

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to pee....

---

Q. How did they know ET was a Rangers fan?
A. He looked like one.

---

Little Johnny was in science class. the professor was conducting an experiment to show the dangers of liquor. he had one glass of water and one glass of wine. so the professor starts the experiment and he sticks one worm in the water.. and its floating and looks happy. he sticks the other worm in the wine and it looks like it is struggling to breathe and then it sinks to the bottom and it is dead. so the professor asks" what was this suppose to teach you children" no one raises their hand to answer but the little Johnny raises his hand and says "drink liquor and you wont get worms"

---

A missionary suddenly realized that the one thing he hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands. "My bike," the chief replied.

---

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was
able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"

---

The Short History of Medicine

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work any more. Here, eat this root.

---

Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.

---

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

---

Have you read the book...
1. Run to the Outhouse by Willie Makeit, Betty Wont, Andy Didnt
2. Flood in the Bathroom by Won Lang Pee
3. Yellow River by I.P. Freely
4. Jump off a Cliff by Hugo First
5. Sliding down the banister by R. Arse Tornaway
6. Beautiful Behinds by Seamore Butts
7. Butt Fitness by Hugh Jass
8. Love Secrets by Amanda Hugnkiss

---

A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."

---

City Boy: Say, Dad, how many types of milk are there?

Father: Well, there's evaporated milk, buttermilk, malted milk, and -- but why do you ask?

City Boy: Oh, I'm drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many "spigots" to put on her.

---

Hearts and roses and kisses galore... What the hell is all of that shit for? People get mushy and start acting queer. It is definitely the most annoying day of the year. This day needs to get the hell over with and pass. Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass. I'll spend the day so drunk that I just can't speak. And wear only black for the rest of the week. Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade. For all they are doing is trying to get laid. The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit. Because I think love is a big crock of shit. So here is my story...what else can I say? Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!

---

When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Top ten things that sound dirty, but in the office aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. Hmm, I think it's out of fluid.

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid

1. Light's on but nobody is home. 

2. A brick shy of a full load. 

3. Doesn't have all of their dogs barking. 

4. Not the brightest crayon in the box. 

5. Not the sharpest knife in the draw. 

6. A few clowns short of a circus. 

7. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 

8. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 

9. A few beers short of a six-pack. 

10. Dumber than a box of hair. 

11. A few peas short of a casserole. 

12. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. 

13. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 

14. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. 

15. One taco short of a combination plate. 

16. A few feathers short of a whole duck. 

17. All foam, no beer. 

18. The cheese slid off his cracker. 

19. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 

20. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 

21. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 

22. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 

23. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 

24. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 

25. As smart as bait. 

26. Chimney's clogged. 

27. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. 

28. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. 

29. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 

30. Forgot to pay his brain bill. 

31. Her sewing machine's out of thread. 

32. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. 

33. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 

34. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. 

35. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. 

36. No grain in the silo. 

37. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 

38. Receiver is off the hook. 

39. Several nuts short of a full pouch. 

40. Skylight leaks a little. 

41. Slinky's kinked. 

42. Surfing in Nebraska. 

43. Too much yardage between the goal posts. 

44. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most. 

45. As bright as a 1/2 watt bulb. 

46. As swift as roadkill rabbit. 

47. As sharp as a butter knife. 

48. As swift as a sailboat on a calm day. 

49. As bright as a bag of hammers.

Most common lies

1. I won't laugh. I promise.

2. Your table will be ready in a few minutes.

3. I never got your text.

4. I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions.

5. You will need to know this later in life.

6. No, I'm OK. I'm just tired.

7. OK, just one more episode.

8. I'm on my way.

9. Sorry, my parents said no.

10. I'm just kidding.

The Ten Ifs of Employment

1. If it rings, put it on hold.

2. If it clunks, call the repairman.

3. If it whistles, ignore it.

4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.

5. If it's the boss, look busy.

6. If it talks, take notes.

7. If it's handwritten, type it.

8. If it's typed, copy it.

9. If it's copied, file it.

10. If it's Friday, forget it!

10 Things Never to Say to a Taller Woman

10. "You must be a model!" (This line shows that you're not trying very hard, even if you clarify up front that you're only asking because she's really rilly pretty.)

9. "You can't be 5'10". I'm 5'10"!" (It's one thing to lie about your height while you're sitting down or on an Internet profile. When you say this to someone who has to lean down to hear it, you're busted.)


8. "Is it hard for you to meet people taller than you?" (If she has to explain the bell curve to you, you might not be an intellectual match.)

7. "Now there's a tree I'd like to climb." (Yummeh.)

6. "How do you kiss?" (Or the skin-crawling subset: "Wow, I feel like I'm the girl!" You do realize that kissing doesn't require her to use her legs, right?)

5. "I could eat my way to the top." (Stop. Just stop.)

4. "How tall are you, anyway?" (Think about it: Whatever she answers won't make much difference, except that you'll look sorta insecure for having asked. Use some deductive reasoning and you should be able to guess within an inch or two.)

3. "How do you wear heels?" (Like everyone else: one foot at a time. She looks even better when she does it, shortstack.)

2. "It won't matter much when we're lying down." (Only a fool would invite commentary on the inches that do make a difference during horizontal integration.)

1. "Do you play basketball?" (People don't ask "Do you play professional baseball?" just because you're paunchy and chew tobacco. Pay it forward by giving tall women the same courtesy.)

Bad Date Signs

1. Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother....

2. You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her....

3. She has a thicker mustache than you....

4. When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions....

5. Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system....

6. At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic....

7. She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut....

8. At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill....

9. She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you....

10. She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you....

Tests Before Having Children

FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN:

Test 1

Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

Test 3

To discover how the nights will feels:

1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.

4.Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6. Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

3. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.

Test 5

Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

2. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6

Get ready to go out

1. Wait

2. Go out the front door

3. Come back in again

4. Go out

5. Come back in again

6. Go out again

7. Walk down the front path

8. Walk back up it

9. Walk down it again

10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.

11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

12. Retrace your steps

13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.

14. Give up and go back into the house.

15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8

Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9

1. Hollow out a melon

2. Make a small hole in the side

3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side

4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.

5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.

6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.

4. Cover the stains with crayon.

5. How does that look?

Test 12

Make a recording of someone shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: no more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there's a child in the room.

Test 14

Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now:

1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it

2. Stir

3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt

4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

6. Do not change, you have no time.

7. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have kids. ENJOY!!!

TIPS WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE BORED (PART 2)

-Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car

-Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet
-Count the bags under Walter Mondale's eyes
-Unscrew all the light bulbs and rearrange the furniture
-Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending
-Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. "Drink milk")
-Dress like Motley Crue...surprise your grandmother
-Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong
-Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail
-Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire
-Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before
-Walk on water...but don't get caught
-Confess to a crime...that didn't happen
-Be in the wrong place at the right time
-Plot the overthrow of your local School Board
-Request covert assistance from the CIA
-Discover the source of the Mississippi
-Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska
-Hot wax the bottom of your brother's dress shoes
-Preach the philosophy of Marx...Groucho, that is
-Drink as much prune juice as you can
-Write a book about your previous life
-Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres
-Jump up and down...on your alarm clock
-Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins
-Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniel's
-Carve you and your girlfriend's initials...in a marshmallow
-Drive the speed limit...in your garage
-Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final
-Wear a three-piece suit...in a sauna
-Pay off the national debt...with a bad check
-Go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people
-Give yourself a hernia...for Christmas
-Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes
-Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster
-See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement
-Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English
-Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good job they're doing...On April 1st
-Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor
-Take apart all your major kitchen appliances...mix and match them
-Turn your TV picture tube upside down
-Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy
-Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets
-Carry a tune...drop it, see if it breaks
-Be planar...but don't tell your parents
-Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck
-Make a deal with the devil...but keep your fingers crossed
-Put instant concrete in your big brother's waterbed
-Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese
-Debate politics with a fern
-If you lose, stop watering it and try again.
-Increase your territorial holdings by force
-Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat

-Boldly go where no man has gone before
-Be a threat to the American way of life
-Do research into the cause of World War III
-Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life
-Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Pittsburgh
-See how small you can scrunch your face
-Sell firewood door to door...in Atlantis
-Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization)
-Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation
-Raise professional certified racing turnips
-Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation
-Lead an aerobics class...for patients of the I.C.U.
-Go to a drive-in movie in a tank
-Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway
-Send President Reagan an alarm clock...wind it up first
-Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch
-Send your goldfish to obedience school
-Free the oppressed toasters of America
-Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing
-Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave
-Park your car...with a friend
-Park your car...with a group of friends
-Frame your first statement of bankruptcy
-Place it on the wall of your office
-Solve the population problem (x^2 + y^2 = population...solve for x)
-Contribute to the population problem
-Wear a T-shirt that says "I'll walk on you to see The Who" and a peace sign
-Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor
-Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife
-Get Ronco and K-tel to merge...they sell the same stuff anyway
-Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night
-Play with anything that looks interesting
-Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first
-See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water
-Try to ignite water...the Mississippi might work
-Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up
-State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes")
-Visit the Architecture building...loudly criticize its design
-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
-Wallpaper your laundry room...with pages from books you don't like
-See if diamonds really do cut glass...on everything in your neighbor's house
-Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while
-See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green
-Bronze your sister's turtle
-See how long it takes for her to notice
-See what she does when she notices
-Bronze your sister