Strange But True

 

Cuba's humming bird is 5.7cm long, weighs 14.2 g, lays eggs which are 0.6cm long and will fight birds 4 to 5 times bigger than itself.
***
The nose of a dog is so sensitive that it can tell the difference between a tub of water and a tub of water with a teaspoon of salt in it.
***
23 percent of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them to photocopy their butts or genitals.
***
Whale eyes are the size of a grapefruit.
***
Robots can carry out surgery while the surgeon watches a video and directs the robot from a computer.
***
Ants stretch when they wake up. They also appear to yawn in a very human manner before taking up the tasks of the day.
***
Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were seventh cousins.
***
1961 was the most recent year that could be written upside-down and right side-up and appear the same.
***
Sponge Candy was invented in Buffalo, NY.
***
Revolvers cannot be silenced because of all the noisy gasses which escape the cylinder gap at the rear of the barrel.
***

Napolean conducted his battle plans in a sandbox.
***
Armadillos can be house broken.
***
Sharks are immune to cancer.
***
Horses lift their heads up high to look at something far into the distance. To see things that are closer, they lower their heads.
***
They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
***
The world's tallest roller coaster is located in England and reaches a peak height of 72 meters
***
One in five of the world's 2.5 million medical doctors are Russian.
***
Man releases over a billion tons of pollutants into the Earth's atmosphere every year.
***
The YKK on the zipper of your Levis stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world's largest zipper manufacturer.
***
One of the ingredients in ice cream is seaweed.

Quotes

 

Life leads us to many roads, all of which we can take (Thomas Michlich)
***
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most do
***
Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are (Marianne Williamson)
***
The grass may look greener on the other side but it still needs to be mowed (Unknown)
***
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated (William James)
***
Someday is not a day of the week (Anonymous)
***
The greatest good you can do for others is not just show your riches but to reveal to them their own (Benjamin Disraeli)
***
The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated (William James)
***
I would much rather live with disappointment than regret (Andre Agassi)
***
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up (Thomas Edison)
***

If your actions create a legacy that inspires others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, then you are an excellent leader (Dolly Parton)
***
Over every mountain there is a path, although it may not be seen from the valley (James Rogers)
***
Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom (General George Patton)
***
Strong lives are motivated by dynamic purposes (Kenneth Hildebrand)
***
Play hard, do your best, give it all you have. You will always be the winner (Mark Sth Carolina)
***
Marriage is like a cage
***
Luck sometimes visits a fool, but it never sits down with him (German Proverb)
***
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear (Mark Twain)
***
This is not a dress rehearsal. This is it! (Tom Cunningham)
***
Life leads us to many roads, all of which we can take (Thomas Michlich)

Wacky Words

 

fulminate, To 'thunder', to denounce scathingly.
***
doff, to take off or lift up, to rid oneself of.
***
gravitas, High seriousness, sobriety.
***
philology - the study of literature and related subjects, including the use of language in literature or the historical development in languages
***
sang-froid, coolness and composure, especially in trying circumstances.
***
nemophilist, one who is fond of forest or forest scenery or a haunter of the woods.
***
gravamen - the material or significant part of a grievance or complaint
***
osmic - Of or relating to odors or the sense of smell
***
baedeker, a guidebook to countries or a country.
***
gesundheit - used to wish good health especially to one who sneezed
***
apprise, to give notice to, to inform.
***
zephyr, The west wind, A mild breeze.
***
persiflage, Light banter, frivolous discussion.
***
sough, To make a soft murmuring or rustling sound.
***
vernal, Fresh, youthful.
***
dissimulate, to feign, to pretend.
***
cryptography - the coding and decoding of secret messages
***
malinger - to pretend incapacity - as illness, so as to avoid duty or work
***
acrimony, bitter, harsh, or biting sharpness.
***
staid, sober, grave, steady, sedate, composed.

Interesting Concepts

 

-If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?
-Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
-What do chickens think we taste like?
-What do people in China call their good plates?
-What do you call a male ladybug?
-What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
-When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
-Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
-Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
-Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
-Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
-Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
-How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
-If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
-Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
-You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes, Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
-If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
-If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

interesting letters

Playgirl Rejection Letter



May 3^rd 2013


PLAYGIRL, INC.


Dear Mrs. Smith,

We wish to thank you for your letter and the polaroid picture
of your husband. We agree that his appearance in our March issue as
the Playgirl's Man of the Month centerfold would have been a truly
fitting way for you to honor your 75th anniversary of wedded bliss,
and as a life-time memento on his birthday.

We submitted the picture to our various panels of judges, as
it is our routine procedure, with the following results:

When rated by our panel of average American women (ages 25 to
40) on a scale from 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), his body was rated
a -2.

To further justify our ratings, we submitted your photograph
to another panel of women in the age bracket of 45 to 100. We couldn't
get them to stop laughing long enough to take the time to rate him.

The old American women panel, aged 70 to 100, widowed for over
twenty years, said We'll retain our widowed status!

The Organization of Nude Portrait Painters (thinking perhaps
they could touch up the picture), said We can't perform miracles!

We therefore regret that we will not be able to satisfy your
request for John on his 75th wedding anniversary. We do, however,
invite you to submit other pictures for Playgirl's centerfold. Please
be advised that the minimum requirement is that the staple used to
hold the centerfold in place in the magazine cannot completely
obliterate what we refer to as the item of interest as it would in
John's case.

Yours truly,

Jane Brown
Playgirl, Inc.

THANK YOU

Thank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year!
It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!

Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out
from you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting the
arse out of 40-gallon drum.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected
with a disease.

I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped using
deodorant because you said it causes cancer.

I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have
to walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask
me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with
calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are
nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that
are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell their
wares.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I would
get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody or talk to anybody
- you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a
nap in a bathtub full of ice.

However, the police are also after me at present because you said not
to pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of
the USD15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I
participated in their special e-mail program.

It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and
neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am
positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to
follow and I got a curse.


What to Do With All Those Free Soaps When Travelling This is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned. Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman
-------------------------------------------------------
 Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid
 --------------------------------------------------------
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
 ------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman
------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder Assistant Manager
--------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one d*mn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman
 ------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen Housekeeper
-------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess: - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman

Insanity Helpers

Many things to get you through the day.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for marijuana".

Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Sing along at the opera.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling "Run for your lives! They're loose!"

Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go." 

Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, and ask where the fitting room is.

Next time you're at a restaurant, order a diet water. 

When someone asks you to do something, ask if they want that super-sized.

Run one lap around the office at top speed.

Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say, "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".

Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

Walk sideways to the photocopier.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on and off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While a co-worker is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, PLEASE! All of you just shut up!".

At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".

In a co-worker's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".

Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet paper from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and donut, smash each donut with your fist.

During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee, move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

Play a tape of jungle sounds at work all day.

Send this website to everyone in your address book, even if they have sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom (don't disguise your voice).

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think".

Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

Don't use any punctuation.

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite sex).

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess".

Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard".

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!"

Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."

Every time you see a broom yell, "Honey, your mother is here!"

Never

A list of things you should never do.

 

Never compliment a man's watch when standing at the urinal.

Never eat at a place called Mom's.

Never play cards with a man named Doc.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

Never share a foxhole with someone who is braver than you are.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired.

Never argue with a woman when she's rested.

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight!

Never decide to buy anything while listening to the salesman.Never argue with a fool. People may not be able to tell the difference.

Never use a preposition to end a sentence with.

Never argue with a man who buys ink by the gallon.

Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.

Never say "Oops" in an operating room.

Never try to out-stubborn a cat.

Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.

Never eat prunes when you're hungry.

Never say, "Sorry, we don't have what you're looking for." Always say, "I just sold the last one the other day."

Never use one word when twelve will suffice.

Never hold a rap contest at a square dance.

Never buy a recording of a heavy metal barbershop quartet. 

Never listen to Chubby Checker's "Let's do the Twist", when you're stuck in quicksand.

Never be the first to do anything.

Never let go of what you have unless you have hold of something else.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off until the day after tomorrow.

Paraprosdokians

A figure of speech in which the latter part is unexpected

 

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify: 'I put 'DOCTOR.'

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Play the Office Game

Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree
to play the Office Game which awards points as follows: 

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your
mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just
called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and
grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. 

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I
don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
 
FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude
with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch
into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing
irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the
report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter,
"Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear
that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
 
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about
it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very
important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

Actual Business Signs In USA

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a classified ad: "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it." 

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" 

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal
Church." 

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." 

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you
can come here?" 

In a classified ad: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of
aunts."

You know you are a teacher if...

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.

When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

You have no life between August to June.

When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."

You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."

Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

ARE YOU AN ENGINEER?

If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.

If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal
point in the right place.

If you look forward to the holidays only to put together the kids' toys.

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging
coats and taping ducts.

If you window shop at Radio Shack

If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi
movie looking for technical inaccuracies.

If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and
your camera's flash attachment.

If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.

If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.

If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

If you own 'Official Star Trek' anything.

If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.

If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear
reactor.

If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

If you truly believe aliens are living among us.

If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.

If you have more toys than your kids.

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work, and you rush up to
the front to fix it.

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.

If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel, and have seen most of the shows already

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.

If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.

If you did the sound system for your senior prom.

If your checkbook always balances.

If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone.

If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

If you thought the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers.

If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get
enough sleep.

If you spend more on your home computer than your car.

If you know what http:/ stands for.

If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain
atmospheric absorption theory.

If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or
Chinese, pizza, beer, etc).

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.