MORE MUSIC TODAY 

 

English horn jokes

Q: What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?
A: One is far more painful to your ears.

Q: What's the name of a good English horn player?
A: I'll tell you when I meet one.

Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.

Q: Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn?
A: Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.

Flute jokes

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing a unison.

Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute?
A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.

French horn jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
A: A goal post that can't march.

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Q: What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A: A goalpost that can't march.

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
A: Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Q: How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
A: Have them miss every other note.

Q: What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.

Q: How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I played that last year."

Guitar jokes

Q: How do you make him stop playing?
A: Put notes on it!

Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A: Pick on someone your own size!

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".

Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

Harmonica jokes

Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.

Harp jokes

A harp is a nude piano.

A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.

Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Harpsichord jokes

The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord is like "two skeletons making love on a tin roof".

Oboe jokes

Q: How do you get five oboes in tune?
A: Shoot four of them.

Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.

Q: Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?
A: Because most oboes are full of holes.

Q: How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
A: Steal his batteries.

Organ jokes

Q: Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse?
A: They are always longing for another stop.

Q: Why are a organist's fingers like lightning?
A: Because they rarely strike the same place twice.

Q: What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.

Q: What do you get if you drop an organ on an army base?
A: A flat major.

Q: Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
A: It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff.

Q: Why was the organ invented?
A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

Q: What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
A: He puts his Leslie on "slow".

The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.

Piano jokes

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.

Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.

Q: What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
A: Be flat, major.

Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
A: See flat major.

Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
A: C sharp or B flat.

Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A: A sharp major.

Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
A: A natural major.

Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?
A: Root position cords.

Piccolo jokes

Q: How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.

Q: Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
A: The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

Saxophone jokes

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: It's all in the grip.

Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't return the sax when you borrow it.

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: Vibrato.

Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.

Q: How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

Trombone jokes

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.

Q: What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A: A trombone will bend before it breaks.

Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
A: The frog's probably on its way to a gig.

Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that the sheep story also works.

Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.

Trumpet jokes

Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.

Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.

Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
A: King Kong is more sensitive.

Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.

Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A: "Hi. I'm better than you."

Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door?
A: The doorbell shrieks!

Tuba jokes

Q: What is the range of a tuba?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.

Q: What's a tuba for?
A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.

Q: There are two tubaplayers sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman

Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?
Friend: I hope so.

Q: How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to hold the bulb and two to drink until the room spins.

Q: How do you fix a broken tuba?
A: With a "tuba glue."

FUNNY BLONDES WE LOVE THEM

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Are You Really Sure?

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Rowing Your Boat

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

Blonde Sky Divers

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

Blinkers

One day a Blonde was going down the road in her car when she sees a car accident. She comes to a stop 2 miles down the road because she hit the gas instead of the breaks.
The Blonde then proceeds to pull out 2 naked cardboard men that she put long coats on. She then sets them up along side the road.
After an hour passes and traffic backs up 12 miles, a cop comes by. The cop pulls over onto the side of the road. He steps out and asks the woman what those cardboard things are for. She says, "Oh nothing sir, these are just my emergency flashers."

Don't lie to mirrors

There once was a magic mirror which would kill your if you lied to it. One day a brunette was doing her makeup and said to herself "I think I'm the smartest woman ever!" She immediately dropped dead. The next day a redhead was doing her hair and said to herself "I think I'm the prettiest woman alive!" She immediately dropped dead. Finally, the following day, a blond was flossing her teeth. She stopped and said to herself "I think," and dropped dead.

Helping a blond lose weight

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Fallen bridge

A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.

The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.

She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.

He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."

She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"

Want me to paint for you?

A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.

"I'm here for the paint job," she said.

"Alright," said the man. "Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house."

The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.

After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, "I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn't a porsche out back. It's a new BMW.

Why are you yelling that?

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Three blonds on death row

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

How do I get across that river?

A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her.

"How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.

The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"

********************************************

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?
A: Because the can said "concentrate" on it.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: Have you heard what my blond neighbor wrote on the bottom of her swimming pool?
A: No smoking.

Q: What does a blond do when someone says its chili outside?
A: She grabs a bowl.

Funny Football Quotes

Dick Butkus: "I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important —like a league game or something."

Jack Tatum: "I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault."

Jim Finks, when asked after a loss what he thought of the officiating: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy referees."

Dave Barry: "I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player's body."

Unknown: "One of the great disappointments of a football game is that the cheerleaders never seem to get injured."

Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Terrell Owens, of the San Francisco 49ers, was asked for one word to describe himself. He said "confident." When asked for another word he said "very."

Tim Green: "Let's face it, you have to have a slightly recessive gene that has a little something to do with the brain to go out on the football field and beat your head against other human beings on a daily basis."

Frank Gifford: "Pro Football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors."

Big Daddy Lipscomb: "I just wrap my arms around the whole backfield and peel 'em one by one until I get to the ball carrier. Him I keep."

Heywood Hale Broun: "Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it."

George Will: "Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings."

Steve Henderson: "I'd catch a punt naked, in the snow, in Buffalo, for a chance to play in the NFL."

Arnold Mandell: "Football is not a game but a religion, a metaphysical island of fundamental truth in a highly verbalized, disguised society, a throwback of 30,000 generations of anthropological time."

Phyllis Diller: "The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public."

George Rogers: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

Doug Plank: "Most football teams are temperamental. That's 90% temper and 10% mental."

Deion Sanders, commenting on the troubled Randy Moss: "He's like a beautiful woman who can't cook, doesn't want to clean and doesn't want to take care of the kids. You really don't want her, but she's so beautiful that you can't let her go."

Jay Leno, commenting on the NCAA plans, to reach college athletes, by launching an anti-gambling campaign on the Cartoon Network: "You know what's sad about this? Not the gambling, but the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network."

Tony Kornheiser: "Men are clinging to football on a level we aren't even aware of. For centuries, we ruled everything, and now, in the last ten minutes, there are all these incursions by women. It's our Alamo."

Jeff Gordon, St. Louis Post-Dispatch writer, commenting on the poor attendance at Arizona Cardinal games: "If Marc Bulger throws an interception in Sun Devil Stadium and nobody is there to see it, is it still an interception?"

Lou Groza, NFL Hall of Fame kicker: "Old place-kickers never die, they just go on missing the point."

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle, on how football players will have different attitudes in the future.: "Twenty years from now, today's football players will be saying, 'Back in my day, we didn't do all the outlandish stuff these kids are doing. We kept it dignified, with Sharpies and cell phones."

Deacon Jones: "I'm the best defensive end around. I'd hate to have to play against me."

Sam Wyche, who had his vocal cords accidentally cut during a biopsy and now has trouble yelling across the field during practices, relating what some old players of his had to say: "Why didn't his happen 20 years ago? I wouldn't have had to run as many laps."

Julie Brown, prior to the 1993 Super Bowl between the Dallas Cowboys and the Buffalo Bills, asked Emmitt Smith: "What are you going to wear in the game Sunday?"

Will Allen, then at Syracuse University, upon being introduced to Hall of Famer Lynn Swann and being told that Swann was one of the greatest wide receivers in NFL history said: "And what team did you play for?"

Paul Tagliabue, NFL Commissioner: "I'm a firm believer that all sports will eventually be global. Someday, we may have a quarterback from China named Yao Fling."

John Lynch, Tampa Bay Buccaneers safety, commenting on the Budweiser beer commercials featuring the me-first football player Leon: "Great commercials during the game. Especially like the Budweiser one with Keyshawn...I mean Leon."

Deion Sanders, on why he doesn't like the two-week break between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl: "Having two weeks off gives family, friends and the media more time to get on your nerves."

Marvin Lewis, suggesting that coaches should be able to add monikers on players uniforms, like "He Hate Me" during training camp, he suggested the following examples: "He Doesn't Listen,"; "He Jumps Offsides"; and "He Can't See."

Craig Kilborn, CBS late-night television host, commenting on how crass Janet Jackson's halftime incident was during Super Bowl XXXVIII: "so crass and so sleazy that Fox television is launching its own investigation (as to) why they didn't do it first."

Chad Bratzke, explaining life in the NFL: "The pads don't keep you from getting hurt. They just keep you from getting killed."

Bret Lewis, Los Angeles radio announcer: "The Philadelphia Eagles signed wide receiver Terrell Owens despite his reputation as a clubhouse cancer. A few days later, the home of the Eagles, Veterans Stadium, implodes. Connect the dots, people."

Tom Arnold, of Fox Sports Net's Best Damn Sports Show Period, during the "Things you wouldn't say to.... segment, said this about Warren Sapp: "Hey, Warren, the Raiders signed you to a seven-year deal. I guess Bill Callahan was right --- they are the dumbest team in America."

Thomas "Hollywood" Henderson, suggesting that Terry Bradshaw wasn't very smart: "He's so dumb, he couldn't spell 'cat' if you spotted him the 'c' and the 'a'."

Ricky Williams: "I didn't quit football because I failed a drug test, I failed a test because I was ready to quite football."

William "The Refrigerator" Perry: "I've been big ever since I was little."

Rodney Landingham, University of Nevada defensive back, arrested on charges of bank robbery, in a jailhouse interview was quoted as saying: "It would've been worth it if I hadn't gotten caught."

Chuck Mills: "When it comes to football, God is prejudiced - toward big, fast kids."

Luke Salisbury: "Watching football is like watching pornography. There's plenty of action, and I can't take my eyes off it, but when it's over, I wonder why the hell I spent an afternoon doing it."

Sue Lawley: "American football makes rugby look like a Tupperware party."

Frank Middleton, Oakland Raiders; prior to Super Bowl XXXVII he was asked what was the best thing his ex-head coach Jon Gruden did for the Oakland Raiders. Frank said: "Leave."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Terry Bradshaw: "I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid."

Reggie Williams, when asked his greatest strengths as a football player : "Speed, strength, and the inability to register pain immediately."

Elbert Hubbard: "College football is a sport that bears the same relation to education that bullfighting does to agriculture."

Randy Cross: "The NFL, like life, is full of idiots."

Merle Kessler: "Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers."

Joe Jacoby: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl"
Matt Millen: "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom, too."

Blackie Sherrod, on an auto wreck involving hard-living quarterback Bobby Layne: "After indulging is some heavy, late-night research with some scholarly friends, Bobby was driving back to his hotel, innocently enough, when he was side-swiped by several empty cars lurking at curbside."

Duffy Daugherty: "A tie is like kissing your sister."

Jeff Kemp: "Rapport? You mean like, 'You run as fast as you can, and I'll throw it as far as I can'?"

President Gerald Ford: "I had pro offers from the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers, who were pretty hard up for linemen in those days. If I had gone into professional football the name Jerry Ford might have been a household word today."

Emmitt Smith, when asked about new Cowboy coach Bill "The Big Tuna" Parcells: "I have not talked to him, but I have been eating a lot of tuna."

Jack "The Assassin" Tatum, former Raiders defensive back: "I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault."

Howie Long, having fun at the expense of Fox colleague Terry Bradshaw: "In Montana, they renamed a town after an all-time great, Joe Montana. Well, a town in Massachusetts changed their name to honor my guy Terry Bradshaw--Marblehead."

Jim Brosnahan, the defense attorney representing the city of Oakland in the NFL team's suit against the city of Oakland, after a couple of lively courtroom exchanges between Brosnahan and Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis, this exchange took place in court:
BROSNAHAN - "Would it be fair to say you turned around the Raiders in the 1960s?"
DAVIS - "You're being too kind to me."
BROSNAHAN - "It won't last. Let's enjoy the moment."

Conan O'Brien, on the NFL starting its own cable network: This is good because up until now, the only channel to find 24-hour coverage of the NFL players was Court TV."

Erma Bombeck: "If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."

Duffy Daugherty: "Football isn't a contact sport, it's a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."

George Will: "Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings.

Deacon Jones: "I was the originator of smack. Some guys rattle with smack; with other guys it rolls right off their shoulders like nothing."

Max McGee: "When it's third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers and I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time."

Press box Maxim: "Playing football in the morning is like eating cabbage for breakfast."

Tex Schramm, responding to holdout running back's description of him as "sick and demented and dishonest", Schramm replied laughing: "That's not bad. He got two out of three right."

Jason Taylor, on why he presented the whole Miami Dolphins locker room with a gift box of of products from one of his sponsors, Neutrogena: "To rectify some of the ugliness going on in this locker room."

Randy Moss, explaining the no-look, over-the-shoulder lateral to Moe Williams for a 59-yard touchdown: "It' a once-in-a-lifetime thing that only happens every so often."

Rod Smith, when asked if he had ever seen a similar play to the Randy Moss to Moe Williams, no-look, over-the-shoulder lateral play: "Yeah, on PlayStation."

Bill Curry: "He's a leading leader on this football team."

Scott Ostler, San Francisco Chronicle reporter, commenting on the announcement that the NFL hopes to put a team in Los Angeles by 2008: "L.A. greeted the news with widespread riots, crazy parties and celebrations, honking and shouting, cars overturned and set afire, and thousands of gunshots fired into the air. Or, maybe that stuff had nothing to do with the NFL announcement."

Leroy Hoard, describing his running style: "You need two yards, I'll get you three. You need 10 yards, I'll get you three."

Ray Lewis: "Pain is only temporary, no matter how long it lasts."

Torrin Polk, talking about his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Gary Anderson, FG kicker,: "One thing I've learned over the years is sometimes if you make kicks early in the game, you don't have to make them late."

Phil Simms, remarking on how underdogs never give up hope in football games: "I remember one time, playing for the Giants, when we were playing the unbeatable Dallas Cowboys, they were 8 and 1."

Funny Sports (mis)Quotes

"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different to any other." (John Sleightholme, sports presenter BBC 1

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (John Arlott)

"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get
his leg over, prefers to use his left hand." (Ted Lowe)

"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett

"Henry Horton's got a funny stance. It looks as if he's sh*tting on a shooting stick." (Brian Johnstone)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)

"The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It's long and square." (Trevor Bailey)

"Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running." (Ron Pickering)

"A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)

"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation." (Ron Pickering)

"That's inches away from being millimeter perfect" (Ted Lowe)

"I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (Jon Snagge, Boat Race)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests absolutely round." (Tony Crozier)

"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel, a Mecca for tourists." (David Vine)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)

Quotes About Dogs

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog? -- Unknown

Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. -- Holbrook Jackson

It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing milk-bone underwear -- Norm, on Cheers

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's much too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. -- Unknown

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. -- Unknown

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. -- Gene Hill

In dog years, I'm dead. -- Unknown

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. -- Aldous Huxley

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. -- Robert Benchley

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. -- Sue Murphy

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. -- August Strindberg

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. -- Fran Lebowitz

Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -- Anne Tyler

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -- Rita Rudner

Quotes About Cats

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens -- Abraham Lincoln

Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff. -- Anon

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. -- Anon

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. -- Alfred North Whitehead

Cats always seem so very wise, when staring with their half-closed eyes. Can they be thinking, ''I'll be nice, and maybe she will feed me twice?'' -- Bette Midler

The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. -- Doug Larson

One cat just leads to another. -- Ernest Hemingway
The phrase 'domestic cat' is an oxymoron. -- George Will
I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. --  Hippolyte Taine

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. -- Jeff Valdez

A home without a cat--and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat--may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title? -- Mark Twain

A cat is more intelligent than people believe, and can be taught any crime. -- Mark Twain

Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with a cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat. -- Mark Twain

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her. -- Mark Twain

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does - but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.  -- Mark Twain

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later.  -- Mary Bly

When I play with my cat, who knows whether I do not make her more sport than she makes me? -- Michael de Montaigne

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. -- Missy Dizick

If cats could talk, they wouldn't. -- Nan Porter

Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons. -- Robertson Davies

To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction and a cat. The last ingredient is usually hardest to come by. -- Stephen Baker

Into A Bar it’s Friday !!!!!!

An fish walks into a bar and orders a scotch and water and tells the bartender to, "Hold the scotch, and bring it in a large bowl."

A bartender walks into a church, a temple and a mosque. He has no idea how jokes work.

A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7 and 2."

A homophobe, a rapist and a black guy walks into a bar. Everyone's like, "Can I have your autograph, Kobe?"

A girl walks into a bar in the Castro section of San Fransico, wearing nothing but a smile, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender tells her, "you may want to cover up first." She gets huffy and says, "What's the matter, you don't approve of the City's clothing optional policy?" The bartender says, "No, I'm fine with it, its just that the guy before you was itching and scratching the whole time!"

An electrician walks into a bar all amped up and is shocked when the bartender refuses him regular service.

A guy walks into a bar with a dog. He claims the dog can talk. "Give me a beer and I'll show you." The bartender slides a beer to him and the man asks the dog, "Fido, what is that above our heads?" The dog says, "Roof!" The irritated bartender says, "That's not talking, he sounds like any other dog." The man says, "OK, how about this - Fido, who was the best baseball player of all time?" The dog says, "Ruth!" The bartender throws the man and the dog out of the bar. Fido says to the man, "Ya think I shouldda said DiMaggio?"

A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground, he starts screaming, "You're not so tough now, are you, Batman?"

A pig walks into a bar, the bartender says "What'll it be?" The pig replies, "A pint of guinea's please."

A Rolex walks into a bar and buys drinks for eveybody. Pretty soon the place is rockin and the good times are flowing. The crowd starts a conga line and they pass the Rolex from the front to the back, until the last guy gets it and throws it back to the person in front. "Wow," says the bartender, "Time does fly when you're having fun!"

A 30's something woman walks into a bar and orders four dirty martinis. "Why four?" the bartender asks. She smiles at him and says, "It's Girls Night Out and I am going to tell my husband that I bought the first round!"

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

A guy walks into a bar right at quitting time and orders one drink after another. The bartender gets concerned and asks the guy, "Problems at work, pal?" The guy says "Yeah; I'm a personal trainer at Planet Fitness and they let me go today because they said 'I just wasn't working out.'".

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

A woman walks into bar and sits next to a handsome man. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together, and go back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that a wall in his bedroom is completely filled with three shelves of soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears on three shelves carefully placed in rows and lovingly arranged. She is immediately touched by the amount of thought he had in organizing his collection, with the small bears on the bottom and the huge enormous bears along the top shelf. That such as large, masculine man should be so caring and sensitive it beyond belief. They share a bottle of wine and talk and after awhile, she thinks, 'Oh my God! maybe this is the one! The future father of my children?' They kiss, the passion builds and they make their way back to the bedroom for a night of mad passionate lovemaking. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they lie there together in the warm afterglow and she gently asks while stroking his hairy chest, 'Well, how was it?' The sensitive guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

A lesbian walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We have a new liquor in today!" The lesbian says, "That's great! I'd love to meet her!" 

A really big Chia pet walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "What’ll it be?" The Chia pet says, "Anything but water!"

An anagramist walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Why the clean fog?"

A drunk walks into a bar and the bartender asks me what I want.

Two vegetarians walk into a bar and order drinks. Pretty soon they start arguing loudly about beans, really, and the bartender steps into settle it. "Heh," he says, "I've got no beef with either of you! Just soy long as neither of you hold a grudge, why don't you just end it now since there's not much at steak?" They both agreed and left, saying "Lettuce meat again next week over brunch."

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.

A spook and a skeleton both walk into a bar and order drinks. Right off the bartender refuses the skeleton service. "Heh, why me?" asks the skeleton. The barkeep relies, "Because you can't hold your liquor!" He then turns to the spook and says, "There's not a ghost of a chance I will serve you, either!" "Careful," says the spook "that could come back to haunt you!"

A man walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he notices Van Gogh by the jukebox. He calls over, “Hey, Van Gogh! Want a drink?” and Van Gogh replies “No, thanks. I’ve got one ‘ere.”

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar. The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink. He replied, "I think not." And he vanished.

Heisenberg was also sitting at the bar. After Descartes vanished in a puff of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?" Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain."

The bartender then noticed Einstein was there. So he asked him if he could believe what had happened. Einstein replied, "It's all relative."

Carl Sagan was there. He walked over to him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in THIS bar?" Sagan replied, "No. Why, there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of bars out there."

Meanwhile, Gustav Hertz was having such a great time, that he promised to return in the future at a much greater frequency.

Robert Boyle commented that he thought everyone was under too much pressure to come up with an answer to what was happening.

Erwin Schroedinger tried to explain that in the absence of an observer, Decartes left but at the same time did not leave.

Alexander Volta disagreed stating there was a potential difference between his staying or going.

James Watt had had a bad day and said he had come in just to let off a little steam.

Charles Darwin was waiting to see what would evolve.

Thomas Edison stated that he found the whole thing illuminating.

Andre Ampere helped the bartender ascertain that all the statements were kept current.

Eli Whitney said, "I believe I will have another gin."

Sir Isaac Newton pondered the gravity of the situation.

Robert Goddard said the situation was not rocket science.

Archimedes didn't participate. He was out having a screw.

Georg Ohm, though he resisted answering, did provide a tasty treat for the crowd. Everyone loved Ohm's Slaw.

Max Karl Ernst Ludwig Planck thought it a constant drain of energy to contemplate the disappearance.

Gaston Plante thought Descartes should be put in a cell for battery.

William Sturgeon and Joseph Henry made a good gauss at where Descartes had gone.

Johann Salomo, Christoph Schweigger, and Jacques Arsene d'Arsonval were galvanized into instant action.

Both Mr. and Mrs. Curie thought that Descartes had a radiating personality, even after his disappearance.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender sees this and says, "Get out! We can't serve you here!". The pirate replies, "Arr, is it because I've got a Bounty on me head?"

John Hurt walks into a bar, with that alien emerging from his chest. The bartender asks, "What's gotten into you?"

A default Sans Serif font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"

A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, you can get this guy off my butt!"

A corn stalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wanna hear a good joke?" The corn stalk says, "I'm all ears!"

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. 

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want a long neck?" The giraffe says, "Do I have a choice?"

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Can I have a bag of helicopter flavor chips?" The barkeep says, "Sorry, we only have plain."

A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "What do you call that?", asks the bartender. "I call him Tiny, because he's my newt!"

A pregnant woman walks into a bar, and is soon approached by a guy who says, "Can I sit here with you? She says, "No, I'm expecting someone."

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.

A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A man walks into a English pub and asks how much for a pint of Adenosine Triphosphate. The bartender says "That's 80p." 

After a long's day work, two termites crawl into a tavern for a drink. The tiredest one asks the waiter, "Is the bar tender, here?" The waiter answers, " I wooden know." His buddy, ticked off at the bad pun, beats him to a pulp, until the tired one passes out and starts to saw logs.

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

A Canadian guy walks into a bar, on the stool next to him is some footwear. The says to the bartender, "What's this - a boot?"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a bar. After scrutinizing the group, the bartender says "I'm sorry, but I can't let you come in here without a Thai."

Quotes About Dogs

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than they love themselves.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.

Ever wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult? 

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never bathed a dog.

If your dog is fat, YOU aren't getting enough exercise.

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? We come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My goodness, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'

Dogs are not our whole life, but they do make our lives whole. 

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.

My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am.

Laws of Physics for Cats

If physics even applies to them...

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by some outside force such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there's a good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All clothing attracts cat hair in direct proportion to the degree of color difference between the cat hair and the fabric color.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make its body long enough to reach just about any countertop which has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state if a cat is present.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Comfort Seeking
A cat will will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat as soon as possible.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Equidistant Separation
All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the furniture's cost.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

Law of Cat Invisibility
Cats think that if they can’t see you, then you can’t see them.

Law of Cat Probability (Cat’s Uncertainty Principle)
It isn't possible to predict where a cat actually is, only where it “might” be.

Law of Selective Listening
Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can’t hear a simple command three feet away.

Law of Concentration of Mass
A cat’s mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.

Law of Cat Obedience
As yet undiscovered.