Message From The Bar Staff

Please remember to order one drink at a time as we like to run backwards and forwards, it keeps us fit.

When ordering a round please make sure that you don't know what you want when you arrive at the bar. We like to stand and wait while you nip back & forth or shout across the room to find out, (although we do find that other customers who have been waiting for 1/2 an hour tend to start moaning, but hey, that's not your problem!)

Once you have received two drinks please take them back to your table and stay for a quick chat before coming back to pay. We'll still be waiting, we're not going anywhere and we appreciate the rest.

Always order stout last. We really want you to stand at the bar with all your other drinks while it settles, and are particularly pleased when we forget about it and have to be reminded to top it up.

Never put money in our hands. We like to pick it up off the bar, especially if it's all in change in a puddle of beer.

Never say please or thank you - the shock could bring on a heart attack.

Always wait until we have rung your round into the till before asking for crisps, nuts, snacks etc.

When requiring Ready Salted crisps please ensure that you ask for the full range of flavors available before asking for 'plain' - it helps us learn the stock.

If you have been waiting at the bar for at least two minutes please heckle us and tell us you have been there for 1/2 an hour - it keeps us on our toes as we have no concept of time.

Can we remind you that the bell is there just to make sure you are awake - we don't want you to come to the bar for last orders until two minutes past eleven when we have turned the lights off.

If not 'of the faith' when spotting the water jug on the bar please shout ' what's that, holy water?' - although we have heard it a million times before we never cease to find it hilarious.

When buying a pint for Tom, Colin etc. please don't ask them what they want - just tell us their name and point out where they're standing because we like to guess and get such a thrill when we get it right.

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

And as an added extra;
"I must be going home now as I have work in the morning."

Warning

If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker guy named "Big Al".

Philosophy Of Beer

A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - - yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - - your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions - - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first - - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled.

"I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers!

Classic Bar One Liners

Jesus Christ walks into a bar. He hands the bartender three nails, and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

A seal walked into a club.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says "Pint please, and one for the road."

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar. The Bartender looks up an says ... "What, Is this some kind of a joke?"

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer.................................................................................................................................................... and some of those peanuts."

The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Get out! We don't want your type in here"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A Russian, a Frenchman, and a Canadian walk into a bar. The Russian asks the bartender for vodka, so he gives him an entire bottle. The Russian pours out a shot, drinks it, and throws the rest of the bottle into the air and shoots it. The bartender asks, "What did you do that for?" and the Russian replies, "In my country, we have too much vodka."

The bartender shakes his head and turns to the Frenchman, who orders wine. The Frenchman pours a glass, drinks it, then throws the rest of the bottle in the air and shoots it to smithereens. "In my country," he says, "we have too much wine."

The bartender shakes his head again, and turns hesitantly to the Canadian to ask him what he would like.

Cop-speak Translated

While on routine patrol...
I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.

The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner
He had a bumper sticker that said "SLOW DOWN-DON'T FEED THE PIGS"

The accident scene and the safety of the victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control
It was raining.

This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information from a street informant.
It was too hot to ride in the car.

I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...
The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.

Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
He puked on my uniform one night...

The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable information in the past...
I've got two theft cases hanging over his head...

While being arrested, this subject resisted and was injured in the act...
He ripped my shirt and broke my new mirror sunglasses...

The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
I wrote one citation for each swear-word he used...

Upon announcing my title and purpose, I heard a voice from inside the house say "Come in" so this writer entered through the door...
The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard Patton's army so I kicked in the door.

The members of the press at the scene were offered every courtesy within departmental policies...
I sent then to a nonexistent address which I called the "Command Post".

The Chief appeared at the scene and took command...
I sent him to the same address as the reporters.

I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...
She was a good-looking blonde who owned a liquor store and who was free after my shift was over.

Further interview of the witness was impossible, due to conditions.
It was my bowling night...

The motorist eyes were glassy, he had slurred speech , was unsteady on his feet, and smelled strongly of an alcoholic beverage.
He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the back seat.

Using only enough force to restrain the subject...
My favorite song is "Drop-kick me Jesus Through the Goal Post of Life"

The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the judge at his arraignment...
I told him he didn't have the balls to call the judge the same name he called me.

The Canadian orders a beer, drinks the whole bottle in one go, then pulls out his gun and shoots the Frenchman. "In my country," he says, "we have too many Frenchmen."

You Might Be A Cop If...

You have the bladder capacity of five people.

You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.

You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm.

Your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change.

You call for a CCH on anyone that is friendly toward you.

You think it is perfectly normal to discuss dismemberment over a gourmet meal.

You can identify a negative "tattoo to tooth" ratio just by looking at a person.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance.

You believe that a "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for an arrest.

You believe that the Government should require a permit to reproduce.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is quiet around here".

You refer to your nightstick as your "Dork Slayer".

You believe that chocolate is a food group.

You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a prick.

You have wanted to hold a seminar on "Suicide, getting it right the first time.,

You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid jury verdict.

You have had to put a complainant on hold, while you laugh uncontrollably.

You have wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular bar.

You believe the dispatcher is possessed.

You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form.

You're not referring to food when you mention vegetables.

You believe that the holding cell should come with a Valium salt lick.

You have heard: "I have no idea how that got there," on more than a few occasions.

You suddenly realize one night that you are patrolling the Twilight Zone.

You correlate "two beers" with 0.15  BAC.

You have learned a lot about paranoia, simply by following random cars around in your patrol car.

You believe that it is a "good" death only if it involves overtime.