Actuaries Jokes

An actuary, an underwriter, and an insurance salesperson are riding in a car. The salesperson has his foot on the gas, the underwriter has his foot on the brake, and the actuary is looking out the back window telling them where to go.

A casualty actuary priced an automobile "Fire and Theft" policy with an extremely low premium. When asked why it was so cheap, he said, "Who would steal a burnt car?"

A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000. The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "I have this situation in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?"

An actuary is walking down the corridor when he feels a twinge in his chest. Immediately, he runs to the stairwell and hurls himself down. His friend, visiting him in the hospital, asks why he did that.
The actuary replies, "The chances of having a heart attack and falling down the stairs are much lower than the chances of having a heart attack only."

An actuary and an underwriter are watching the eleven o'clock news. A story comes on involving a man on a window ledge threatening to jump. The underwriter says, "I'll bet you fifty bucks he doesn't jump." The actuary says, "I'll take the bet."

A few minutes later they see that the guy does indeed jump. As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, "Never mind. It's not fair. I saw it on the six o'clock news." The underwriter responds, "So did I, but I just didn't think it would happen twice."

What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a mafia actuary can name them.

An actuary and a farmer were traveling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1,248 sheep out there."
The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?"
The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four."

What's the difference between an actuary and an accountant?
An actuary does much the same thing as an accountant but lacks the accountant's bright and vivacious personality.

How actuaries do it...

Actuaries do it without risk.
Actuaries do it with frequency and severity.
Actuaries do it until death or disability, whichever comes first.

Hoteliers Jokes

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.

"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"

"Please wait, someone else is using it."

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

Groucho Marx

A not so rich couple decided to stay at a very exclusive hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprised to find they owe $3000.

"How's this? We've only been here one night!" the man was annoyed.
"So?", said the manager, "this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up."
"But we didn't use any of these!" explained the couple.
"If you didn't use - that's your problem," came the reply.

"In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill," said the man.
"What do you mean?" the manager was taken off guard, "I didn't sleep with your wife!"
"If you didn't use - that's your problem!"

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.

Shelley Berman

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

Poker Players Jokes

Joe's just gotten his morning coffee on the way to work when a booming voice tells him: "Take the freeway instead of your normal shortcut." He takes the freeway and when he gets to the office everyone is talking about a huge accident that occurred on his normal route to work.

Three days later he's grilling burgers in his backyard and the voice tells him: "Go inside and watch television." He does and through the window outside he watches a huge oak tree fall and crush the grill where he was just standing.

When the voice tells him to sell everything he owns and move to Vegas, he sells everything he owns and moves to Vegas. The voice tells him to pay $10,000 to enter the World Series of Poker Main Event, which he does.

He's dealt two red aces and the voice tells him to go all-in. He shoves all-in and five different players call. The flop is Jack of clubs, 10 of clubs, 9 of clubs...

"Oh shit..." the voice says.

What's the difference between a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and a professional poker player?

Poker dealers love a bucket of KFC, plus it can successfully feed a family of four.

A world-renowned heart-surgeon and poker pro and a blonde cocktail waitress are sitting next to each other in a $1-2 NL cash game at the MGM in Las Vegas. The surgeon is upset as the blonde keeps winning big pots from him despite it being the first time she's ever played poker.

He suggests they play a prop bet where they ask each other questions; if they don't know the answer to the question; they have to pay the other person. She asks him how she's supposed to compete with a smart, world-renowned surgeon, as she's just a simple cocktail waitress. Eager to make her look stupid, he offers her odds, so that she has to pay him $5 for every time he stumps her, but he'll pay her $50 each time she stumps him. She agrees.

He asks her what the capital of Paraguay is and she shrugs and flips him a red $5 chip.

Her question for him is: "What rises in the evening, sleeps in the morning, and has twice as many brothers as sisters?"

He thinks and thinks and thinks, getting more frustrated, then whips out his iPhone, calls his friends, and finally checks the Internet for an answer. He finally gives up and shoves $50 in chips over to her.

"Well," he angrily demands, "what's the answer?"

She shrugs and flips him another $5 chip.

A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a professional poker player were fishing from a boat not from the shore of a lake. The pastor needed to go to the bathroom so he got out of the boat, walked across the water, disappeared into the woods by the shore, then walked back across the water to the boat and climbed back in.

The priest was the next to make the trip, getting out of the boat, walking across the water, disappearing into the trees, then walking back across the water and returning to the boat.

The professional poker player was the last to go. He stepped out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said: "You really should have told him where the rocks are."

A poker pro sees an old friend of his at the Rio during the World Series of Poker and pulls him aside.

"Look, man," he says, "I really hate to ask this but you've known me for years and you know I wouldn't ask unless I'm desperate. I've been running terrible, I can't feed my wife and kids right now, and we're about to get kicked out of our house. Can I borrow $1,000 just to keep our heads above water until I figure something out?"

"Of course," his friend says, "but with just one condition. You have to swear to me that you won't play poker with it, and that it'll go towards food for your family."

The poker pro breaks out into a huge grin. "I swear. I can even prove it to you, as here's my $10,000 entry to the Main Event that I just bought in for, so I'll definitely be too busy the next few days to even think about playing poker with the $1,000!"

Why do giraffes hate to play poker?

Because you can't shake a tree without a bunch of cheetahs falling out.

Sylvester Stallone, known to millions as Rocky Balboa on film, decided to play a little poker one day. He obviously had been to online guide and learned how to play the game there.
After about an hour, the floor man had the rail kicked out of the room. When asked why he kicked them out, he said that the railbirds were telling the table how Mr. Stallone was playing. He said, "They kept chanting, Rocky, Rocky, Rocky!"

The other day, I came home to see my neighbor dragging his wife though a pile of leaves in his front yard. She looked none too happy. When I asked him what he was doing, he said "I just watched Rounders. They said that women were the rake."

One day, I was playing in a Texas Hold'em game and a portly man sat down to play. He was reading "Tricks of a Professional Poker Dealer" on his Kindle while playing. Every so often, the dealer would point to him and say "you're big." After about the fourth time of the dealer telling him he was "big", an elderly woman at the table said, "Young lady, I think it is highly disrespectful for you to keep commenting on his weight like that." Her neighbor leaned in and told the lady, "she was telling him he was the big blind."

What's the difference between a turkey and a pro poker player? A turkey can actually feed a family on Thanksgiving?

A pro poker goes home with his wife for Christmas. Once walking into the house, he tells his wife "your Uncle is having an affair with his secretary. The wife knows and you might want to ask your mom who your real dad is." His wife goes, "How did you know? My Uncle and Aunt just separated and my real dad was killed in the Army." He says, "I'm a poker player. I can read men like books." His wife says, "I think I had better go home and pack my things." He says, "Why?" She says, "You will find out once your brother shows up."

Banker Jokes

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.

John Paul Getty

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman.

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"

"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"

"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

Mark Wachs, The funniest jokes and how to tell them

A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys." The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.

Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?"

The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"

A lady was newly appointed as a clerk in a bank. The manager of that branch was fond of Literature and books. He asked the clerk,"Do you know William Shakespeare?" The clerk replied,"No. In which branch is he working?"

After that the manager only asks her about cheques and drafts.

Jones applied to a finance agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job.

Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount. "Amazing!" the manager said. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied. "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

Things you would NOT want to see happen at the ATM

You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card. You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.
You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.
You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.
You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."

How bankers do it...

Bankers do it risk-free.
Bankers do it just for money.
Bankers charge a fee each time they do it.
Bankers do it with varying rates of interest.
Bankers do it with a penalty for early withdrawal..

3 guys walk into a bakery; an investment banker, a government employee, and a tea partier.
The lady behind the counter puts out a dozen cookies.
Wall Street pockets 11 and tells the tea partier the damn government worker is trying to steal his cookie.

Judges Jokes

The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you plead?"
"Not guilty" said the second defendant.
"I wasn't talking to you" the judge replied.
"I never said a word" the third defendant replied.

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I\'ve never done anything like that before."

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.

"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"

"Well your Honor," the man told him, "Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!"

The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, "I don't recognize this court!"
"Why?" asked the Judge.
"Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was here."

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.

The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!"

Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked.

"But I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card!"

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your Honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, Your Honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.

"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"
"I do."
"Now what do you say to defend yourself?"
"Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."

The judge said to his dentist: "Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."

Judge: "Have you anything to offer to this Court before I pass sentence?"
Defendant: "No your honor, my lawyer took every penny."

Judge: "Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?"
Defendant: "Yes, it's true."
Judge: "Then, why don't you just pay him back?"
Defendant: "Because it wouldn't be true anymore."

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.

A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?"

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: "What was the date again?"

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

Courtroom Q & A

Q: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand?
A: Yes
Q: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995?
A: Oral.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q: Your first marriage was terminated by death?
A: Yes, by death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct?
A: Yes.
Q: And these same stairs, did the also go up?

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are on dead people.

When you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.

Justice: A decision in your favor.

Cross-examination Revisited

Now, your youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone, or by yourself?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the accident?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"

Statisticians Jokes

Three statisticians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first statistician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second statistician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third statistician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "On the average we got it!"

Did you hear about the politician who promised that, if he was elected, he'd make certain that everybody would get an above average income?

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

Attributed by Mark Twain to Benjamin Disraeli

Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Statistics is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with 95% confidence.

A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying:
"Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?"

The student replies bitterly, as he is still flipping the coin: "Shhh! I am checking my answers!"

There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it , then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there."

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"

To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."

I asked a statistician for her phone number... and she gave me an estimate.

In God we trust. All others must bring data.

Robert Hayden, Plymouth State College

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

79.48% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

John A. Paulos

"Give us a copper Guv," said the beggar to the Treasury statistician when he waylaid him in Parliament square. "I haven't eaten for three days."
"Ah," said the statistician, "And how does that compare with the same period last year?"

Russell Lewis

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will.

Paul Harvey News, 1979

Three percent exceeds 2 percent by 50 percent, not by 1 percent.

Edward Denison, 1960

"Why are you moving? You have arrived to this lovely neighborhood just a few weeks ago."
"Yes, but I read in the local paper a bit of statistics that said, 'most auto accidents happen within eight miles of your home'."

A statistician's wife had twins. He was delighted. He rang the minister who was also delighted.
"Bring them to church on Sunday and we'll baptize them," said the minister.
"No," replied the statistician. "Baptize one. We'll keep the other as a control."

STATS: The Magazine For Students of Statistics, Winter 1996, Number 15

Patient: "Will I survive this risky operation?"
Surgeon: "Yes, I'm absolutely sure that you will survive the operation."
Patient: "How can you be so sure?"
Surgeon: "9 out of 10 patients die in this operation, and yesterday died my ninth patient."

Top ten reasons to be a statistician

1. Estimating parameters is easier than dealing with real life.

2. Statisticians are significant

3. I always wanted to learn the entire Greek alphabet.

4. The probability a statistician major will get a job is > .9999.

5. If I flunk out I can always transfer to Engineering.

6. We do it with confidence, frequency, and variability.

7. You never have to be right - only close.

8. We're normal and everyone else is skewed.

9. The regression line looks better than the unemployment line.

10. No one knows what we do so we are always right.

Statistics Revisited

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

Statistically speaking, in China, even if you are a one in a million kind of guy, there are a thousand more just like you.

Did you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed?

One out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If they're OK, then it's you.

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.

Here are the results of our drug testing study on rabbits: 1/3 of the sample died; 1/3 of the sample survived; the other one ran away.

With one foot in a bucket of ice water, and one foot in a bucket of boiling water, you are, on the average, comfortable.

How statisticians do it...

Statisticians probably do it.
Statisticians do it continuously but discretely.
Statisticians do it when it counts.
Statisticians do it with large numbers.
Statisticians do it with significance.
Statisticians do it on random walks.
Statisticians do it stochastically.
Statisticians do it. After all, it's only normal.
Statisticians do it with standard deviations.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Statisticians do it with only a 5% chance of being rejected.

You Might Be a Statistician if...

no one wants your job.
you are right 95% of the time.
you feel complete and sufficient.
you found accountancy too exciting.
you never have to say you are certain.

you may not be normal but you are transformable.

Learning Statistics is like taking a Mediterranean cruise.

You gain a new appreciation for the vastness of the world; You meet dozens of new characters, half of them with Greek names;and After 2 hours you feel utterly seasick.

All models are wrong. Some are useful.

It is good to express a thing twice right at the outset and so to give it a right foot and also a left one. Truth can surely stand on one leg, but with two it will be able to walk and get around.

"It is easy to lie with statistics. But it is easier to lie without them."

Once two statistician of height 4 feet and 5 feet have to cross a river of AVERAGE depth 3 feet. Meanwhile, a third statistician come and said "what are you waiting for? you can easily cross the river"

Funny side of the world

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Wednesday, February 6, 2013