Jokes about Managers
A doctor, a lawyer and a
manager were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For
sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all
sorts of legal problems."
The doctor says: "It's
better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is
good for your health."
The
manager says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the
wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your
wife -- you can go to the office and do some work.
A new manager spends a week at
his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing
manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer.
Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track
there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the
manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his
predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame
your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the
company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.
The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read,
"Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three
months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message
inside says "Prepare three envelopes".
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost
so much," asks the man.
The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the
next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do
everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating
system.
Naturally, the increasingly
startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000
dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To
which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a
thing, but the other two call him boss!"
The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."
By three measures a manager is
known:
- The thickness of the carpet in his office.
- The area of his desk.
- The volume of his car's engine.
- The thickness of the carpet in his office.
- The area of his desk.
- The volume of his car's engine.
Never arrive on time, or you
will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.
Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was
discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the
reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired
to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The
Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American
team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and
millions spent analyzing the problem, the American team's management structure
was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three
area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person
rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese
won by two miles!
Humiliated,
the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the
managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire.
My job, my money, my house,
anything!"
Everyone laughs at the
outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate.
Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO
(Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the
alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to
spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.
The flabbergasted CEO
approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything
like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours.
Tell me what I can do for you."
The
CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell
pushed me in the pool!!"
The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.
The farmer told him to clean
the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city,
working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish
the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one
day.
The next day the farmer gave
to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The
farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end
of the day the job was done.
The next morning, as most of
the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of
potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big
potatoes.
At the end of the day the
farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the
two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made
such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple
job?"
The
manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with
shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."
I sit here all day trying to persuade people to do the things they ought to have sense enough to do without my persuading them.
Harry S. Truman
The first myth of management
is that it exists.
Some people manage by the
book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
Give all orders verbally.
Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
We are too busy mopping the
floor to turn off the faucet.
Management by objectives is no
better than the objectives.
"I've
given you an unlimited budget, and you have already exceeded it!"
Math Jokes
How they prove that all odd
integers higher than 2 are prime?
Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by
induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime,...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...
Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime,...
Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can,...
Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release,...
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,...
Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...
Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime,...
Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime...
Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime,...
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,...
Casino Card Counters: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, but I'll take a 21 over any of them.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime,...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...
Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime,...
Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can,...
Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release,...
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,...
Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...
Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime,...
Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime...
Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime,...
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,...
Casino Card Counters: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, but I'll take a 21 over any of them.
There are two groups of people in the world;
those who believe that the world can be
divided into two groups of people,
and those who don't.
those who believe that the world can be
divided into two groups of people,
and those who don't.
There are two groups of people in the world:
Those who can be categorized into one of two
groups of people, and those who can't.
Those who can be categorized into one of two
groups of people, and those who can't.
The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out
and says, "Go forth and multiply."
A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the
animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing
fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says
Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the
snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want
to tell me how the trees helped?"
"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need
logs to multiply."
What is the integral of "one over cabin"
with respect to "cabin"?
Answer: Natural log cabin + c = houseboat.
Answer: Natural log cabin + c = houseboat.
A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government
by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western
country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger
jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the
sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was
an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got
louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends
cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a
simple pole in a complex plane."
What is "pi"?
Mathematician: Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its
diameter.
Engineer: Pi is about 22/7.
Physicist: Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005
Computer Programmer: Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.
Nutritionist: You one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!
Engineer: Pi is about 22/7.
Physicist: Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005
Computer Programmer: Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.
Nutritionist: You one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!
10) e is easier to spell than pi.
9) pi ~= 3.14 while e ~=2.718281828459045.
8) The character for e can be found on a keyboard, but pi sure can't.
7) Everybody fights for their piece of the pie.
6) ln(pi^1) is a really nasty number, but ln(e^1) = 1.
5) e is used in calculus while pi is used in baby geometry.
4) 'e' is the most commonly picked vowel in Wheel of Fortune.
3) e stands for Euler's Number, pi doesn't stand for squat.
2) You don't need to know Greek to be able to use e.
1) You can't confuse e with a food product.
9) pi ~= 3.14 while e ~=2.718281828459045.
8) The character for e can be found on a keyboard, but pi sure can't.
7) Everybody fights for their piece of the pie.
6) ln(pi^1) is a really nasty number, but ln(e^1) = 1.
5) e is used in calculus while pi is used in baby geometry.
4) 'e' is the most commonly picked vowel in Wheel of Fortune.
3) e stands for Euler's Number, pi doesn't stand for squat.
2) You don't need to know Greek to be able to use e.
1) You can't confuse e with a food product.
10) e is less challenging to spell than pi.
9) e ~=2.718281828459045, which can be easily memorized to its billionth place, whereas pi needs "skills" to be memorized.
8) The character for e is so cheap that it can be found on a keyboard. But
is special (it's under
"special symbols" in word processor programs.)
7) Pi is the bigger piece of pie.
6) e has an easy limit definition and infinite series. The limit definition of pi and the infinite series are much harder.
5) e you understand what it is even though you start learning it late when you're in pre-calculus. But pi, even after five or six years it's still hard to know what it really is.
4) People mistakenly confuse Euler's Number (e) with Euler's Constant (gamma). There is no confusion with the one and only.
3) e is named after a person, but pi stands for itself.
2) Pi is much shorter and easier to say than "Euler's Number".
1) To read pi, you don't have to know that Euler's name is really pronounced Oiler.
9) e ~=2.718281828459045, which can be easily memorized to its billionth place, whereas pi needs "skills" to be memorized.
8) The character for e is so cheap that it can be found on a keyboard. But
is special (it's under
"special symbols" in word processor programs.)7) Pi is the bigger piece of pie.
6) e has an easy limit definition and infinite series. The limit definition of pi and the infinite series are much harder.
5) e you understand what it is even though you start learning it late when you're in pre-calculus. But pi, even after five or six years it's still hard to know what it really is.
4) People mistakenly confuse Euler's Number (e) with Euler's Constant (gamma). There is no confusion with the one and only
.3) e is named after a person, but pi stands for itself.
2) Pi is much shorter and easier to say than "Euler's Number".
1) To read pi, you don't have to know that Euler's name is really pronounced Oiler.
A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the differentiation
operator. His friends had him placed in a mental hospital until he got better.
All day he would go around frightening the other patients by staring at them
and saying "I differentiate you!"
One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and said
"I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression didn't
change. Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, stared fiercely
at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate you!", but still
the other man had no reaction. Finally, in frustration, the mathematician
screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"
The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x."
The new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x."
The functions are sitting in a bar, chatting (how fast they go to zero
at infinity etc.). Suddenly, one cries "Beware! Derivation is
coming!" All immediately hide themselves under the tables, only the
exponential sits calmly on the chair.
The derivation comes in, sees a function and says "Hey, you don't fear me?"
"No, I'am e to x", says the exponential self-confidently.
"Well" replies the derivation "but who says I differentiate along x?"
The derivation comes in, sees a function and says "Hey, you don't fear me?"
"No, I'am e to x", says the exponential self-confidently.
"Well" replies the derivation "but who says I differentiate along x?"
What is the shortest mathematicians joke?
Let epsilon be smaller than zero.
Let epsilon be smaller than zero.
Why mathematicians are afraid drive a car?
Because the width of the road is negligible comparing to its length.
Because the width of the road is negligible comparing to its length.
An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician (it is said) were
holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a
train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.
"How interesting," observed the astronomer, "all scottish
sheep are black!"
To which the physicist responded, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are
black!"
The mathematician gazed heavenward in supplication, and then
intoned,"In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least
one sheep,at least one side of which is black.
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A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist
are on a photo-safari in africa. They drive out on the
savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars.
The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the
middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebra's! We'll be
famous!"
The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one
white zebra."
The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra,
which is white on one side."
The computer scientist: "Oh, no! A special case!"
An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician are staying in three
adjoining cabins at an old motel. First the engineer's coffee maker catches
fire. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out
the window, and goes back to sleep.
Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that
a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm.
How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below
the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could
be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it
in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back
to sleep.
The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window.
So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he
is not in the least taken aback. He says: "Aha! A solution exists!"
and goes back to sleep.
A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a streetcafe
watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the
street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After
awhile they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologists: "They have reproduced".
The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."
The biologists: "They have reproduced".
The mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."
One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks
down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.
The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test."
The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test."
The firechief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire
department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then
says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on
fire. What do you do?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire."
The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire."
The chief says, "That's great... perfect. Now I have to ask you
just one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you
see the dumpster is not on fire?"
The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and he finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire."
The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."
The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and he finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire."
The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."
A mathematician and an engineer attend a lecture by a physicist. The
topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in
spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The mathematician is sitting,
clearly enjoying the lecture, while the engineer is frowning and looking
generally confused and puzzled. By the end the engineer has a terrible
headache. At the end, the mathematician comments about the wonderful lecture.
The engineer says "How do you understand this stuff?"
Mathematician: "I just visualize the process."
Engineer: "How can you visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?"
Mathematician: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."
Mathematician: "I just visualize the process."
Engineer: "How can you visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?"
Mathematician: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."
A mathematician is in Africa trying to capture
a lion. When he spots one he proceeds to build a fence around himself and says,
"I define this to be outside!"
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-null bottles of beer,
You take one down, and pass it around,
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
Aleph-null bottles of beer,
You take one down, and pass it around,
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
A mathematician wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became
very upset, telling him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The mathematician replied, "I'm right on
time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."
Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that
the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one
disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of
math.
The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the
second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his
friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has
to do is answer "one third x cubed."
She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?
He repeats "one third x cubed".
She asks, "one thir dex cuebd?"
"Yes, that's right," he says.
So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".
He repeats "one third x cubed".
She asks, "one thir dex cuebd?"
"Yes, that's right," he says.
So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point,
that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the
blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man
calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x
squared?".
The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"
The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they
translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely
different.
Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs and 50
percent imagination.
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
To get to the same side
To get to the same side
There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it
mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about
rectangular coordinates and it couldn't understand them. All the horse's
acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't.
Then a new guy looked at the problem and said,
"Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!"
"Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!"
HOW TO PROVE IT
proof by example:
The author gives only the case
n = 2 and suggests that it contains most of the ideas of the general proof.
proof by intimidation:
"trivial."
proof by vigorous handwaving:
Works well in a classroom or
seminar setting.
proof by cumbersome notation:
Best done with access to at
least four alphabets and special symbols.
proof by exhaustion:
An issue or two of a journal
devoted to your proof is useful.
proof by omission:
"The reader may easily
supply the details"
"The other 253 cases are analogous"
"..."
"The other 253 cases are analogous"
"..."
proof by obfuscation:
A long plotless sequence of
true and/or meaningless syntactically related statements.
proof by wishful citation:
The author cites the negation,
converse, or generalization of a theorem from the literature to support his
claims.
proof by funding:
How could three different
government agencies be wrong?
proof by eminent authority:
"I saw Karp in the
elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete."
proof by personal communication:
"Eight-dimensional
colored cycle stripping is NP-complete [Karp, personal communication]."
proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
"To see that infinite-dimensional
colored cycle stripping is decidable, we reduce it to the halting
problem."
proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
The author cites a simple
corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated memoir of the
Slovenian Philological Society, 1883.
proof by importance:
A large body of useful
consequences all follow from the proposition in question.
proof by accumulated evidence:
Long and diligent search has
not revealed a counterexample.
proof by cosmology:
The negation of the
proposition is unimaginable or meaningless. Popular for proofs of the existence
of God.
proof by mutual reference:
In reference A, Theorem 5 is
said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B, which
is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which
is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A.
proof by metaproof:
A method is given to construct
the desired proof. The correctness of the method is proved by any of these
techniques.
proof by picture:
A more convincing form of
proof by example. Combines well with proof by omission.
proof by vehement assertion:
It is useful to have some kind
of authority relation to the audience.
proof by ghost reference:
Nothing even remotely
resembling the cited theorem appears in the reference given.
proof by forward reference:
Reference is usually to a
forthcoming paper of the author, which is often not as forthcoming as at first.
proof by semantic shift:
Some of the standard but
inconvenient definitions are changed for the statement of the result.
proof by appeal to intuition:
Cloud-shaped drawings
frequently help here.
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at
the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement.
"Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man.
"I'm a mathematical logician dealing in the nature of proof."
"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.
"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went
to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a
new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And
filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."
"And?" said the judge.
"And he asked 'Can you prove you are from New York City?' ...So I stabbed him."
There was a logician who saw a sign on his way to fish that read,
"All the worms you want for $1.00." He stopped his car and ordered $2.00 worth.
The book Dynamic Programming by Richard Bellman is an
important, pioneering work in which a group of problems is collected together
at the end of some chapters under the heading "Exercises and Research
Problems," with extremely trivial questions appearing in the midst of
deep, unsolved problems. It is rumoured that someone once asked Dr. Bellman how
to tell the exercises apart from the research problems, and he replied:
"If you can solve it, it is an exercise; otherwise it's a research
problem."
Told by Donald E. Knuth in his book "The Art of Computer
Programming"
A mathematician is a machine for turning coffee into theorems.
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A conjecture both deep and profound
Is whether a circle is round.
In a paper of Erdös
Written in Kurdish
A counter example is found.
Is whether a circle is round.
In a paper of Erdös
Written in Kurdish
A counter example is found.
- I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
- I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
- I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
- I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
- I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
- I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
- I couldn't figure out whether I am the square of negative one or I am the square root of negative one.
- I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee, and then I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
- I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.
Augustin Louis Cauchy said he surely will managed to integrate well with
everyone.
David Hilbert was afraid he will be pretty spaced out for most of the party.
Paul Erdös asked: "Are epsilons invited too?"
John Forbes Nash insisted on playing n-person zero sum games.
Zeno of Elea said he will come with two friends - Achilles and the tortoise.
Bertrand Russell was wondering: "If the cook only cooks for the guests, who cooks for the cook?"
Kurt Gödel insisted that the invitation is incomplete and never will be.
David Hilbert was afraid he will be pretty spaced out for most of the party.
Paul Erdös asked: "Are epsilons invited too?"
John Forbes Nash insisted on playing n-person zero sum games.
Zeno of Elea said he will come with two friends - Achilles and the tortoise.
Bertrand Russell was wondering: "If the cook only cooks for the guests, who cooks for the cook?"
Kurt Gödel insisted that the invitation is incomplete and never will be.
You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Are you a differentiable function? Because I'd like to be tangent to your curves!
You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
My love for you is a monotonic increasing function of time.
Wanna come back to my room and see my copy of Euclid's "Elements"?
I am equivalent to the Empty Set when you are not with me.
Are you a differentiable function? Because I'd like to be tangent to your curves!
You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
My love for you is a monotonic increasing function of time.
Wanna come back to my room and see my copy of Euclid's "Elements"?
I am equivalent to the Empty Set when you are not with me.
Clearly: I don't want to write down all the "in-between"
steps.
trivial: If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class.
It can easily be shown: No more than four hours are needed to prove it.
Check for yourself: This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.
Hint: The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.
Brute force: Four special cases, three counting arguments and two long inductions.
Elegant proof: Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.
Similarly: At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.
Two line proof: I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em.
Briefly: I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster.
Proceed formally: Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning.
Proof omitted: trust me, It's true.
trivial: If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class.
It can easily be shown: No more than four hours are needed to prove it.
Check for yourself: This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.
Hint: The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.
Brute force: Four special cases, three counting arguments and two long inductions.
Elegant proof: Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.
Similarly: At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.
Two line proof: I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em.
Briefly: I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster.
Proceed formally: Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning.
Proof omitted: trust me, It's true.
Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components.
What keeps a square from moving? Square roots, of course.
The law of the excluded middle either rules or does not rule.
In the topological hell the beer is packed in Klein's bottles.
To a mathematician, real life is a special case.
I heard that parallel lines actually do meet, but they are very
discrete.
In modern mathematics, algebra has become so important that numbers will
soon only have symbolic meaning.
Some say the pope is the greatest cardinal.
But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor.
But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor.
Combinatorists do it as many
ways as they can.
Combinatorists do it discretely.
(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].
Logicians do it by symbolic manipulation.
Algebraists do it in groups.
Algebraists do it in a ring.
Algebraists do it in a field.
Analysts do it continuously.
Real analysts do it almost everywhere.
Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
Topologists do it openly.
Topologists do it on rubber sheets.
Dynamicists do it chaotically.
Mathematicians do it forever if they can do one and can do one more.
Cantor did it diagonally.
Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in.
Galois did it the night before.
Möbius always does it on the same side.
Markov does it in chains.
Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.
Turing did it but couldn't decide if he'd finished.
Combinatorists do it discretely.
(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].
Logicians do it by symbolic manipulation.
Algebraists do it in groups.
Algebraists do it in a ring.
Algebraists do it in a field.
Analysts do it continuously.
Real analysts do it almost everywhere.
Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
Topologists do it openly.
Topologists do it on rubber sheets.
Dynamicists do it chaotically.
Mathematicians do it forever if they can do one and can do one more.
Cantor did it diagonally.
Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in.
Galois did it the night before.
Möbius always does it on the same side.
Markov does it in chains.
Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.
Turing did it but couldn't decide if he'd finished.
You Might Be a Mathematician if...
- you are fascinated by the equation .
- you know by heart the first fifty digits of .
- you have tried to prove Fermat's Last Theorem.
- you know ten ways to prove Pythagoras' Theorem.
- your telephone number is the sum of two prime numbers.
- you have calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
- you are sure that differential equations are a very useful tool.
- you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
- when you say to a car dealer "I'll take the red car or the blue one" you must add "but not both of them."
- None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
- None. The answer is intuitively obvious.
- One. He gives it to four programmers, thereby simplifying the problem to a previous question
How many numerical analysts does it take to change a
light bulb?
- 3.9967 (after six iterations).
How many mathematical logicians does it take to change
a light bulb?
- None. They can't do it, but they can easily prove that it can be done.
How many classical geometers does it take to change a
light bulb?
- None. You can't do it with a straight edge and a compass.
How many analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
- Three. One to prove existence, one to prove uniqueness and one to derive a nonconstructive algorithm to do it.
How many number theorists does it take to change a
light bulb?
- I don't know the exact number, but I am sure it must be some rather elegant prime.
So what did the standard deviation say to the data set?
You're mean
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.
How do pirates calculate statistics?
They use R.
He worked it out with a pencil.
It got kicked on its rhombus
mathematicians are so conservative that the only radical thing they'll
do it a sqare root.
Merchants Jokes
A
merchant teaches his son the secrets of the trade: "When you charge a
customer $100, and he pays you by mistake $200, you have an ethical dilemma --
should you tell your partner?"
A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any turkey?" The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 4 1/2 pounds.
"Ah, haven't you anything
bigger?" the woman inquires. The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge,
takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his
thumb on the turkey. The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds.
"Marvelous!"
says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."
There were two grocers, Smith
and Jones, in the same street. Smith had a sign in his window, "Avocados,
20 pence a pound". A woman goes in and asks for some. "Sorry
love", said Smith, "I haven't got any in just now; come back on
Wednesday".
So she goes on up the street
to Jones. But his avocados are 2 pounds-fifty a pound! But at least he has them
in stock.
"That's a bit steep isn't it? Smith's are only 20 pence a pound".
"Yeah", says Jones, "and when I haven't got any in stock, mine also are only 20 pence a pound!"
"That's a bit steep isn't it? Smith's are only 20 pence a pound".
"Yeah", says Jones, "and when I haven't got any in stock, mine also are only 20 pence a pound!"
Shopkeeper Smith was alarmed when a new business, much like his own, opened in the storefront to the left of him. A huge sign was installed, reading BEST DEALS.
Mr. Smith was troubled a second time when another competitor leased the building on his right, and erected a much larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
At this point Smith was really depressed, however, he came up with an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop...it read MAIN ENTRANCE.
A merchant sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor, noting that
the previous bill hadn't been paid, told the collections manager to check it.
The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship
your new order until you pay for the last one."
The
next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please
cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
How merchants do it...
Merchants do it to customers.
Merchants do it in gift wraps.
Merchants do it in gift wraps.
A guy goes into a
store but the prices are too high as he is about to leave the merchant
questions him as to why he is leaving. "The prices are too high"
"Well" the merchant says, "you should come back next week we are
having a fire sale". The patron says, "What do you mean you are have
a fire sale next week?" The merchant says, "Shhh"
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