Musicians Jokes
A researcher
arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis.
Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for
researching the mating behaviour of the giant rat of Sumatra.
Around dusk of the
first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he
hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like
the sound of those drums."
The dusk turns
evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the
sound of those drums."
Evening turns to
dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the
drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those
drums."
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out,
"Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"
An anthropologist
decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew
there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site
where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river
they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was
disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?"
The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."
The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."
Then, after some
hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist like a ton of
bricks, and he yelled at the guide: "The Drums have stopped, what happens
now?"
The guide crouched
down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass Solo".
How can you tell
that there's a vocalist at your front door?
She forgot the key and doesn't know when to come in.
She forgot the key and doesn't know when to come in.
How can you tell
that there's an accordionist at your front door?
He doesn't stop knocking even after you answer.
He doesn't stop knocking even after you answer.
How do you know
when a trombone player is at your front door?
The doorbell drags.
The doorbell drags.
How do you know when there's a banjo player at your door?
His hat says "Domino's".
His hat says "Domino's".
The composer Robert Schumann wrote at the beginning of one of his compositions: "To be played as fast as possible." A few measures later he wrote: "Faster."
A couple was having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counselor. After meeting with them, the counselor told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication. "You two need to talk," he said. "So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it's time for the bass player to solo. Then you'll be talking just like everyone else."
A man and his son were walking through a cemetery. The boy asked, "Daddy, do they bury two people in the same grave?"
The father said, "Two people? Let me look."
So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a symphony conductor and a humble man."
A guy playing trombone in the opera had a fantastic gig on the day he had to play in the opera. He tried to find a replacement but without success. Finally he went to his housekeeper and convinced him to do the replacement. "I give you my other trombone. You just look what is the guy next to you doing and it would be OK".
Next morning he
asked the housekeeper how it was.
What do you call a accordionist with a beeper?
An optimist.
An optimist.
What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
One of them eventually matures and earns money.
We know a guy who was so dumb his teacher gave him two sticks and he became a drummer, but lost one and became a conductor.
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye was admitted to Oxford University, and was now living in his first year of residence there. His clan was very excited that one of their own had made it into the upper class of education, but were concerned how he'd do in "that strange land." After the first month, his mother came to visit, with reinforcements of whiskey and oatmeal.
"And how do
you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Oh,
Mother," he replied, shaking his head sadly, "they're such terrible,
noisy people: The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and
won't stop; and the one on the other side screams and screams and screams away
into the night."
"But Donald!
How do you manage with those dreadful noisy English neighbours?"
"Well, mother, I just ignore 'em. I just stay here quietly, playing
my bagpipes..."
"Why do you
close your eyes while playing the piano?"
"I can't see the agony of the audience."
"I can't see the agony of the audience."
The doorbell rang and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch. "Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know you didn't, but your neighbours did."
What does a guitar player do when he locks his keys in the car?
He breaks the window to get the bass player out.
"Mother, I
want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician."
"Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both."
"Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both."
1. All 12 violins played the same notes. This
is unnecessary duplication. Their number should be cut.
2. For a considerable period oboe players had
nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and their work spread evenly
among other staff.
3. No useful purpose is served by repeating
with horns the passage that was already handled by the strings. If such
redundancies were eliminated, the concert could be cut 20 minutes.
4. The symphony has two movements. Mr.
Schubert should have been able to achieve his musical goals in one.
Conclusion: If Mr. Schubert had paid attention to these matters, he
would have had time to finish the symphony.
A viola player was returning from a gig, and, feeling tired, decided to stop at a roadside cafe for a rest and a cup of coffee. Halfway through the cup he remembered he'd left his viola on the passenger's seat of the car. He rushed outside... but it was too late... someone had broken the window and put two more violas on the rear seat!
Don Sergio, who sent me this joke, says
that it sounds great in french, so here it is:
Comment fait un altiste pour ne pas avoir l'air riducule?
Il met son alto dans un étui à violon!
Il met son alto dans un étui à violon!
What's the definition of a string quartet?
One good violinist, one bad violinist, one really bad violinist who became a violist, and one cellist who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.
One can't judge Wagner's opera Lohengrin after a first hearing, and I certainly don't intend hearing it a second time.
A story is told that Richard Wagner was walking on a street in Berlin one day and came across an organ-grinder who was grinding out the overture to Tannhäuser. Wagner stopped and said, "As a matter of fact, you are playing it too fast."
The organ-grinder at once recognized Wagner, tipped his hat, and said, "Oh thank you, Herr Wagner! Thank you, Herr Wagner!"
The next day Wagner returned to the same spot and found the organ-grinder grinding out the overture at the correct tempo. Behind him was a big sign: "PUPIL OF RICHARD WAGNER."
How musicians do it...
Musicians do it
with rhythm.
Musicians do it in quartets.
Musicians do it in rhythmically.
Musicians do it on a higher scale.
Musicians do it in the practice room.
Musicians do it according to the conductor's instructions.
Drummers do it faster and faster.
Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate.
Jazz musicians do it with improvisations.
Band members do it in front of 10,000 people.
Musicians do it in quartets.
Musicians do it in rhythmically.
Musicians do it on a higher scale.
Musicians do it in the practice room.
Musicians do it according to the conductor's instructions.
Drummers do it faster and faster.
Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate.
Jazz musicians do it with improvisations.
Band members do it in front of 10,000 people.
You Might Be a
Musician if...
- your heros are Palestrina and Mussorgsky.
- you can sing all of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.
- you begin conducting with a piece of uncooked spaghetti.
- you can describe two differences between opera and oratorio.
- you can play more instruments than the average person can name.
This guy plays the
cello but not very well and doesn't have much money. One day he gets a flyer
that advertises cheap cruises down the river. 'Come to the old warehouse by the
river at midnight and
bring your cello,' the instructions say. So there he is at the warehouse with
his cello at midnight and a bunch of guys jump him, hit him on the head, take
all his money, tie him to his cello and throw him in the river. As he's
floating down the river he sees another guy tied to his cello on the other
side. "Hey, do they serve food on these cruises?" he asks. "I
don't think so," the other guy says. "they didn't last year."
Stockbrokers Jokes
"I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or
a bear?"
"Neither, just a plain simple ass."
"Neither, just a plain simple ass."
The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.
Eight years old
Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!" To which
Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker,
not a fisherman."
"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone
he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."
Two women were
walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help
me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been
transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my
former state!"
One woman took out
her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other
woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn
into a stockbroker!"
The second woman
replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a
stockbroker!"
A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.
"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely,
that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed:
"I told you, I knew the secret!"
"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"
"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.
A stockbroker says to his colleague, "I don't think this line of work is for you. You just keep losing money all the time."
"You're
right," he replied. "My whole life all I've done is lose money".
Next day he comes
to work and resigns.
His coworker asks,
"What are you going to do for living?"
"I finally
figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time."
"How?"
"I am going to build a web page and take it public."
A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away."
The stockbroker
tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term
outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
The man says,
"Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and
I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go
on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My
wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great
crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to
original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her
parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all
our money under the mattress."
"Wow, I
didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down,
in case she asks for it."
"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is
being delivered in two days."
A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"
The guru replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd
better cut it into eight pieces."
A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.
A young stockbroker decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands.
The next day the
local newspaper reported the story with the headline, "Valiant student
saves boy from ferocious dog".
The stockbroker
called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that
the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street broker and not
a student.
The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read,
"Pompous stockbroker kills school mascot".
Doctor Jokes
"Doctor,
please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."
"Doctor,
doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
"Doctor,
doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
A man speaks
frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are
only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
The surgeon told
his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're
going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves
inside you."
"Well, if
it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me
alone."
A doctor and his
wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Doctor: I have
some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
A man goes to his
doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find
out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the
examination.
"I'm afraid I
have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor
says.
"Oh no,
that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..."
says the doctor.
"10? 10 what?
Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10...9...8...7..."
Doctor: "I've
got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
A man walks into a
doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a
banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
A young woman went
to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
A
baseball manager who had an ulcer was in his physician office for a checkup.
"Remember," the doctor said, "don't get excited, don't get mad,
and forget about baseball when you're off the field." Then he added,
"By the way, how come you let the pitcher bat yesterday with the tying run
on second and two men out in the ninth?"
"Doctor, are
you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating
someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."
A man went to see
his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor
prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit
the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit
the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you
finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But
doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I
know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
A guy walks into
work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What
happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
A SHORT
HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
A pipe burst in a
doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools,
did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill
for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
A doctor said to
his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get
paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."
The seven-year old
girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
"The doctor
said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
A
fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he
had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
A few minutes
later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later
a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes
later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a
patient is getting better."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"
The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"
The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an
infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that
his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help
prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in
the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained
bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the
patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon
profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and
appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and
we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't
understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"
If it is dry - add
moist; if it is moisten - add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a
dermatologist.
Patient to the eye
doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating
pain."
"Try to
remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."
A man goes to the
eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains,
"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."
Patient: I always
see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
A
veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her
all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring,
etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to
ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by
looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded,
looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and
said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put
down."
A lady rushes into
the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake
him -- do something."
The vet lays the
dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm
sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead".
The lady can't
accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something
else."
The vet goes into
the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table
and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down
the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves.
"Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead."
The lady is very
upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I
owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $340."
The lady has a fit
and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for the
dog."
"Well",
the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT
SCAN!"
A man
needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available
is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep
heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a
checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies
"Not BAAAAD!"
What's the
difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
What is a
double-blind study?
Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.
Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.
A middle aged
woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating
table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time
up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8
days to live."
Upon recovery, the
woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a
tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of
it.
After her last
operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her
way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front
of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why
didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"
God replied,
"I didn't recognize you."
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he's not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk.
Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.
Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Damn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
What do you mean, he's not insured?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.
Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?
Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.
Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?
Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
At a medical
convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male
doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant,
she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one
thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get
hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands.
Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says
she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back
the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."
Three doctors are
in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at
it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck,"
shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird
flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages
of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking
sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is
long gone.
A third bird flies
over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the
bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a
duck."
You Might Be an E.R. Doctor if...
- your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
- discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
- you think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
- you get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
- you believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
- you say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers.
- you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy it is quiet around here."
- you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
- you have ever had a patient say, "But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?"
- you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there".
- your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"
You Might Be an E.R. Volunteer
if...
- your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front garden.
- you have delusions of being an emergency doctor.
- the EMS guys think your name is the Coffee Mate.
- you tell the doctors and nurses that you don't get paid anything to do this and they look at you like you'r some kind of a freak.
- your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
- the EMS guys refer to you as "the pain in the ass that got in my way when I was bringing in a code!"
- your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
- your favorite colors are green, white and red, even though you are not Italian.
- your favorite thing is to take orders from medical students.
- you have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable X-ray machine.
Doctor, You say
the levels of Dopamine in my brain determines if I am able to enjoy sex, have
sexual feeling etc. Why should I pay few thousands of dollars to do my blood
test to determine my dopamine level? Some months I have good sexual feelings.
Some months not. Can't I use that as a measure to determine my dopamine is at
normal levels or not?
A psychiatrist
gives me some pills and says, 'Take these and you'll feel much better.'
I reply 'But there's nothing wrong with me, it's the rest of the world!'
He says 'Yes, I know, but it's easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.'
I reply 'But there's nothing wrong with me, it's the rest of the world!'
He says 'Yes, I know, but it's easier for you to take the pills than the rest of the world.'
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