25 Quick, Funny Comebacks to "Why aren't you married yet?"

1. You haven't asked yet.

2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

3. What? And spoil my great sex life?

4. Nobody would believe me in white.

5. Because I just love hearing this question.

6. Just lucky, I guess.

7. It gives my mother something to live for.

8. My fiance is awaiting his/her parole.

9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?

11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.

13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.

14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.

16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.

17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.

18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

21. We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.

22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

23. Why aren't you thin?

24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

25. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

FUNNY RADIO SHOW GIG

You know how they do gigs on radio shows sometimes? Well, this is what happened on this particular radio show one day; it was live:

On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're married or in a serious relationship. If they are, then the person is asked three private, personal questions and the significant others name as well as their work number. If the significant other answers each question the same, then they are winners. This particular day it got real interesting and very funny:

DJ: "HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: "What is your name? First name only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Are you married or what Brian?"

Brian: "Yep."

DJ: "Yes? Does this mean you are 'married' or what, Brian?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes I'm married."

DJ: "Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what's your wife's name? First only please, Brian."

Brian: "Sara."0

DJ: "Is Sara at work Brian?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work right now?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes she is at work."0

DJ: "All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She's gonna kill me."

DJ: "BRIAN! Stay with me here man."

Brian: "About 8 this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Okay, Question #2: How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You must really want that trip huh? No one would ever have admitted that if it there weren't a trip at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, it would be really nice."

DJ: "Okay, final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I ummmmm..."

DJ: "Ooh this sounds good Brian; where was it?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time."

DJ: "Ooooooh, sneaky boy!"

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great? That's more adventurous than the last hundred times I've done it. Anyway, (speaking to the audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this." (Advertisements)

DJ: (Speaking to the audience) "Let's call Sara, shall we?" (Touch tones...*ringing*)

DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while anyway. He's also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, sooooo, do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sara: "No." DJ: "Good."

Brian: (laughing)

Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the Hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay?"

Sara: "Oh, Brian."

DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World."

Sara: "All right."

Brian: (laughing)

DJ: "All right, when did you have sex last, Sara?"

Sara: "Oh God, Brian...this morning before going to work."

DJ: "What time?" Sara: "About 8, I think." (sound effect) DING DING DING.

DJ: "Great! That's one. Now! How long did it last?"

Sara: "Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, maybe 14 minutes I think." DING DING DING.

DJ: "Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I guess she's trying not to harm his manhood."

DJ: "Last question: where did you do it?"

Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?!?"

Brian: "Just tell him honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"

Sara: "Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: "SHE SAW?!?!"

Sara: "BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?!"

Brian: "NO, no she didn't."

DJ: "Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. What's your answer?"

Sara: "Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on honey, it's for a trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?"

Sara: "In the ass." (long pause)

DJ: "We will be right back." (advertisements)

DJ: "I'm sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida. Congratulations guys!"

 SEXOLOGIST VISITS

 

A middle aged married man and a married woman were having an affair and wanted to get a room, but the hotels were asking for $200/per room even for a short time; so they ended up going to a Sexologist Doctor and said that they had a sexual issue and they wanted him to watch whilst they did it. After it was over Doctor said they were quite okay and presented a bill for $100, which the man quickly paid it. This went on for quite some time as they went to his clinic every week. Ultimately Doctor couldn't resist anymore and asked them why they were paying $100 to him every week when their was perfect and both of them had pleasure at the same time within 10-15 minutes.
The man responded, "Doc, the hotels here charge $200 whereas you only charge us $100 with a bill for your consultancy which is accepted by the insurance company who also reimburse us $85; so I'm only out of pocket $15 and both us have pleasure without any problems at all".
Doctor replied, "Okay please carry on as long as you wish, but stay out of trouble".

 

 PASS OR FAIL THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

 

 GREAT PRODUCT LETTERS

 

To the makers of Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative,

 

 WHY NOT TO TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.  Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.  Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.  Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.  Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares.  Get on it right away'.  This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 

 

 OLD HABITS DIE HARD

 

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

LOST IN LOWE'S

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe’s Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she’s 24 yrs old, tall, with long blonde hair, big blue eyes, long 

 ALMOST CAUGHT

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from

 FOR 5 POUNDS

Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.

'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty pounds!'

He'd yell back, 'Five pounds!'

One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.

As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been 

 MELT DOWN

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.


No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that wouldn't melt would marry her and inherit all of the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

OLDER WOMEN ARE SO REASONABLE

 

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "forty-four years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl".

"Now I have a $1,500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things".

My wife is a very reasonable woman, so she told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life