Farmers Jokes
There was a farmer
who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak
into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful
thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away
for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the
kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the
watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign
that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over
the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign
next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".
An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples."
"I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree".
"It's pretty good Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy but
best of all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning."
There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later,
another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered:
"Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp,
steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The
hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars
to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
First Cow:
"Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"
Second Cow: "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't
it?"
On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.
"Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?"
"Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"
A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?"
The farmer writes
back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are
buried."
But, because he is
in jail the entire farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his
deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato
field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one
single weapon.
The farmer then
writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the
potatoes."
Nurses Jokes
Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet."
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse
said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients,
even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to
heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse
says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment
and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but
overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to
heaven.
The third nurse
says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts
punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After
a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've
been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"
Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. From time to time the young nurse came in and said in a patronising tone, "And how are we doing this morning?"
Well, this is a
story of revenge. Harry had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the
tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The
juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.
The nurse came in, picked up the urine bottle and said, "It seems
we are a little cloudy today..." At this, Harry snatched the bottle out of
her hand, drank its contents, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again,
maybe I can filter it better this time."
What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?
If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it'll probably stop whining.
A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. "This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well."
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the
next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased,
not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick
his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.
Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?
It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!
1. Pays better than fast food, though the
hours aren't as good.
2. Fashionable shoes & sexy white
uniforms.
3. Needles: It's better to give than to
receive.
4. Reassure your patients that all bleeding
stops....eventually.
5. Expose yourself to rare, exotic, &
exciting new diseases.
6.
Interesting aromas.
7. Do enough charting to navigate around the
world.
8. Celebrate the holidays with all your
friends.....at work.
9. Take comfort that most of your patients
survive no matter what you do to them.
10.
Courteous
& infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible
handwriting.
How nurses do it...
Nurses do it
painless.
Nurses do it with TLC.
Nurses do it with care.
Nurses do it with intensive care.
Nurses do it with TLC.
Nurses do it with care.
Nurses do it with intensive care.
You Might Be a Nurse if...
- when using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
- your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
- men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion porn movies about nurses.
- everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
- you want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
- you can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
- you can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
you use a plastic
30cc medicine cup for a shotglass.
Planning to cash
her paycheck, a nurse walks into a bank. She reaches into her pocket to pull
out a pen to sign her check. Instead of a pen, she finds she has pulled out a
rectal thermometer from the pocket. She looks at the rectal thermometer in
complete shock. "Oh no!" she states in disbelief. "Some
asshole has my pen!"
Pharmacists Jokes
A man goes into a
drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech. Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"
A new drug for Yuppies: It doesn't give a false sense of security or relaxation -- it makes you enjoy being tense.
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer
said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the
fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."
"Oh, that's no
problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking
and stammering for an hour."
"Show
me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached
into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety
- ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of
aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer
said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be
womanizing all over the country."
"Excuse
me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a
womanizer!"
"Well how do
you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering
and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.
Next day, the agent
calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take
it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more
condoms.
The following day,
the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy
says, "OK," and goes back to the pharmacy and asks for three more
Dramamine and three more condoms.
Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come
you keep doing it?"
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well,"
he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I
want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having
dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm
gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so
you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and
leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the
prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and
says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He
leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a
pharmacist."
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the
doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but
you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control
pills?"
The woman
responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought
some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you
to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and
I sleep better at night."
A pharmacist looks out the front of the store and sees a woman holding a bottle jumping up and down in the parking lot. The pharmacist walks out to the parking lot and asks the woman whats the matter. She replies " I saw it said 'Shake Well' after I took it".
Customer gets a topical cream. Direction: apply locally two times a day.
Customer says to the pharmacist: "I can't apply locally, I'm going overseas."
A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours," the pharmacist says. "Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off".
A funeral procession is going up a steep hill on main street when the door of the hearst flys open and the coffin falls out then speeds down main street into a pharmacy and crashes into the counter. The lids pops open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin ?"
A front end clerk in a pharmacy has just been admonished by the owner for missing too many sales. "I'm sorry" the boss says "But one more missed sale and your fired"
The next customer
that comes in has a terrible cough and asks the problem clerk for help. Unable
to recall where the cough remedies are, the nervous clerk points to a box of
Ex-Lax and says "Here, buy this then go over to our cooler and take all of
it with plenty of water".
The customer thanks
him and obliges. Finishing his last glass of water, the customer exits the
pharmacy. Once outside he stops, takes a few faltering steps, then hugs a
telephone pole. The boss, having witnessed the entire scene, approaches the
clerk and asks him what he recommended.
"Ex-Lax," says the clerk hesitantly.
"Ex-Lax !" yells the boss. "That won't help a cough!"
"Sure it does," says the clerk. "Look,.. he's afraid to cough."
"Ex-Lax !" yells the boss. "That won't help a cough!"
"Sure it does," says the clerk. "Look,.. he's afraid to cough."
Lady says to pharmacist: "Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?"
Pharmacist replies: "Cause that's all we've documented so far."
A woman and her husband approach their pharmacist and begin to ask questions like if the pharmacy checks for medications past their expiration date and the reliability of a certain company that makes birth control pills. Finally the pharmacist asks the couple what's the matter. The wife explains, "In spite of using birth control pills I continue to get pregnant."
The pharmacist is astounded and asks the woman if she takes them every
day.
The woman replies, "My husband takes them every day."
"What ?" the pharmacist croaks.
"Yep. After we read all those potential side-effects, my husband said ' Ah honey.. I don't what you taking that stuff.. it's too dangerous,.....let ME take them.' "
The woman replies, "My husband takes them every day."
"What ?" the pharmacist croaks.
"Yep. After we read all those potential side-effects, my husband said ' Ah honey.. I don't what you taking that stuff.. it's too dangerous,.....let ME take them.' "
How
pharmacists do it...
Pharmacists do it
with drugs.
Pharmacists do it by prescription.
Pharmacists do it with side effects.
Pharmacists do it over the counter.
Pharmacists do it with scruples.
Pharmacists do it with a grinding motion..
Pharmacists do it by prescription.
Pharmacists do it with side effects.
Pharmacists do it over the counter.
Pharmacists do it with scruples.
Pharmacists do it with a grinding motion..
Boy Pharmacist. :
What do you want this time, with coat or without coat ?
Gal Pharmacist: with coating, because I don't want to release granules earlier.
Boy Pharmacist: So, Shall I start molding?
Gal Pharmacist: No, No... first close the door and window and switch off, because this work is light sensitive.
Gal Pharmacist: with coating, because I don't want to release granules earlier.
Boy Pharmacist: So, Shall I start molding?
Gal Pharmacist: No, No... first close the door and window and switch off, because this work is light sensitive.
Philosophers Jokes
Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you
guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why
couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils,
paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department.
All they need are pencils and paper."
The Second Law of
Philosophy: They're
both wrong.
Descartes is sitting in a bar, having a drink. The bartender asks him if he would like another. "I think not," he says and vanishes in a puff of logic.
The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up
his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they
stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He
remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl:
"Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the
silence returns.
After a few more
uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to
the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again,
the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and
asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like
potato pancakes?"
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
Theology is a game whose object is to bring rules into the subjective.
A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.
Then one day the
driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles
for the evening's lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the driver
handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the
guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the
universe still valid in an existentialist world?"
"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So
simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what
he will do."
Q: Is this a question?
A: If this is an answer!
A: If this is an answer!
A philosopher went into a closet for ten years to contemplate the question, What is life? When he came out, he went into the street and met an old colleague, who asked him where in heaven's name he had been all those years.
"In a closet," he replied. "I wanted to know what life really is."
"And have you found an answer?"
"Yes," he replied. "I think it can best be expressed by saying that life is like a bridge."
"That's all well and good," replied the colleague, "but can you be a little more explicit? Can you tell me how life is like a bridge?"
"Oh," replied the philosopher after some thought, "maybe you're right; perhaps life is not like a bridge."
Two freshman philosophy students see the following bulletin posted on the wall of their lecture hall:
Crash Course in
Logical Assumptions
Saturday, September 26, 1998, All Day
Saturday, September 26, 1998, All Day
Neither of them
knows what it means and they are both curious. The pair decide to find the
professor and ask some questions. When they locate the professor's office, the
bolder of the two enter the building while the other remains outside.
Student:
"Uh...Sir..What does Crash Course in Logical Assumptions mean?"
Professor: "Well, it involves taking information that you have, forming assumptions using logic, and then creating new information. Let me try to answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
Student: "Uh...Yes, I do."
Professor: "Well, it involves taking information that you have, forming assumptions using logic, and then creating new information. Let me try to answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
Student: "Uh...Yes, I do."
Professor:
"Well, then I can now logically assume that you drive."
Student: "Yes, I drive. "
Student: "Yes, I drive. "
Professor:
"Then I can logically assume that you drive on weekends."
Student: "Yeah, I drive on weekends, I go out on dates."
Student: "Yeah, I drive on weekends, I go out on dates."
Professor:
"Then I can logically assume that you have date partners."
Student: "Well, yes, I have a girlfriend."
Student: "Well, yes, I have a girlfriend."
Professor:
"Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."
Student: "Uh...hell yes! OK, I think I understand what this course is about now. Thanks a lot for your time."
Student: "Uh...hell yes! OK, I think I understand what this course is about now. Thanks a lot for your time."
Once back outside, his friend asks him: "So, what's it all
about?"
"Its about using information and stuff...Let me answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
"No."
"Uh...Then you're homosexual, dude!"
"Its about using information and stuff...Let me answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"
"No."
"Uh...Then you're homosexual, dude!"
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as to seem not worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it.
If metaphysics is being qua being;
and if epistomology is knowing qua knowing;
then metaphilosophy must be... qua qua qua.
Graduate student lends his advisor a book on tensed logic by Arthur N. Prior. Advisor reads it, then tells his student that he dropped it off in the student's mail box. Moments later the student returns, and breathlessly exclaims: "Professor, professor. Someone's stolen my Prior."
To which the professor sagely replies: "You're lucky around this
department they haven't stolen your posterior."
A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are
writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving
that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds
writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and
the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazement
of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade
in the class.
His answer to the question: "What chair?"
What happened to the existentialist who had a flat tire in the middle of a very busy street?
He just sat in his car holding his head and repeating. "The spare, I only reach the spare."
Monism is the
theory that anything less than everything is nothing.
How philosophers do it...
Philosophers do it
deeper.
Philosophers do it a posteriori.
Philosophers do it consistently.
Philosophers do it conceptually.
Philosophers do it for pure reasons.
Philosophers do it with their minds.
Philosophers think about doing it.
Philosophers wonder why they did it.
Philosophers do it a posteriori.
Philosophers do it consistently.
Philosophers do it conceptually.
Philosophers do it for pure reasons.
Philosophers do it with their minds.
Philosophers think about doing it.
Philosophers wonder why they did it.
The philosopher George Berkeley who believed that ALL OF REALITY IS JUST IN THE MIND was so fortunate enough that there was yet no railway system during his time, because, had he been born during the time of the railway system, I could have asked him to stand at the middle of a railroad while an approaching train is yet five minutes away and ask him to convince himself that the coming train was JUST IN THE MIND.
Spinoza, the pantheist, said that all is god and god is all. There is nothing in this world that is not god. So when one gets inside the toilet to pooh, even the pooh is god.
Question: So if the pooh is god, then we should worship it because gods are supposed to be worshiped?
Answer: No way! Why worship a fellow god?!!
Atheistic
Philosophers: They lecture for hours and hours . . . semester after semester .
. . school year after school year . . . and even publish full-length volumes
just to tell the world that there is no God.
True Atheists: They
just don't talk about God because doing so is as futile as spending time
discussing the properties of a "SQUARE CIRCLE" or a "ROUND SQUARE."
Nietzsche: GOD IS DEAD.
God: NIETZSCHE IS DEAD.
Nietzsche (in the afterlife): WELL, AT LEAST I CONTINUE TO LIVE IN THE MINDS OF EXISTENTIALISTS AND POST-MODERNISTS!
God (elsewhere): WELL, AT LEAST I CONTINUE TO EXIST IN THE MINDS OF FUNDAMENTALISTS AND RELIGIOUS FANATICS!
Nietzsche: AT LEAST, THERE IS ONE COMMON THING IN US . . . FANATICS BELIEVE US!
God: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
Nietzsche: DON'T YOU KNOW THAT EXISTENTIALISTS AND POST-MODERNISTS HAVE ALSO GONE FANATICAL?
God: WELL, BEING OMNISCIENT, I KNOW EVERYTHING EXCEPT THOSE SAID BY POST-MODERNISTS COZ EVERY TIME I EXPRESS MY OWN UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT THEY SAY, THEY KEEP ON CHANGING WHAT THEY MEAN . . . BY THE HOUR . . . BY THE MINUTE . . .
Nietzsche: HA-HA-HA!! THEY LEARNED IT FROM ME!! AND THEY WILL SOON BE LINING UP FOR THE MENTAL ASYLUMS . . . LIKE ME.
Ruel Pepa
Q: Max Planck and
Zeno of Elea get into a huge bar fight over a slight
disagreement. Who won?
A: Planck, but not by much.
Physicists Jokes
Seen on the door to a light-wave lab:
"CAUTION! Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."
An
engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the
greatest invention of all times.
The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.
The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.
The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes -- so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes -- so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"
A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"
"I'm positive." replied the atom.
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
A physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. He fainted, but came to after a while and started smiling. The onlookers were worried, so they asked him why the smile. "I just realized how lucky I am because the kinetic energy is only half m v squared."
Physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out an empirical equation that seems to explain his data. He asks the math professor to look at it.
A week later, the
math professor says the equation is invalid. By then, the physics professor has
used his equation to predict the results of further experiments, and he is
getting excellent results, so he asks the math professor to look again.
Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The math professor tells
the physics professor the equation does work, "But only in the trivial
case where the numbers are real and positive."
A young physicist, upon learning that he was denied tenure after six productive years at a University in San Francisco, requested a meeting with the Provost for an explanation, and a possible appeal.
At the meeting, the
Provost told the young physicist, "I'm sorry to tell you that the needs of
the University have shifted somewhat, during the past six-years leading up to
your tenure decision. In point of fact, what we now require is a female,
condensed-matter experimentalist. Unfortunately, you are a male, high-energy
theorist!"
Dejected but not defeated, the young physicist thought for a moment
about the implications of the Provost's words. "Sir," he said,
"I would be willing to convert in two of the three categories you mention,
but ... I'll never agree to become an
experimentalist!"
A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it.
An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it.
Albert Einstein
The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. "Hmmm," says the theorist, "That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason." A long logical explanation follows. In the middle of it, the experimentalist says "Wait a minute", studies the chart for a second, and says, "Oops, this is upside down." He fixes it. "Hmmm," says the theorist, "you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...".
A mathematician, an engineer and a physicist sat around a table discussing how to measure the volume of a cow.
The mathematician
suggested the use of geometry and symmetry relationships of the cow, but his
idea was rejected on the grounds of being too time consuming.
The engineer suggested
placing the cow in a pool of water and measuring the change in the height of
the water, but his idea was rejected on the grounds of impracticality.
"It's easy," said the physicist. "We'll make an
assumption that the cow is a small sphere, calculate the volume and then blow
it up to the actual size."
A farmer has problems with his chickens: all of the sudden, they are all getting very sick. After trying all conventional means, he calls a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. The physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, "I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum."
The renowned cosmogonist Professor Bignumska, lecturing on the future of
the universe, had just stated that in about a billion years, according to her
calculations, the earth would fall into the sun in a fiery death. In the back
of the auditorium a tremulous voice piped up: "Excuse me, Professor, but
h-h-how long did you say it would be?"
Professor Bignumska calmly replied, "About a billion years."
A sigh of relief was heard. "Whew! for a minute there, I thought you said million years."
Professor Bignumska calmly replied, "About a billion years."
A sigh of relief was heard. "Whew! for a minute there, I thought you said million years."
Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Do you know how fast you were going back there? Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
How do you know that the driver driving toward you is a physicist?
He has a red sticker on his bumper, saying: "If this sticker is blue, you are driving too fast."
What's the difference between an auto mechanic and a quantum mechanic?
The quantum mechanic can get the car inside the garage without opening the door.
A rocket explorer named Wright
Once traveled much faster than light.
He sat out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
The Pan Book of Limericks
Relativity: Family get-togethers at Christmas.
Gravity: Strength of a glass of beer.
Time travel: Throwing the alarm clock at the wall.
Black holes: What you get in black socks.
Critical mass: A gaggle of film reviewers.
Hyperspace: Where you park at the superstore.
Gravity: Strength of a glass of beer.
Time travel: Throwing the alarm clock at the wall.
Black holes: What you get in black socks.
Critical mass: A gaggle of film reviewers.
Hyperspace: Where you park at the superstore.
Useful Metric Conversions for the mathematically challenged
1 trillion microphones = 1 megaphone
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox
Archimedes, you are late again. Don't tell me that you were locked again
in the bathroom.
Copernicus, when will you understand that you are not the center of the world?
Galileo, if you will drop stones from the top of the tower one more time, you will be dismissed forever.
Kepler, till when will you stare at the sky?
Newton, will you please stop idling away under the apple tree?
Volta, I can see you have a lot of potential.
Ohm, must you resist Ampère's opinions on current events?
Nikola Tesla, I see that everyone is attracted to your magnetic personality.
Einstein, a crocodile is greener or is it wider?
Schrödinger, stop abusing cats!
Heisenberg, when will you be sure of yourself?
Copernicus, when will you understand that you are not the center of the world?
Galileo, if you will drop stones from the top of the tower one more time, you will be dismissed forever.
Kepler, till when will you stare at the sky?
Newton, will you please stop idling away under the apple tree?
Volta, I can see you have a lot of potential.
Ohm, must you resist Ampère's opinions on current events?
Nikola Tesla, I see that everyone is attracted to your magnetic personality.
Einstein, a crocodile is greener or is it wider?
Schrödinger, stop abusing cats!
Heisenberg, when will you be sure of yourself?
Volta was
electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Ampère was worried he wasn't up on current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Hertz promised that in the future he will attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Born thought the probability of enjoying himself is pretty high.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Heisenberg was uncertain whether he could make it.
Schrödinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
Ampère was worried he wasn't up on current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Hertz promised that in the future he will attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Born thought the probability of enjoying himself is pretty high.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Heisenberg was uncertain whether he could make it.
Schrödinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
1. Measure the height of the barometer. Scale
the side of the building, measuring its height in barometer-units.
2. Drop the barometer from the top of the
building. Measure the time until it hits the street. Correcting for the
mass/surface ratio of the instrument, use basic acceleration equation to find
the height.
3. Tie string to top of barometer. Lower from
roof to almost ground. Swing. Period of pendulum can be used to find distance
from barometer's Center of Gravity to top of building.
4. Tie a long cable to the barometer and lower
it from the top of the building to the ground, and then measure the length of
the cable.
5. Take the barometer outside on a sunny day,
measure its shadow and the buildings shadow.
6.
Drop the
barometer from the top of the building. Measure how far was it shifted by
Corriolis force. The rest is trivial.
7. Sell the barometer. Purchase a tape measure
long enough to measure the height of the building.
8. Find someone who knows how tall the
building is, and trade him the barometer for the information.
Aristotle: It is
the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Issac Newton:
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken
depends on your frame of reference.
Werner Heisenberg:
We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving
very fast.
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.
Gravity was
discovered by Sir Isaac Newton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when
the apples are falling off the trees.
You can listen to
thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't
hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
When people run
around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say
they are orbiting.
The tides are a
fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because
there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
he moon is more
useful than the sun, because the moon shines at night when you want the light,
whereas the sun shines during the day when you don't need it.
To remove air from
a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick
before the air can get back in.
Isn't it
meaningless to speak of a 45 degrees angle unless you specify Fahrenheit or
Celcius?
An object at rest
will always be in the wrong place.
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
For every action,
there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Doppler effect is the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you
come at them rapidly.
How physicists do it...
Physicists do it a
quantum at a time.
Physicists do it at the speed of light.
Cosmologists do it in the first three minutes.
Mathematical physicists understand the theory of how to do it, but have difficulty obtaining practical results.
Quantum physicists can either know how fast they do it, or where they do it, but not both.
Particle physicists do it energetically.
Particle physicists to it with charm.
Aerodynamicists do it in drag.
Astrophysicists do it with a Big Bang.
Astronomers do it all night.
Astronomers do it in clusters.
Astronomers do it on mountain tops.
Astronomers do it with white dwarfs and red giants.
Physicists do it at the speed of light.
Cosmologists do it in the first three minutes.
Mathematical physicists understand the theory of how to do it, but have difficulty obtaining practical results.
Quantum physicists can either know how fast they do it, or where they do it, but not both.
Particle physicists do it energetically.
Particle physicists to it with charm.
Aerodynamicists do it in drag.
Astrophysicists do it with a Big Bang.
Astronomers do it all night.
Astronomers do it in clusters.
Astronomers do it on mountain tops.
Astronomers do it with white dwarfs and red giants.
- the water in your kettle is boiling at 373 Kelvin.
- you know that the speed of light is 299,792.5 km/sec.
- you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
- you've already calculated how much you earn per second.
- you are sure that differential equations are a very useful tool.
- you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
- you know the size of the elactron, but don't know your own shirt size.
- when you break a vase you blame the second law of thermodynamics.
- you try to explain entropy to strangers at your table during casual dinner conversation.
- you avoid stirring your coffee because you don't want to increase the entropy of the universe.
- your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
- you're at a wine tasting event and find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the Chardonnay.
you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of an
experiment that actually takes five minutes to run.
It didn't have
enough Mu.
Two
physicists are are in Victoria's Secret when an extremely attractive sales girl approaches them and asks,
"Can I help you?".
One physicist looks
at the other and says, "No thanks. We're just collapsing wave
functions."
It's strange that Isaac Newton never got married, after all he was the one who discovered that bodies attract each other!
The physics
professor was giving a boring lecture and was filling the blackboard with
equitations. When the blackboard was full he said: "We now see there is
one proton lost. Where is that proton?"
Nobody answered, so
he repeated in a loud voice: "Where is that missing proton?"
From the back of
the room came a sleepy voice: "Nobody leaves the room!"
A well known
physicist (I will not give out his name) worked at CERN in Geneva, Swiss.
One day his wife
said: "You spend most of your time at work, I want you to take a day off
so we can go downtown and do some shopping."
Well, they went
downtown, and his wife asked him to wait for about an hour while she went to
the hairdresser. He was sitting at a sidewalk café having a cup of coffee, when
a car stopped right there with a flat tire. A young, very attractive woman got
out to look at it. Of course our physicist offered his help, and he jacked up
the car and changed the wheel. After it was fixed, the young woman thanked him
and said: "I live close to here, come up to my apartment and wash your
hands."
He went with her,
and of course one thing led to another. After a couple of hours he realized how
late it was. "God, my wife must be waiting for me. Have you got some flour
in the kitchen?"
He dusted a little
flour on his sleeves and went to meet his wife. He explained exactly what had
happened, but she looked him straight in the eyes and said:
"You are a
damn liar, I can see you have been over at CERN and work on one of your
problems on the blackboard, I can see the chalk dust on your sleeves!"
Which shows that it
takes a nuclear physicist and not a psychologist to really understand women.
Werner Heisenberg, the renowned 1932 Nobel prize winning theoretical physicist, is caught speeding. The cop knocks on his windscreen; Heisenberg calmly rolls it down. "Do you realize how fast you were going?" Asks the traffic cop. The physicist replies: "No, but I know exactly where I am."
Which is the result
of 1+2+3+4+...?
The mathematician:
I cannot respond if you do not say to me what it follows after the dots..
The physicist: it
diverges!
Polchinski=-1/12
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