Classified Ad Bloopers!

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

Free Yorkshire Terrior.
8 years-old. Hateful little dog.
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Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel
1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog
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Free Puppies:
Part German Shepherd
Part Stupid Dog
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German Shepherd - 85lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free!
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1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer
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Amana Washer $100.
Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
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Snow blower for sale.
Only used on snowy days.
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2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.
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Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,
Comes with its own
1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto
Excellent Condition, $6,800.
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83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000
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Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15
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Soft & Genital Bath Tissues
or Facial Tischue - $.89
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Full-Sized Mattress
20 Year Warranty
Like New! Slight urine smell.
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FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans
With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home
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Nordic Track $300
Hardly used. Call Chubbie.
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Bill's Septic Cleaning
"We Haul American Made Products"
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Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks
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HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever!
"If it's in stock, we have it!"
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Get a Little John:
The Traveling Urinal
Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.
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Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club
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Georgia Peaches
California Grown - $.89/lb.
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Nice Parachute
Never Opened - Used Once
Slightly Stained
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American Flag
60 Stars - Pole Included - $100
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Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?
We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.
Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.
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Exercise Equipment
Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175
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Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!
And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.
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Joining Nudist Colony!
Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300
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Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.
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Alzheimer's Center Prepares
for an Affair to Remember
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Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell
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Open House!
Body Shapers Toning Salon
Free Coffee & Donuts
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Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.
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Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2.09/lb.
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FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes - Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

The Top Six Reasons Computers are Female

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 

5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic. 

4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 

2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you". 

1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it!

Back In The Good Old Days

.

A computer was something on TV

from a science fiction show of note

a window was something you hated to clean...

And ram was the cousin of a goat....

Meg was the name of my girlfriend

and gig was a job for the nights

now they all mean different things

and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment

a program was a TV show

a cursor used profanity

a keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age

a cd was a bank account

and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy

you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage

not something you did to a file

and if you unzipped anything in public

you'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire

hard drive was a long trip on the road

a mouse pad was where a mouse lived

and a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife

paste you did with glue

a web was a spider's home

and a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

and the memory in my head

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash

but when it happens they wish they were dead