Funniest One Liners

·        Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

·        Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

·        Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

·        I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

·        I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

·        I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

·        I intend to live forever - so far, so good

·        I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

·        If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

·        If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

·        Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

·        Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

·        Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

·        Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

·        The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

·        When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

·        Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

·        Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

·        If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

·        24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

·        If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

·        Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

·        Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

·        Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

·        Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

·        What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

·        Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

·        Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

·        Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

·        Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

·        Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

·        Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

·        For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

·        Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

·        Black holes are where God divided by zero.

·        All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

·        I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

As i Seen On Bumpers

* "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

* "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

* "All generalizations are false."

* "As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools."

* "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

* "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"

* "Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep."

* "Montana -- At least our cows are sane!"

* "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

* "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

* "Friends don't let friends drive naked."

* "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

* "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

* "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

* "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

* "Forget about world peace. . . Visualize using your turn signal!"

* "Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

* "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

* "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

* "He who laughs last thinks slowest."

* "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

* "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

* "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

* "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

* "Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy."

* "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

* "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

* "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

* "Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."

* "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

* "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

* "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "

* "Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas - Taking the dog. --Dorothy."

* "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

* "I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?"