Star Signs

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you can be very annoying. 

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are kind of a wimp. 

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You can be a real meany. 

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like crazy. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are secretly a Communist. 

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 20)
You are quick and intelligent and a thinker. People like you because you like to test the waters before you dive in. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. You tend to withhold your emotions and your money.

CANCER (Jun 21 - Jul 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are spineless. You are an excellent procrastinator. That is why you will always need a better job and still won't have money in the bank. 

LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people tend to steal from others and kiss mirrors a lot. 

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while being romanced. Virgos make good professional closet organisers. 

LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Both Libra men and women make good interior designers and marry often. 

SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are plagued by lawsuits or jail sentences when the people they took advantage of vow revenge. 

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have little talent. The majority of Sagittarians enjoy escapism. People laugh at you a lot because you're always getting burned. 

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You may as well bury your head in the sand.

I know I post this one before, but I must post it again

Politics made simple

 

Do you have trouble understanding politics? If so, the following primer should clear it up for you. No bull.


FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The
government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

PERESTROIKA: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. 

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the
majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

NAZISM: The government shoots you and takes the cows.

NEW DEALISM: The government shoots one cow, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.

ANARCHISM: Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government.

CONSERVATISM: Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.

LIBERALISM: Give away one cow. Get the government to give you a new cow. Now give them both away.

Funny Signs

 

Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts 

Sign outside a radiator repair shop: Best Place in town to take a leak 

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day 

Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action

On Maternity Room Door: "Push,Push,Push" 

On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog. 

Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Scientist"s Door: Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff 

Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels 

Butcher's window; Let me meat your needs

Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition

Sign on Fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive"

Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment 

Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming. 

Hotel: "Help!" We need inn-experienced people 

Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you 

Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents? 

Dry Cleaners: Drop your pants here 

Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left. 

Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! 

Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin"

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." 

Beauty Shop: Dye now! 

Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got 

Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte"

Restaurant Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up. 

Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want. 

Music Library: Bach in a minuet