15 things to do on a bus

1. Pretend you are saving the seat next to you for your
invisible friend, and if anyone tries to sit on the seat,
scream, "Don't sit on Jake!"

2. When someone tries to get on the bus, tell them there is
another bus behind.

3. Say to someone you have never met before,"Oh my god! It's
been ages since I've seen you! How's John and Katy? It must have
been about 3 years"etc. See if they pretend to know you.

4. Shout, "FIRE!", and when everyone gets off the bus, you will
get a seat.

5. Throw popcorn at people, and when they look at you, whistle
and hum so it is obvious that you are pretending you didn't do
it.

6. Make a pass at the person sitting next to you.

7. Speak really loudly into your mobile, just saying, "yes. No.
Maybe. Pass. I dunno" etc.

8. Hold up the bus using your finger as a gun.

9. Use your bus pass as a FBI/Police card, and show it to
everyone.

10. tell the person next to you about how sick you get on buses
11. Keep shouting, "I need to go to the toilet!"

12. Offer your seat to someone, and when they try to take it,sit
down quickly and say,"MINE!"

13. Do the Full Monty, if you dare!

14. Say to someone, "I know what you did!",or "I know where you
live" etc. in an evil voice.

15. Put your walkman on really loudly and dance in a crazy way.

Funny quotes

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
-Steve Bluestone-

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and
anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-George Carlin-

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where
the hell she is.
-Ellen DeGeneres-

It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper
dryin' on the clothesline.
-George Lindsey-

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler-

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
-John Mendoza-

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us
from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
-Jeff Stilson-

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
-Jerry Seinfeld-

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother
is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
-Ellen DeGeneres-

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-Lily Tomlin-

Quotes

- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a
great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people
ask me if I'm leaving. 

- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came
back the entire area was missing. 

- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know where
sleep is." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of
tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and
just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep." 

- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because
that means it's going to be up all night.

- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

- Earlier today I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept
wandering.

- One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in
somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all
over the world. 

- My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't
find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they
were! 

- I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She
looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored
socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same
because I go by thickness."

- I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. You turn on
the record, put the headphones on and learn Spanish in your
sleep; during the night the record got stuck. The next day I
could only stutter in Spanish.

- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.

- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot. 

- I bought a dog the other day, he_s really smart!...I named him
Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here,
Stay!" Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around
in circles. 

- The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on
the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid
of widths. 

- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...go figure

- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came
up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?

- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.

- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were
cramming for their finals.

- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...
Toothpicks?

- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do_ write to these men? Why don't they
just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
could look for them while they delivered the mail?

- How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the OTHERS here for?

- Clones are people two.

- If a man says something in the woods and there are no women
there, is he still wrong?

- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?

- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

- I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd
be gone. I said, "The whole time."

- So what's the speed of dark?

- How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who
has been dissing them anyhow?

- After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before
getting OUT of the water?

- If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it
in?

- I just got skylights put in my apartment. The people who live
above me are furious.