Extremely important recommendations for wives, girlfriends, fiancées, mothers, sisters and daughters.

• From 8th June until 1st July 2012, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions.  The remote control will be fingerprinted each night, any sign of your fingerprints and all shopping trips will be cancelled for a month.
• If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, for an important reason such as preparing snacks or getting in the beers, I don't mind, as long as you crawl along the floor.
• During the football season, read the sports section of the newspaper so that you get the flavour of the football season
• During the games I will be blinkered to match.  You cannot expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, it wont happen.
• It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
• Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say ' get over it, its only a game', or 'don't worry, they'll win next time'. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called ' words of encouragement' will only lead to a break up or divorce.
• The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
• Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
  I will not go, I will not go, and I will not go. 
• However, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.  

• You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. The daily football season highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even say ' but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?
• And finally, please save your expressions such as: 'Thank God the football season is only every 4 years'.  I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League.

WHAT  THE WORLD WILL BE WITHOUT BLONDINES ?

Q. What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A. She’s trying to hold on to a thought.

Q. Why did the dumb blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A. So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q. What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A. Run like hell…she’s got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q. Why did the blonde cross the road?
A. She wanted to see the geese because she heard honking! 

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: Manages to get the Pop Tarts out the toaster in one piece.

Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
A: She goes home!

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and “The Titanic”?
A: They know how many men went down on “The Titanic”.

Q: Did you hear about the dumb blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theatre?
A: They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn’t get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: Because she loved children.

ALWAYS SOMETHING TO SMILE FOR…

• I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.  She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
• I went in to a pet shop.  I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
• I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.'
• I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, 'Analogue.' I said, 'No, just a watch.'
• I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said, 'Kenwood?' I said, 'Where is he then?'
• I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.  I thought: 'That's Aboriginal.'
• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.  'Best Before End'
• I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.  I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
• I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Elvis Presley.'
• I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.  He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
• I went to the doctor and I said to him, 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
• I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.  I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
• I was reading this book today, 'The History Of Glue.' I couldn't put it down.
• I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.  I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
• I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.  She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
• I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.  It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

BACK TO FUNNY SCHOOL

• Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
• My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
• Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
• Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
• Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs.
• Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
• Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
• Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
• Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

• Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
• Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but another man of that name.
• The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
• The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
• InIn midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
• Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
• Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.  Moses then went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
• Gravity was invented by Issaac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.
• Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

INTERESTING NAMES AND PROFESSIONS

• Bankers, Wallowa County, Oregon: Cheatham & Steele
• Chorister, Westminster Choir College, Princeton, New Jersey: Justin Tune
• Gynaecologist, New York Hospital, New York City: Dr Zoltan Ovary
• Chairman, Tetley Tea Company, London: Tetley Ironsides Tetley Jones
• Dentist, Roslyn Heights, New York: Dr. E. Z. Filler
• Phlebotomist, St Mary's Hospital, Portsmouth, UK: Lavinia Blood
• The national Director of Surgery at the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs in Washington, D.C.  Dr Blades
• Plumber Worcester UK: Mr Turner-Heaton
• Lloyds/TSB Bank Manager, Waterlooville, UK: Mr F. Knox
• Mr. Vice, Malefactor, New Orleans, Louisiana. Arrested 890 times and convicted 421, probably a record (International Herald Tribune)
• Interior decorator, Reading, UK: Derek Paynter
• Municipal Tax Collector, Brazil (Financial Times): Cardiac Arrest da Silva
• Funeral Director, Sydney, Australia: C. D' Eath and Sons
  [Will once knew a Mrs Pine-Coffin from Devon, UK but she was an owner of holiday cottages not an undertaker]
• Landscape Gardeners from Salisbury, UK called: Budd and Bush
• Silent Movie Organist, Rochester, New York: C. Sharp Minor
• Central City, Kentucky automobile salesman: Henry Ford Carr
• Never Fail is a builder in Tulsa, Oklahoma
• Mr Robbins is a renowned ornithologist (bird scientist and bird-bander) at a Federal wildlife research center in Maryland, USA. He is co-author of the guidebook "Birds of North America".
• This one does fit in at all with the others but we couldn't resist it: Charles Adolphe Faux-Pas Bidet, Commissaire de Police, Paris, France in the 1930's
• David Bird is an ornithologist.
• Scott Constable is, of course, a policemen.
• Helen Painter is an artist.
• Raymond Strike has to be a Trades Union leader.
• Shona Shears cuts people's hair.
• Steve Adore is a dock worker.
• Dr Joseph Babey is a paediatrician.
• Dr Djerk works as a psychiatrist.
• Bertha de Bleus is a jazz singer [sounds suspicious to me says Will].
• And yes, Dr D'Eath is a surgeon.

• Alan Ball, English footballer who played in England's 1966 World Cup winning team.
• Anna Smashnova, tennis player.
• Billy Drummond, American jazz drummer.
• Bob Flowerdew, gardener and Gardeners' Question Time panellist.
• Bob Rock, rock music producer, including Metallica and Bon Jovi.
• Brenda Song, singer.
• Cecil Fielder and his son Prince Fielder, baseball players.
• Jaime Gold winner of 2006 World Series of Poker
• Chuck Long, former NFL quarterback for the Detroit Lions and the Los Angeles Rams.
• Henry Head, an English neurologist.
• Igor Judge, Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales .
• Learned Hand, judge.
• Lord Brain, neurologist.
• Marc Rich, billionaire financier.
• Margaret Court, tennis player.
• Margaret Spellings, Education Secretary under George W. Bush.
• Peter Bowler, cricketer who was, in fact, primarily a batsman.
• Pippa Greenwood, plant pathologist and "Gardeners' Question Time" panellist in the UK.
• Scott Free a defence attorney.
• Thomas Crapper, manufacturer of Victorian toilets. Please note that the word "crap" predates Mr Crapper.] .
• Tiger Woods, golfer [A wood is a type of golf club].
• Usain Bolt, Jamaican sprinter, Olympic Gold medalist, 100m and 200m world record holder.
• William Wordsworth, poet.
• Larry Speakes - Ronald Regan's Whitehouse spokesman.
• Lord Judge - Chief justice in England.
• Chris Moneymaker - Poker player.
• Stephen Rowbotham - British Olympic oarsman.
• And last but not least Usain Bolt.

FUNNY FOOD

• Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible
• To make one kilo of honey bees have to visit 4 million flowers, travelling a distance equal to 4 times around the earth
• An ounce of chocolate contains about 20 mg of caffeine
  There are more than 10,000 varieties of tomatoes

• Each American eats approximately 22 pounds of tomatoes yearly. Over ½ of the tomato consumption is in the form of catsup and sauce
• Peanuts are used in the manufacture of dynamite
• A family of four could live for 10 years from the bread produced by one acre of wheat
• The world's oldest piece of chewing gum is approximately 9000 years old
• Half of the world's population live on a staple diet of rice
• Tea is said to have been discovered in 2737 BC by a Chinese emperor when some tea leaves accidentally blew into a pot of boiling water
• 1.5 billion cups of tea are enjoyed throughout the world every day
• In France, people eat approximately 500,000,000 snails per year
• Approximately one billion snails are served in restaurants annually
• Over 90% of all fish caught are caught in the northern hemisphere
• 75% of fish caught are eaten - the rest is used to make things such as glue, soap, margarine and fertilizer
• Over the last 40 years food production actually increased faster than population
• The average person eats almost 1500 lbs of food in a year
• Carrots have zero fat content
• Carrots were first cultivated in Afghanistan in the 7th century, and they started with yellow flesh and a purple exterior
• Chocolate is the number one foodstuff flavour in the world, beating both vanilla and banana
• Native Americans never actually ate turkey; killing such a timid bird was thought to indicate laziness
• The amount of pizza eaten each day in the USA measures between 75 -100 acres.
• Found on the seal of a bag of bagels: New and Improved - Made the old fashioned way

MY DIET ADVICE

• A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.
• Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.
• All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a fayre actually has a calorie deficit. 

• Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca, consumed for demonstration purposes, up to and including *biscuits baked and sent to college.
• Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten.
• Anything eaten in front of the TV has no calories. This may have something to do with radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the
• If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories. Several principles are at work here. First of all, you're probably standing up at a cocktail party (see "Food on Foot"). Then there's the electronic field: a wet glass in one hand forms a negative charge to reverse the polarity of the calories attracted to the other hand. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but it's reversible if you're left-handed.
• All cakes are horrendously fattening. However, the calories can be eliminated simply by inscribing "Happy Birthday, Bob" or "Good Luck, Pauline" in coloured icing. Not only is it unnecessary to decline, it's impolite.
• Sausages, cheese and the like are all fattening unless impaled on frilled toothpicks. The insertion of a sharp object allows the calories to leak out the bottom.
• If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.
• Anything somebody made 'just for you' must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be uncaring and insensitive.

Funny Resumes and One liners from Job Applications

1. 'I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.'
2. 'I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms.'

3. 'I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.'

4. 'Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.'

5. 'Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.'

6. 'Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.'

7. 'It's best for employers that I not work with people.'

8. 'Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.'

9. 'You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.'

10. 'Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details.'

11. 'I was working for my mom until she decided to move.'

12. 'Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.'

13. 'I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.'

14 'I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.'

15. 'I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. '

16. 'My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.'

17.'I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.'

18.'Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.'

19.'As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.'

20.'Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore.'

21.'Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as ' job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.'

22. Marital status: often. Children: various.'

23.'Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.'

24.'The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.'

26.'References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.'

10 Things to Know - Wisdom from the Famous

1.    Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves.
Rudyard Kipling
2.    Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
James M. Barrie
3.    Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything.
Floyd Dell
4.    It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.
William G. McAdoo
5.    That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another....
Charles M. Schulz
6.    We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are.
Anais Nin
7.    Talent hits a target no one else can hit;
Genius hits a target no one else can see.
Arthur Schopenhauer
8.    Some things have to be believed to be seen.
Ralph Hodgson
9.    Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows.
David T. Wolf
10.    The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
Oscar Wilde