Funny Shirts

Shirts must have too much room, look what people have written on them...

Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. 

Tomorrow is not looking good either.

I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE;

1) You believe in Santa Claus. 

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You become Santa Claus. 

4) You start to look like Santa Claus.

Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

The money is always greener in the other guys wallet.

If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?

Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.

She Who MUST be obeyed

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.

I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a pay check.

When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

My reality check bounced.

I love my cat. My cat does not care.

If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counselling.

My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.

Only in America, could a letter offering a million dollar prize be considered junk mail.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

What if the Hokey Pokey is really what its all about?

Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment.

Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?

And your cry baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

No one pays attention until you make a mistake.

Jesus loves you, but I think you’re a jerk.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

Stamp Out Crime. Abolish the IRS.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Fly paper for freaks?

I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.

If I save time, when do I get it back?

A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer.

Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.

I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Are you sure I’m (age)? I want a recount!

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Born free. Taxed to death.

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets.

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

Enjoy Life! Eat Out More Often.

I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.

The 11th commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Whine!

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Life is too short. Don't be a jerk.

Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Don’t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...?

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Women have PMS. Men have ESPN.

Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.

Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich.

Who do you want to talk to: 

1) the man is charge or 

2) the woman who really knows what’s going on?If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I’m living in the pits!
 
Barney sucks.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

If they don’t have chocolate in heaven, I’m not going.

If you scratch your rear, don’t bite your fingernails.

Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money.

If you live in a glass house, you should change clothes in basement.

Fart in church, and you’ll sit in own pew.

Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.

Its not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. Its the jerks.

I don’t know what I want, but I do know I don’t have it.

People who give back their ill-gotten gains are reformed crocks. 

People who keep most of the loot and only give back a little are philanthropists.

Once you’ve climbed the ladder of success, you’re over the hill.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.

Two wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do.

Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. 

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of the dog, its too dark to read.

I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

The screw up fairy has visited us again.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a care.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

And your cry baby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Can I trade my job for what's behind door #1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Chaos, panic and disorder - my work is done here.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay check.

When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain)

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.

Constant change is here to stay.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Don’t be old until you have lived!

Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today’s good stuff.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.

Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic!

Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.

Fast Food Fun

Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?

1. Ask for last months specials.

2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.

3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.

4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.

5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.

6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.

7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.

8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.

9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.

10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.

11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.

12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.

13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.

14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!

15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having

16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay.

17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.

18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.

19. As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.

20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank you
this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back."

21. Play name that tune with person taking the order.

22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.

23. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately.

24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.

25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order.

Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.

Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75 miles away.

Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the authorities.

Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for information.

Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right.

Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links between unrelated data. Works extremely slow while searching and compiling results.

Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear to really do much of anything.

Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.

Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.

David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.

Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.

X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

The office happenings

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

You Know You Are Indonesian If:

Your stomach growls when you don't eat rice for a day.
You believe kecap ABC could turn bad cooking to gourmet food.
You think our country is a democracy.
You talk during a movie.
You use a bucket instead of toilet paper in the bathroom.
You eat fried rice in the morning.
You prefer Versace or Moschino jeans over Gap or Levi's.
You don't think Jim Carrey is funny.
You think Onky Alexander is a hunk.
You think Rhoma Irama is kampungan.
You carry a 16 oz. jar of sambal to where ever you travel.
Driving a car that is cheaper than $15,000 embarrasses you.
You think dangdut is stupid, but listen to it anyways, because you are homesick.
You are willing to travel 25 miles to buy tahu and tempe.
You are "Dreaming of a WARM Christmas".
You are very good at avoiding potholes and other road hazards.
Your local McDonald's serves rice and sambal.
You think Supermi is a staple food.
You have ever tried passing a Rp 50 coin as a quarter in a US vending machine/pay phone.
You have ever successfully bribed a police officer.
You have ever successfully bribed a customs officer.
You have smuggled electronics and porn into Indonesia.
You do your shopping in Singapore.
Your drivers license claims you are 5 years older then you really are.
You have ever legally bought pirated software.
You have ever been forced to memorize UUD'45.
You have bought something from a barefooted street peddler.
You know exactly how many islands Indonesia has.
You have ever eaten something sold off a cart on wheels.
You realized that money is everything before you were six.
The first thing that comes to mind when hearing the word "Jakarta" is "macet".
Someone you know has ever ridden on top of a train.
Your daily commute includes thinking up new ways to ride the city bus for free.
You don't mind people being late.
You think standing in line is a waste of time.
You have tried every Monday of your youth trying to avoid upacara bendera.
You have used a mosquito repellant that looks like a coil and is lit on one end.
You use the terms "Ni yee", "-lah" and "Ih, jijay" on daily basis
You know what Pancasila is, what it means and know it by heart.
You complain that movies in America don't have sub-titles.
Your daily conversation may include enactments of TV commercials.
You have ever consulted a dukun.
Your whole class has ever cheated on a test, and gotten away with it.
You have ever spent the night before an exam looking for someone who sells the questions.
You like the smell of terasi.
You think the Thomas Cup is equal to the Super Bowl.
You can name a manufacturer of shuttlecocks/badminton birdies.
You have a 16' satellite dish hidden in your back yard.
You have ever ridden in a motor vehicle with three wheels.
You miss your maid during laundry day.
Your clothing has brand names printed on it that is visible from 50' away.
You attend weddings only until you are done eating.
You have attended weddings that you are not invited to.
You go to McDonald's to get your weekly supply of ketchup, salt, pepper and napkins.
You know more than one music group that stole the tune of Cranberries' "Zombie".
You have a can of Baygon on your kitchen table.
You make major decisions based on gengsi.
You take advantage of Wal-Mart's 30 days money-back-guarantee to "borrow" home appliances.
Someone in your family has extra pockets in his outfit to hide cookies from the all-you-can-eat bar.
You have paid more then $1000 to get your name on your license plate.
When watching TV you regularly find that all the channels broadcast the same thing.
You know more than 10 acronyms/abbreviations.

WHAT  THE WORLD WILL BE WITHOUT BLONDINES ?

Q. What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A. She’s trying to hold on to a thought.

Q. Why did the dumb blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A. So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q. What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A. Run like hell…she’s got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q. Why did the blonde cross the road?
A. She wanted to see the geese because she heard honking! 

Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: Manages to get the Pop Tarts out the toaster in one piece.

Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
A: She goes home!

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and “The Titanic”?
A: They know how many men went down on “The Titanic”.

Q: Did you hear about the dumb blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theatre?
A: They went to see “Closed for the Winter”.

Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK”.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn’t get Hearing Aides.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian?
A: Because she loved children.