Bumper Stickers For Women

1. So many men, so few who - can afford me.

2. God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.

3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

4. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

5. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

6. Coffee, chocolate, men ... Some things are just better rich.

7. Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen

8. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

9. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

10. I'm out of estrogen - and i have a gun.

11. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

12. Next mood swing: 6 minutes

13. And your point is?

14. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

15. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

16. Do not start with me. You will not win.

17. You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.

18. All stressed out and no one to choke.

19. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

20. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

21. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

22. If we are what we eat, I_m fast, cheap and easy.

23. Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Great Female Comebacks

Man: "Haven't we met before?" 

Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? 

Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?" 

Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "Your place or mine?" 

Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" 

Woman: "It's in the phone book." 

Man: "But I don't know your name." 

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?" 

Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" 

Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason." 

Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."

Woman: "Then why aren't you leaving me alone?"

Man: "I want to give myself to you." 

Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy: 

Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple." 

Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."

Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. 

Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

The 9 Types of Girlfriends

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a
bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes,
Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love
onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel
about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

Why Indeed

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word were misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

18. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know
the batteries are dead?

19.Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a
dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

More Stickers

• I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
•  I wasn't born a bitch.
• Men like you made me this way.
• Keep honking while I reload.
• Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
• Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
• EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
• Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
• If you drink, don't park.
• Accidents cause people.
• If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
• Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
• Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
• Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
• My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
• Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
• Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
• If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

The World's Easiest Quiz

 (Answers at the bottom Hey - NO Cheating) 

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 

2) Which country makes Panama hats? 

3) From which animal do we get catgut? 

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name? 

8) What color is a purple finch? 

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 

10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? 

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453. 

2) Ecuador. 

3) From sheep and horses. 

4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours. 

5) Squirrel fur. 

6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.

7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert. 

8) Distinctively crimson. 

9) New Zealand. 

10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

Confucius

• Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.
• If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
• Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
• He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
• Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
• Couple on seven-day honeymoon make whole week.
• Girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.
• Girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.
• Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.
• Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy -- feeling nuts.
• Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
• He who run behind bus get exhausted.
• Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
• He who fish in other's hole often catch crabs.

Cowboy Wisdom

• If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
• Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
• It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
• Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
• Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
• Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
• If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
• When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
• The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
• There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
• Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
• Never miss a good chance to shutup.

Bumper stickers

.

• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• Horn broken, watch for finger.
• My kid had sex with your honor student.
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
• I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
• Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
• I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
• Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
• Keep honking, I'm reloading.
• Hang up and drive.
• Lord save me from your followers.
• Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
• Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
• I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
• Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
• Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.