Lessons I learned in Life from James Bond
-If you loathe backseat drivers- use the ejection seat.
-Women will sleep with you no matter what their race, colour, creed, religious belief, marital status or sexual preference. Even if you treat them like dirt or have killed their husbands, fathers etc, they will still sleep with you in the end.
-The British Government has better resources than the Americans.
-All Russians are incompetent idiots, unless they are good-looking.
-Bad guys only operate in exotic locales like Vienna or the Bahamas- never a place like Nebraska or Cleveland.
-Evil genius have two henchmen, one with all brains and no brawn, and one with all brawn and no brains.
- No matter how many crack troops you are up against, you will never be hit by a bullet, minor scratches are the most youll get.
-The wilder the car chase, the lesser the chance of messing up your hair.
-The wilder the car chase the lesser the chance of red lights or pedestrians stopping you- let alone the Police.
- Spies always use dumb code phrases.
-You will never lose in a casino, no matter how crooked it is.
-Money is not a problem.
-Use one-liners wherever possible including the middle of a car chase, when you are just about to shoot someone, when someone is just about to shoot you, when you are about to use a gadget, before you have sex, etc.
-It is perfectly OK to drive a tank through St. Petersburg and catch up with a speeding motor car.
-Hit on the boss secretary at all times.
-80 year-olds can still head up a goverment department whose sole purpose is to invent new gadgets for the modern spy.
-You will always be told the evil plan BEFORE you are supposed to die.
-Always have a Union Jack parachute handy.
-Be a chauvenist pig at all times, women will sleep with you anyway (see above)
-Everybody of Eastern descent does martial arts like Jackie Chan.
-There is no modern buildings in communist countries.
-Always kill the evil genius last (or second to last).
Variety of Quotes
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the
brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other
functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the
unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York
Times, 1960
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench
to pound in the correct screw.
It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls
out.
Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the
leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net.
Courteous Postal Workers:
A. Always have stamps on hand.
B. Are kind, courteous, and patient with customers.
C. Save the last bullet for themselves.
The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please divide by 0 and
try again.
I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your
triumphs or how tragic your defeats---approximately one billion
Chinese couldn't care less.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to
learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for
their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams, Last
Chance to See
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an
atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is
it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in
whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp
Confucius say too much. -- Recent Chinese proverb
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases
of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed
interstate commerce. -- J. Edgar Hoover
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'till noon.
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning
of which I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They
replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground
of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to
grow but phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson
Groucho: So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
Smith: Yes, thirteen.
G: Thirteen! Good lord, isn't that a burden?
S: Well, I love my husband.
G: Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a
while.
-- Groucho Marx, on You Bet Your Life
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts
avoiding you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac
From alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die:
Another similarity is that Rush Limbaugh and Barney are both
purple, or would be if someone had the good sense to wrap some
piano wire around Rush's neck...
