Evaluation
comments
Dictionary of
Evaluation Comments
Some of you might
like to know what the supervisor is really saying in allthose glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too
bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL
QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE
REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED
POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN
WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF
EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO
INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN
DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING
WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES
DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF
WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS
ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND
CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN
ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES
QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS
USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS
PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF
HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO
PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG
EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW
AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO
THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY
DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE
ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs
more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too
much.
WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still
able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH
SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.
WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES
WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Employee evaluations.
Quotes
taken from actual employee evaluations:
1. "Since my last
report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the
better."
The Basic
Laws of Work
If you can't get
your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back
is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be
irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter
what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to
do.
After any salary
raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you
put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere
you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad
the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of
the day.
When the bosses
talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you
don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always
be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride
home from the office.
Keep your boss's
boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be
filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the
ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to
forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any
amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters
that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good,
you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of
it.
You are always
doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to
conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for
the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the
authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that
person is carrying.
When you don't know
what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules
will not get the job done.
Getting the job
done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by
a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the
question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much
you do, you never do enough.
The last person
that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
