Hilarious Signs
Over a
gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We
repair what your husband fixed."On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Office English Dictionary
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce
the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for
references to one's own name.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a big mistake.
Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just
perot'ed."
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income,Two Children,
Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no
property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just
tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Oreo Psycho-Personality Test
Psychologists havediscovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies
provides great insight intotheir personalities. Choose which method best
describes your favorite method of eatingOreos:
1. The whole thing
all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing
- this means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with,
exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally
irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a
time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their
Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but
that's OK, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in
every detail with every thing you do to the Point of being anal retentive and
irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to
go the speed limit
4. Feverish
Nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You
always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental
break downs run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Every
one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugar coat
unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations in to good ones. You are
in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity
towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart,
the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take
pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always
able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your
activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a
compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal,behavior.
7. Twisted apart,
the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk
that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are
greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of
yourself. But that's OK, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie,
not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to
lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek
professional medical help- immediately.
10. I don't have a
favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a
rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale
restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy,
own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You
are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.
Top 20 Signs It's a Bad Day
1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You put your bra on backwards and it fits
better.
3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put
you on hold.
4. You see a ''60 minutes'' news team waiting
in your office.
5. Your birthday cake collapses from the
weight of the candles.
6. You want to put on the clothes you wore
home from the party and there aren't any.
7. You turn on the news and they're showing
emergency routes out of the city.
8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
9. You wake up and discover your waterbed
broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
10.
Your car
horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's
Angels on the freeway.
11.
Your
wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
12.
Your
boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
13.
The bird
singing outside your window is a buzzard.
14.
You wake
up and your braces are locked together.
15.
You walk
to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
16.
Your
blind date turns out to be your ex.
17.
Your paycheck bounces.
18.
You put
both contact lenses in the same eye.
19.
Your pet
rock snaps at you.
20.
Your
wife says, ''Good morning, Bill'' and your name is George.
Workplace Farting: Options Explored
Whether the cause
is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is the same: Farts.
Seventy percent of the time, we can
dispense freely. The other 30% of the time, such as at work, we have some tough
decisions to make. This document is intended to help you in those decisions.Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.
Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors to consider:
- Do you have your own office? Feel free to fart at will risk free. After commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a good alternative solution for the females.
- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk? If so, one has to consider the proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame. If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could distract others from the initial event.
Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you like.
Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option. By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the scene before others even look up to notice.
Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find another closet, as your original place will become too risky.
And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.
You Work for the Government When:
* The process
becomes more important than the product
* You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there
* You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
* You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money
* You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym
* You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms
* You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance. (1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor (2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention
* You''ve sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards
