TODAY LAST ROUND OF IDEAS FOR YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

Sorry that we're not at home.
Please leave a message after the tone.
When we get in,
We'll give you a ring.
Until then, wait by the phone.

Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

(Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. It sounded like good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...)

Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that MY question? (Pause.) Please leave a message...

Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good.

I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

(Star Trek theme in the background:)

(Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier.

(Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number.

(Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many Klingons are attacking.

(Bad imitations:)

Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant?

Worf: Scanning, Captain... Strange... No life-forms.

Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data?

Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a message.

(Borg voice:) WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we're not home right now. So leave a message and we'll assimilate you later.

Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails are irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Nonetheless, leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative, high frequency, acoustic spike... (Background:) Error, error! Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant.

(Chekov's voice:) Oh Keptin! It was Khan! He made us do things... Say things we did not vant to say... But we vere strong, Keptin! Ve held out until ve heard the beep...

Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

(For Shakespeare lovers only:)
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

I am not home to talk to you,
But please don't be a creep.
Just leave your name and number,
At the sound of the...

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

These words are lovely dark and deep
But I've got promises to keep
and miles to go before I sleep
So leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

Now I lay me down to sleep;
Leave a message at the beep.
If I die before I wake,
Remember to erase the tape.

Marriage Quotes

AND THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER …..

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.


Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.


Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.


Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.


Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.


Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.


Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.


Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":

* The Engagement Ring

* The Wedding Ring

* The Suffe-Ring

* The Endu-Ring

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.


It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.


Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.


It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!


There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.


A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.


Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?

Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.


Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.

Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"


Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.


They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.


When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.


There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.


A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive.


A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.


A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.


A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.


Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.


An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.


And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.


Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.


Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.


Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.


English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.


Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.


He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.


Honolulu - it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.


Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.


I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.


I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope.


I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.


I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.


I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'?


I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.


If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?


If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.


If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children..." - they leave skid marks.

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.


In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.


In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!


Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him.

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.


Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable.


Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.


Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.


Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.


Man and wife make one fool.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.


Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.


Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.


Marriage is a rest period between romances.


Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.


Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.


Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.


Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.


Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.


Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.


Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.


Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.


Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.


Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.


Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth.


Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss..


Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.


May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.


May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.


May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.


May you never leave your marriage alive.


May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.


Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.


My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.


My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

My other wife is beautiful.


My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.


My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.


My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!


My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.


My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.


Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.


No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.


Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin!

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?


Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers.


Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.


Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.


Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.


Spinster: A bachelor's wife.


Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.


Question: Ted Kennedy: "Where was George?"

Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife


The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.


To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother--I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.


The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism.

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.


The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.


The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.


There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.


To keep your marriage brimming

With love in the marriage cup,

Whenever you're wrong, admit it,

Whenever you're right, shut up.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.


We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

What's new? Most of my wife.


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.


Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.


Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.


You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.


Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.


Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.


It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.


May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.


May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.


May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.


Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."


The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.


There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course.

SOME FUNNY LAWS

It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.

Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.

Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.

No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.

Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.

Breast feeding is not allowed in public.

In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.

It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.

Bay Village
It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road.

Bexley
Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

Clinton County
Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines.

Cleveland
It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license!

Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.

Columbus
It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.

Fairview Park
It's against the law to honk your horn "excessively". A grandmother was fined for honking her horn twice at her neighbor.

Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission.

Ironton
Cross-dressing is against the law.

Lima
Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold.

Lowell
It is unlawful to run a horse over five miles per hour.

Marion
You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.

North Canton
It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police.

McDonald
Your goose may not paraded down Main Street.

Oxford
It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

Paulding
A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.

Toledo
Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal.

Strongsville
Catch 22 is banned.

Youngstown
Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed.

You may not run out of gas.

 

Dress Code for Seniors

Despite what you may have seen on the streets,
the following combinations DO NOT go together:

~ A nose ring and bifocals.

~ Spiked hair and bald spots.

~ A pierced tongue and dentures.

~ Miniskirts and support hose.

~ Ankle bracelets and corn pads.

~ A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.

~ Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.

~ Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.

~ Short shorts and varicose veins.

~ Inline skates and a walker.