ONE MORE DAY GOOD OLD COLLEGE DAYS

Out Of College

You don't know what time Taco Bell closesanymore.

Your potted plants stay alive.

Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

You have to pay your own credit card bill.

You haven't seen a soap opera in over ayear.

8:00 a.m. is not early.

You have to file your own taxes.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

You're not carded anymore.

You carry an umbrella.

Your friends marry and divorce instead ofhook-up and break-up.

You start watching the Weather Channel.

Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples inyour wardrobe.

You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

You go to parties that the police don't raid.

Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.

Your car insurance goes down, except when you move to Jersey.

You refer to college students as kids.

You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum. Well, some of us still drink rum.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead ofTaco Bell.

You're waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going to bed.

College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie — the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sports center, and MTV News.

METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just can't put it down like I used to."

Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.

You decide your parents weren't as dumb as you thought!

You Know You're Out Of College When...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

Relieving Stress in Class

1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a dateif he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet#5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

Signs You Should Join E-Mailers Anonymous

10) You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9) Your firstborn is named Dotcom.
8) You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7) You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5) You find yourself typing ''com'' after every period.com.
4) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2) You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
1) Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.

Survival of the Fittest Brain Cells

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole herd is maintained oreven improved by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.
Recent emiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.   Thus, regular consumption of spirits helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of completing university studies and then getting married and settling down, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.  Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.
    So, this is a call to arms.  As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes.  But get back into the bars  and pubs and quaff that pint!  Your company and your country needs you to be at your peak, and at your best, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career opportunities that you could achieve through excessive alcohol consumption.  Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be! And remember a good  cold beer will kill those bad, useless brain cells that are slowing you  down and it will make the necessary room needed to get the good brain cells up front and at the top ready to per format their best.  So bottoms up, down  the hatch, look out brain it's coming fast!

Things Women Will Simply Never Understand

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it's annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they'll never understand... 

1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version of just about everything.
Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling equipment is well documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like "professional" or "industrial strength", because inside every man is the germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish fulfillment played out at a higher testosterone level. But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with "operating theatre quality air". I kept him away from my surgical steel steak knives. 

2. Why we are so bad at shopping.
We've never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are like giant booby traps for males - which is why if you send a man out to but eggs, sugar and bread you should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of wine, a pair of jeans and a tree. 

3. The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship.
Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that start with questions like "Are you really happy?" and "Where do you see us going?" A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen if we start picking it apart. Often our reticence will result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble talking about The Relationship.

4. Why we think we can fix things.
Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a little patience. In reality, we're only half right. Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether it's a dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we're mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen table.

5. Men and video games.
Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of an affair - when it's more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office. 

6. That sometimes we really are ill.
When men get ill, women are generally united in their belief that we are faking it. This is based on a tired old axiom stating that men will never fully understand the agony of childbirth so deserve no sympathy regarding matters of pain, fear or incapacitation. For the record, it should be noted that all men are in a constant state of feeling slightly under the weather just from being men. It's only a misplaced sense of machismo that forces us from our beds every day to go into work and then down to the pub for a couple of schooners of the only thing that ever makes us feel any better. 

7. The way we watch television.
Men don't just watch the TV, they plug right in. Once we're on the right wavelength, we can watch almost anything, including commercials, with a slack-jawed intensity which probably drives you crazy. Unfortunately for women, men cannot achieve this higher state without a firm grasp on the remote.

8. Our sense of humor.
When women say that what they most want from a man is a sense of humor, they tend to mean something different from what we mean. Women never understand the comic genius of their mate who makes beer come out of his nose.

9. Why we're so boring.
Male conversation generally relies heavily on petty obsession, technical jargon, numbing detail and presumed expertise. Topics that women only feel the need to mention in passing become Test-Match length debates among men. True, some of us are able to combine a scintillating wit with a flair for story telling and a nose for gossip, but we tend to reserve these talents for conversations with women. Between ourselves, the drive to talk at length about tire pressure or "Star Trek" episodes is too alluring. Even if your local pool team boasted Socrates, Einstein and Oscar Wilde as members, you'd still probably have to discuss the fastest way to get to the freeway. 

10. The male menopause.
Midlife crisis, the seven year itch, whatever you like to call it - women don't understand the seriousness of this condition, instead seeing it only as an excuse for a man to resign from his job, buy a Harley Davidson and start a relationship with a woman a third of his age. Like there has to be more to it than that.

Men's rules for Women!

1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.

2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include
something from each of the four major male food groups:*** Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.***

3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.

4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

5. Shopping is not fascinating.

6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.

7. Unless the answer is yes.

8. In which case, can he videotape it?

9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble .. (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

15. He heard you the first time.

16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.

17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.

18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.

19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.

20. Dogs good. Cats bad.

21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.

22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".

23. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument.

24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

25. He was not looking at that other girl.

26. Well, okay... maybe a little.

27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...

28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "motorcycle".

29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.

30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.

33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

35. Two words: love it. Learn it. Live it.

36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.

38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.

39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

40. Don't hog the covers.

41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...

42. He does not just want to be friends.

43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:

Bunch of good one-liners

1. How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

2. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Not one will stop to ask directions.

4. What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

5. How does a man show he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

6. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds eventually mature.

7. Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.

10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

11. Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

12. Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.