dear folLowers, i will return with new post on 16^th september

 

101 Things NOT to say during Sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people...
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll stil vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizingabout...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

 

Marriage Jokes

Getting married is very much like going to a continental
restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you
see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other
replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really
finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's
degree and the woman gets her master's.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm
still paying for it."
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That
happens in most countries, son.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married; and then it was too late.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives
and the wife takes.
Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a
ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the
woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a
fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear,
but I was in love and didn't notice it."
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he
still ends up with the same boss.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked
the friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".

SOME FUNNY LAWS

It is illegal to mistreat anything of great importance.

Owners of tigers must notify authorities within one hour if the tiger escapes.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.

Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

The Ohio driver's education manual states that you must honk the horn whenever you pass another car.

No one may be arrested on Sunday or on the Fourth of July.

Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited.

Breast feeding is not allowed in public.

In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.

It is illegal for more than five women to live in a house.

Bay Village
It is illegal to walk a cow down Lake Road.

Bexley
Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

Clinton County
Any person who leans against a public building will be subject to fines.

Cleveland
It's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license!

Women are forbidden from wearing patent leather shoes, lest men see reflections of their underwear.

Columbus
It is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on Sunday.

Fairview Park
It's against the law to honk your horn "excessively". A grandmother was fined for honking her horn twice at her neighbor.

Items left on a tree lawn become city property. A young man was fined for removing an item from a tree lawn even though he had the owner's permission.

Ironton
Cross-dressing is against the law.

Lima
Any map that does not have Lima clearly stated on the map cannot be sold.

Lowell
It is unlawful to run a horse over five miles per hour.

Marion
You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.

North Canton
It is against the law to roller skate without notifying the police.

McDonald
Your goose may not paraded down Main Street.

Oxford
It's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

Paulding
A policeman may bite a dog to quiet him.

Toledo
Throwing a snake at anyone is illegal.

Strongsville
Catch 22 is banned.

Youngstown
Riding on the roof of a taxi cab is not allowed.

You may not run out of gas.

 

Dress Code for Seniors

Despite what you may have seen on the streets,
the following combinations DO NOT go together:

~ A nose ring and bifocals.

~ Spiked hair and bald spots.

~ A pierced tongue and dentures.

~ Miniskirts and support hose.

~ Ankle bracelets and corn pads.

~ A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.

~ Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.

~ Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.

~ Short shorts and varicose veins.

~ Inline skates and a walker.

The 20 Disses

The 20 Disses

Words can't describe your outfit, so I'll just throw up!

They can't measure your intelligence. The scale won't go that low.

Appearances can be deceiving. Or in your case, disgusting.

I promise not to make fun of your height. I would never stoop to that.

I'm glad you're tall. It gives me more of you to dislike.

I think you stepped on something smelly. Like your feet!

I've seen tables with nicer looking legs than yours.

Are you going to eat that apple, or gum it to death?

Your mouth's the perfect size... for your foot.

I've seen a nose like yours before, but it looked better on the baboon.

Know what I like about your face? Me neither.

Know what goes best with a face like yours? A paper bag.

Why don't you do something different with your hair? Like, wash it.

You're a person of rare intelligence. It's rare when you show any.

You'll never use your mind. You can't lose what you never had.

You've made this date I won't forget... no matter how hard I try.

I know why they call this a "blind date." Because now that I've seen you, I wish I were blind.

You're like disposable diapers...always getting dumped.

''What are you doing Friday night?'' ''Trying to forget you just asked me that.''

"What's he got that I haven't?" "You want it alphabetically?"