Fun Things To Do On An Airplane

1. Hit the stewardess button and tell her that your friend next
to you is having a baby. Have your friend make all sorts of
noises. (Works especially well, if your friend is a guy)

2. Take the telephone out of its holder and attempt to strangle
the person sitting in front of you.

3. Hit the stewardess button as many times as possible and when
she comes, blame it on your stuffed animal. Say he gets
hyperactive riding on airplanes and does mischievious stuff.

4. Use the Call Button to ask the flight attendent on a date.

5. When the flight attendent comes around for drinks, request
food. When they ask what meal you would like, ask for a drink.

6. When you get your meal/peanuts or whatever, dump it in the
persons hair in front of you

7. Before you get on the plane go to the Sky Cap and ask them if
you can deliver this bag to Chicago, this one to Detroit, and
this one to Atlanta. If he says no, say, "Why not, you did it
last time."

8. Have extremely loud conversations on which Olsen twin is more
talented

9. If sitting next to someone you don't know attempt to stick
q-tips in various parts of the body (i.e. ears, nose, don't get
too excited)

10. Bring on a CD Player and the Soundtrack to Saturday Night
Feaver. Dance until physically restrained.

11. Hold a Sing-A-Long.

12. Look out the window and point at stuff, claim you know that
person.

13. When they serve you your food ask them what it is and tell
them it dosen't look edible. (most of the time the stewerdess
will agree with you)

14. Bring a live chicken on board. When you are given your food,
hide it and put the chicken on trey table. Press the call
button, and say your dinner needs to be cooked more.

15. Put your stuffed animal in the barf bag and say it found a
new home

16. Take off your trey table, and hand it to the person in front
of you.

17. If you are sitting at least 2 seats away from the aisle, get
up every 5 minutes to go to the bathroom. If questioned say. I
think the gum is getting to me.

18. Pull down the oxygen masks and place all three on your head
at once.

19. Bring 2 Lobsters on the Plane. Paint Numbers on the back,
and race them down the aisle. See how many people you can get to
bet on this race. Have a board stating odds.

20. Bring a sock puppet on board, and communicate with everyone
with it. (please note, this works better with people older then

4) If someone questions the words of the sock explain to them
that they have affended the sock king and will be attacked by a
giant ball of lint.

21. Clip your toe nails 

22. Play with the lights for about an hour. If someone asks say
your making strobe lights.

23. Select captains and play a game of tackle football in the
aisle.

24. Two Words: Strip Poker

25. Bring on board Spam and a hot plate. Cook the spam and offer
it to other passengers.

26. When the lady comes and asks you for a drink say "Vodka
Martini shaken not stired" and when she says your not old enough
shout and scream and pound your tray until you make such a
racket that she gives in.

27. Play a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos

28. Attempt to get on the PA and start a game of Simon Says

29. Demand that you get both the arm rests and shove the persons
arm off.

30. Every few minutes press the call button and ask the
steward/stewardess "Are we there yet?"

31. When you first get on, take the empty seat next to you and
pretend your invisible friend is there. When someone trys to sit
there scream and fuss and say they can't sit on Joe.

32. When the pilot comes over the PA system cower in fear and
scream, "It's those voices again!"

33. When you notice someone getting up to go to the bathroom,
immidiately jump out of your seat, run down the aisle, push the
person out of the way and bolt into the bathroom, stay in the
bathroom for at least 1/2 an hour.

34. When the flight attendent gives you there drink list ask
them for drinks not on the list, keep this up for at least 10
minutes.

35. If you_re on a plane that is showing a movie, find the VCR,
and put in a porn movie, this works particularly well when you
know the first movie would be one that younger children would
like.

36. Bring a trombone on board, while playing it, attempt to hit
as many people as possible with the slide of the trombone, then
yell at them for getting in your way.

37. Using a fishing rod attempt to catch other people's dinner
off their trey table.

38. When sitting in first class ask for a big meal. Leave the
meal alone, and just eat the napkin, when the flight attendent
comes back to check on you, say the forgot your napkin. When
they come back with a new napkin, eat that one as well, keep
this up for the remainder of the flight, making sure not to eat
any of the food that they gave you.

39. When traveling through clouds, open an umbrella. When
experiencing Turbulence scream "Earthquake!" Then run into the
cock pit and hide.

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A COP...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. If the Officer says "Gee son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't reply,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

Things you don't want to hear in an Airplane

 

1. "The union president called - he said the pilots' strike starts
IMMEDIATELY."

2. "We'll just ask the flight attendant to wake us up when we get
there."

3. "My name is Forrest Gump - people call me Forrest Gump."

4. "Hey, Jim, do you remember where we're going?"

5. "Buckle your seat belt - I'm going to try something I saw in a
cartoon."

6. "Bye, bye, Miss American Pie..."

7. "Wow, we're sure a lot lighter now that we dropped that second
engine!"

8. "Only 500 more flight hours, and I'll get my license!"

9. "They say this plane practically flies itself. Good thing, huh?"

Woman's instructions

THE WOMAN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

NEW Ideas About Science

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. [this guy is going to do well in college! *haha* ...Lj]

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.