20 Reasons To Call It A Night

1.     You have absolutely no idea where your bag is.

2.     You truly believe that dancing with your arms overhead and wiggling your bottom while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.    

3.     You've suddenly decided that you want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe that you could do it too.

4.     In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Lily Savage than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

5.     You drop your 3:00 a.m. Burger on the floor (which you're eating even though you're not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6.     You start crying and telling everyone you see that you love them so much.  

7.     There are less than 3 hours before you're due to start work.  

8.     You've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to you.  

9.     The man you're flirting with used to be your biology teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.  

11. Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so you decide to keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.  

12.  You seem to think that its a really good idea to get your mates to push you down the street in a shopping trolley.  

13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the vodka.  

14.  You think you're in bed, but the pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.  

15.  You start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."  

16.  You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.  

17.  You're hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.    

18.  You're soooo tired you just sit on the floor (wherever you  happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.  

19.  You begin leaving the buttons open on your button fly pants to cut down on the time you're in the bathroom away from your drink.  

20  You take your shoes off because you really believe it's their fault that you're having problems walking straight.

Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

15. Don't squat with your spurs on.

16. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

19. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no food.

24. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

25. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

26. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Maintaining Your Insanity

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Insist that your e-mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com or Elvis the-King@companyname.com 

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Dont use any punctuation

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17) Sing along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)

20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

23) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

24) Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."

25) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "Third time this week!!!"

26) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

27) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."

28) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

29) Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"

How To Handle Stress

1.Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
2.Use your Master card to pay your Visa.
3.Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4.When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
5.Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
6 Forget the diet center and send yourself a candy gram.
7.Dance naked in front of your pets.
8.Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothing was wrong.
9.Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
10.Retaliate for your tax woes by filling out your tax forms in Roman numerals.
11.Tattoo "Out To Lunch" on your forehead.
12.Leaf through a national geographic and draw underwear on the natives.
13.Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
14.Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
15.Buy a subscription to Sleezoid Weekly and send it to your bosses wife.
16.Pay your electric bill in pennies.
17.Drive to work...in Reverse!
18.Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode of "The Flintstones" during that important Finance meeting.
19.Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
20.Refresh yourself: Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
21.Polish your car with earwax.
22.Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
23.Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
24.Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
25.Braid the hairs in each nostril.
26.Write a short story using alphabet soup.
27.Lie on your back eating celery...using your navel as a salt dipper.
28.Stare at people through he tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
29.Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Does Your Cat Own You?

1.     Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

2.     Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

3.     Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

4.     Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?

5.     Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?

6.     Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

7.     Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?

8.     Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?

9.     Does your cat sleep on your head?
Do you like it?

10.     Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

11.     Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

12.     Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

13.     Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

14.     Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

15.     Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas?

Does Your Dog Own You?

1.     You believe every dog is a lap dog.

2.     If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.

3.     You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.

4.     You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.

5.     You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.

6.     You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.

7.     No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dogs).

8.     You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself.

9.     You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.

10.                       You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.

11.                       You let the neighbor dog sleep over.

12.                       You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.

13.                       Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.

14.                       When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.

15.                       You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.

16.                       You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.

17.                       Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

Top Ten Put Downs

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king! She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me every where. Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "

4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?'

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there.

Why Parents Go Grey

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's  home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."  

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.  

"Yes," whispered the small voice.  

"May I talk with him?"  

The child whispered, "No."  

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is  your mommy there?"  

"Yes."  

"May I talk with her?"  

Again the small voice whispered, "No."  

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"  

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."  

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"  

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.  

"Busy doing what?"  

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is  that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.  

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.  

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just  landed the hello-copper."  

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss  asked, "What are they searching for?"  

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:  "ME."