New Rules For Employees

n.b. Strict disciplinary action will be taken against all offenders

SICK DAYS:  We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:  Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need  all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you  intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:  Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called  Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:  All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The  vacation days are as follows: January 1 and December 25.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:  This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks  notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:  Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we  will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All  employees whose names  begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with  'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your  allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your  turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time  with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange,  in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the  stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper  roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:  Skinny people get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they  can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a  balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for  lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet  pill.

DRESS CODE:  It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If  we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes & carrying a £600 Gucci bag, we assume  you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need an increase.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a  positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,  concerns, complaints,  frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,  accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed  elsewhere.

3 Corporate Lessons

Lesson Number 1: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral to the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. 

Lesson Number 2: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, "sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral to the story is: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. 

Lesson Number 3: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold,the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. As the frozen bird lay there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him! The Morals to this story are: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut. 

IN SUMMARY: An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around and some simply just idling. The monkeys on top looks down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Memo

THE COMPANY XMAS PARTY
MEMO TO ALL EMPLOYEES
RE: Christmas PARTY ON DEC. 23RD
DATE: DEC. 1ST

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if
our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among
employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made
by our CEO at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

---------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who
are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

There will be no Christmas tree present. No, Christmas carols sung. We
will have other type of music for your enjoyment. !

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty
-------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this?
Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the
union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
$10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty
------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party -- the days are so short this time of year -- or else package
everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters ! Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes,
there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though. We will have
booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those
on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those
people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh
fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"
desserts.
Sorry!

Did I miss anything?

Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning
of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.
Okay?
Patty
----------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's
a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the
thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten
up? please?

Also the company has changed their mind in announcing the special
announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail
sent to your home.
Patty
-----------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$**@ Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The %#*&^%@*%^Holiday Party
I have no#%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the %#&^!@
do I care...I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET.! You change your
address now and your are dead.! No more changes of address will be
allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you
hung from the ceiling in the warehouse.
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including
hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die you hear
me.

The Bitch from HELL

----------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her
at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Rules Of The Road In Florida

 1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Florida driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially someone from Florida or Georgia. With no-fault insurance the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare for people entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in any County during rush hour.

9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Florida driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Florida is the home of high-speed slalom driving.

12. It is traditional in Florida to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Florida driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

14. In Florida, 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

I REPEAT THIS ONE BECAUSE IS MY FAVOURIT

A Guide To Politics

Feudalism:
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Bureaucratic socialism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure communism:
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Russian communism:
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk

Dictatorship:
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Singaporean democracy:
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Militarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative democracy:
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

American democracy:
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."

British democracy:
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Anarchy:
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Hong Kong capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

Environmentalism:
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Feminism:
You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

Totalitarianism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Political correctness:
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Counter culture:
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

Surrealism:
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Libertarianism:
You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."