RONDOM JOKES
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, but the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, in hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, but now I'm fulfilled... SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!
4. Through all the things that came to pass, our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, so right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replies "A 2005 Bugatti Veyron. It cost $1.24M."
"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure," replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whoooosh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Bugatti?" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh!
Ka-bbblammm! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives."
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
(I bet you're gonna read this joke again!)
"Hey, this is a nude beach. I ain't getting in that cold water!" - Shrinkaphobia
"Get that fucking vodka bottle away from me!!" - Carmenelectraphobia
"He's coming straight for us -- with his left turn signal on!" - Oldfartophobia
"You have to push 'Start' to turn the damn computer off?!" - Windophobia
"No! Don't call the plumber!!!" - Buttcrackaphobia
"No, I don't want to watch 'Friends'. That blonde chick freaks me out." - Phoebephobia
"Um, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove?" - Probeophobia
"You're busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?" ~ Rentanotherpornophobia
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist
And when we have REAL trouble, it's a...
HISterectomy
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."
The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he said.
The last man came into the office. The interviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"
Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.
"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.
"Tennis ball?" the man said smiling back.
"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
1. 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
2. 7 have been arrested for fraud
3. 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
4. 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
5. 3 have done time for assault
6. 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
7. 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8. 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
9. 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
10. 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
''Thank you! Thank you!'' the father cried. ''Are you a paramedic?'' ''No,'' replied the man, ''I work for the IRS."
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
"You will die on an American holiday", said the astrologist.
"How can you be so sure of that?" asked Bin-Laden.
"Well, any day you die will be an American holiday".
He replied, "Tennessee State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we said to just sell lemonade!)
"As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"
So the boy went off to school the next day, with the poop in his hand. The teacher noticed that he kept his hand closed, so she told the boy to open her hand.
"No."
"Open your hand."
"No."
"Why wont you open your hand?"
"Cause there's a little green goblet inside and if I open my hand, I scared he's gonna run away and I'm never gonna see him again."
"OK. I'm sending you to the principal's office.
The kid went to the principal's off and the principal to the boy to open his hand.
"No."
"Open your hand."
"No."
"Why wont you open your hand?"
"Cause there's a little green goblet inside and if I open my hand, I scared he's gonna run away and I'm never gonna see him again."
"Fine. Your suspended."
So the boy went home and his mother told him to open his hand.
"No."
"Open your hand."
"No."
"Why wont you open your hand?"
"Cause there's a little green goblet inside and if I open my hand, I scared he's gonna run away and I'm never gonna see him again."
"OPEN YOUR HAND."
"No."
So the mother slapped the boy's hand, and the boy said, "Look mom you scared the crap out of him."
"Daddy, I can prove that there are three cakes in ma plate,"
"Go ahead," his dad urged him. So the son pointed at the first cake and said,
"This is one," Then, pointing to the third, he said,
"This is two. One and two make three."
"Genius," his father praised. "Now let me have the first cake, your mother the second and you the third."
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
"Go ahead," his dad urged him. So the son pointed at the first cake and said,
"This is one," Then, pointing to the third, he said,
"This is two. One and two make three."
"Genius," his father praised. "Now let me have the first cake, your mother the second and you the third."
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.
A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"
A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it's up?"
A Bank manager says "don't take it out you'll lose interest"!
A. Samson - he brought the house down.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.)
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