Play the Office Game

Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree
to play the Office Game which awards points as follows: 

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your
mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just
called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and
grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. 

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I
don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
 
FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude
with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch
into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing
irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the
report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter,
"Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear
that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
 
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about
it"

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very
important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

Actual Business Signs In USA

In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a classified ad: "Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it." 

In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" 

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal
Church." 

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." 

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you
can come here?" 

In a classified ad: "Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of
aunts."

You know you are a teacher if...

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

You find humor in other people's stupidity.

You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.

When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

You have no life between August to June.

When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."

You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."

Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

ARE YOU AN ENGINEER?

If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.

If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal
point in the right place.

If you look forward to the holidays only to put together the kids' toys.

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging
coats and taping ducts.

If you window shop at Radio Shack

If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi
movie looking for technical inaccuracies.

If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and
your camera's flash attachment.

If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.

If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.

If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

If you own 'Official Star Trek' anything.

If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.

If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear
reactor.

If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

If you truly believe aliens are living among us.

If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.

If you have more toys than your kids.

If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.

If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work, and you rush up to
the front to fix it.

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.

If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel, and have seen most of the shows already

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.

If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.

If you did the sound system for your senior prom.

If your checkbook always balances.

If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone.

If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

If you thought the real heroes of Apollo 13 were the mission controllers.

If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get
enough sleep.

If you spend more on your home computer than your car.

If you know what http:/ stands for.

If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain
atmospheric absorption theory.

If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate (or
Chinese, pizza, beer, etc).

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

Job Applicant Code

What job applicants really mean on their applications and resumes and in employment interviews

"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac.

When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell otherpeople what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I'veused Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask
me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokesand I tell them badly.

"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited persona advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job.
I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.

"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of
sexual harassment.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

On The Job Wisdom

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company
someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to
budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

Eight signs you have nothing to do at work

1.You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar

2.You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

3.You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island. 

4.You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs. 

5.People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling. 

6.No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop. 

7.You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

8.The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

Office Dares

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES 

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed. 

2. Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).

3. Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your nameand say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye". 

5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. 

6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"

7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."

8. Walk sideways to the photocopier. 

9. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. 

THREE-POINT OFFICE DARES 

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. 

2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did youget all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice). 

4.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from thenozzle (there must be a "non-player" within sight). 

5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. 

FIVE POINT OFFICE DARES 

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would benice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). 

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watchyou with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. 

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."

5. After every sentence, say "mon" in a really bad Jamaican accent, i.e., "the report's on your desk, mon." Keep this up for one hour.

6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights?"

10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

13. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during  a very important conference call.\

14. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

Top ten things that sound dirty, but in the office aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. Hmm, I think it's out of fluid.

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

Politically correct ways to say someone is stupid

1. Light's on but nobody is home. 

2. A brick shy of a full load. 

3. Doesn't have all of their dogs barking. 

4. Not the brightest crayon in the box. 

5. Not the sharpest knife in the draw. 

6. A few clowns short of a circus. 

7. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 

8. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 

9. A few beers short of a six-pack. 

10. Dumber than a box of hair. 

11. A few peas short of a casserole. 

12. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. 

13. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 

14. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. 

15. One taco short of a combination plate. 

16. A few feathers short of a whole duck. 

17. All foam, no beer. 

18. The cheese slid off his cracker. 

19. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. 

20. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. 

21. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 

22. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 

23. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 

24. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 

25. As smart as bait. 

26. Chimney's clogged. 

27. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. 

28. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair. 

29. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. 

30. Forgot to pay his brain bill. 

31. Her sewing machine's out of thread. 

32. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. 

33. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 

34. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. 

35. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. 

36. No grain in the silo. 

37. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 

38. Receiver is off the hook. 

39. Several nuts short of a full pouch. 

40. Skylight leaks a little. 

41. Slinky's kinked. 

42. Surfing in Nebraska. 

43. Too much yardage between the goal posts. 

44. In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther apart than most. 

45. As bright as a 1/2 watt bulb. 

46. As swift as roadkill rabbit. 

47. As sharp as a butter knife. 

48. As swift as a sailboat on a calm day. 

49. As bright as a bag of hammers.

Most common lies

1. I won't laugh. I promise.

2. Your table will be ready in a few minutes.

3. I never got your text.

4. I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions.

5. You will need to know this later in life.

6. No, I'm OK. I'm just tired.

7. OK, just one more episode.

8. I'm on my way.

9. Sorry, my parents said no.

10. I'm just kidding.

The Ten Ifs of Employment

1. If it rings, put it on hold.

2. If it clunks, call the repairman.

3. If it whistles, ignore it.

4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.

5. If it's the boss, look busy.

6. If it talks, take notes.

7. If it's handwritten, type it.

8. If it's typed, copy it.

9. If it's copied, file it.

10. If it's Friday, forget it!

10 Things Never to Say to a Taller Woman

10. "You must be a model!" (This line shows that you're not trying very hard, even if you clarify up front that you're only asking because she's really rilly pretty.)

9. "You can't be 5'10". I'm 5'10"!" (It's one thing to lie about your height while you're sitting down or on an Internet profile. When you say this to someone who has to lean down to hear it, you're busted.)


8. "Is it hard for you to meet people taller than you?" (If she has to explain the bell curve to you, you might not be an intellectual match.)

7. "Now there's a tree I'd like to climb." (Yummeh.)

6. "How do you kiss?" (Or the skin-crawling subset: "Wow, I feel like I'm the girl!" You do realize that kissing doesn't require her to use her legs, right?)

5. "I could eat my way to the top." (Stop. Just stop.)

4. "How tall are you, anyway?" (Think about it: Whatever she answers won't make much difference, except that you'll look sorta insecure for having asked. Use some deductive reasoning and you should be able to guess within an inch or two.)

3. "How do you wear heels?" (Like everyone else: one foot at a time. She looks even better when she does it, shortstack.)

2. "It won't matter much when we're lying down." (Only a fool would invite commentary on the inches that do make a difference during horizontal integration.)

1. "Do you play basketball?" (People don't ask "Do you play professional baseball?" just because you're paunchy and chew tobacco. Pay it forward by giving tall women the same courtesy.)

Bad Date Signs

1. Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother....

2. You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her....

3. She has a thicker mustache than you....

4. When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions....

5. Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system....

6. At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic....

7. She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut....

8. At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill....

9. She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you....

10. She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you....

20 Ways to Tick Off Teachers

.

1. (If it's a male teacher) Call him Mr. Dude with a sarcastic
tone in your voice loud enough for the whole class to hear.
2. Ignore the teacher when they call on you.
3. If your text book is talking about a movie familiar to you,
hum the theme song.
4. Fold paper air planes, and when the teacher bends over...(you
know how the rest goes...)
5. Say the dumbest, most idiotic, answer you can think of.
6. If your teacher will not let you go to the bathroom, let
yourself out.
7. Forge your parents signature on something, and when the
teacher comes to you, say, "I got my sloppy hand writing from my
dad, see?"
8. Continuously drop something on the floor.
9. Find a way to get sat out in the hall, and continuously walk
in and say, "I forgot my pencil!" and use a different excuse
every time.
10. Fall out of your chair five or six times.
11. Bang your head on your desk.
12. Smash your face inside your book and when your teacher says
something, go, "Huh?"
13. Staple tissues together and put them back in the box.
14. Run into walls and act retarded.
15. Yell out your classroom window, "She's poisoning us, help!"
16. Make fun of your teacher's age.
17. Do the opposite of what she says.
18. Roll your pencil around on your desk.
19. Write on your desk.
20. Call your teacher a white haired witch.

 

Little Johnny List

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!
-------------------------
Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Little Johnny: No, I'm Little Johnny.
-------------------------
Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one
day?
Little Johnny: I get up early.
-------------------------
Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you
didn't have to keep yours.
-------------------------
Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I
didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Little Johnny: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
-------------------------
Teacher: Why are you late?
Little Johnny: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
That's what I did.
-------------------------
Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Little Johnny: I hope you didn't either.
-------------------------
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your
son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
-------------------------
Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Little Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."
Little Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."

Corporate Lessons

Lesson Number One:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small
rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and
do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the Rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All
of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up. 

*************************

Lesson Number Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't
got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of
dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there. 

*************************

Lesson Number Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold,
the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it
was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As
the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to
realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:

1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut

PERFORMANCE TERMS

Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone 

Average Employee - Not too bright 

Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet

Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date

Active Socially - Drinks a lot

Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too 

Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does 

Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses 

Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision

Aggressive - Obnoxious 

Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it 

Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English 

Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker 

Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice 

Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky 

Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes 

Career Minded - Back Stabber

Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else

Business rules

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous'.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Job application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food
establishment... 

NAME: Greg Bulmash 

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If Iwas in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. 

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. 

EDUCATION: Yes. 

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. 

SALARY: Less than I'm worth. 

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-itnotes. 

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. 

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. 

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? 

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 LBS?: Of what? 

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" 

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. 

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. 

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with afabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. 

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. 

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Work Rules to Live By

.

1. Never walk without a document in your hands

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy

Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.

3. Messy desk

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed

Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Leave the office late

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

8. Stacking Strategy

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

9. Build Vocabulary

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.

10. Have 2 Jackets

If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere