WHAT WE CAN TALK MORE THAN ABOUT MANS ....

New Courses for Men

Class size is limited to 10 as course material may prove difficult.

Agenda

1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. P.M.S. Learning To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How To Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas - Give Us $$$$$
6. Understanding The Female Responses To Your Coming In Drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques - (Formally Called "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
9. You - The Weaker Sex
10. Reasons To Give Flowers
11. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom
12. How To Stay Awake After Sex
13. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
14. Sex 101 - You Can Fall Asleep Without It, If You Really Try Sex 102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's "Awake", Take A Cold Shower
15. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
16. How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
17. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost
18. The Remote Control - Overcome Your Dependency
19. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
20. How Not To Get Younger Than Your Children
21. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
22. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked
23. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
24. The Attainable Goal - Omitting @#$% From Your Vocabulary
25. Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
26. Real Men Ask For Directions

A COPY OF THE ABOVE ENDED UP IN OUR LOCAL SHERIFF'S HANDS SO HE DECIDED TO HELP UPDATE THESE COURSES....

While I certainly can't dispute some of the coursework you've listed in such a cavalier fashion, you forgot to show some of the classes that males take great pride in. They are:

1. Eating Straight Out of the Can . . . an environmentalist approach
2. Flatulence As An Art Form
3. If It's There, Why Can't I Touch It? The key to understanding women
4. Duct Tape - 101
5. Duct Tape - Advanced - The Magic Silver Strip
6. It's Mine...I Can Scratch It...Assertiveness training
7. Cooking for Fun and Sex
8. Beer Gargling ... Prerequisite is Chemistry 101
9. How To Make Your Woman Really Hot (blow your nose on her curtains)
10. Cussing to Make Your Point (Sub. for Speech 101, Asshole)
11. Cooties - How to Check Girls for Them
12. How To Order at a Fancy Restaurant
13. How To Slip Out Without Paying At A Fancy Restaurant
14. How To Have Great Sex
15. How To Have Great Sex With A Partner (Advanced Only)

Dr.Suite, CEO of the PyBRUs Chapter "Men can be amusing, really" offers courses for women who want to better understand their men. Courses are limited to 50 per class (this curriculum is usually easily assimilated by the female gender).

If Men Rewrote The Rules

Rule # 1 - Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 - If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3 - If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4 - It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5 - Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6 - Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7 - You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule # 8 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Rule # 9 - Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 10 - Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Rule # 11 - When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Rule # 12 - Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

Quotes from Women

"Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid." --- Hedy Lamarr

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson

"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn

"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee

Woman Wishes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes -- that whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, women will flock to him like bees to honey."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. So, "KAZAM" -- she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and
he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, "KAZAM"-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."


Moral of the story: Women are clever . Don't mess with them.

How to Talk About Men & Still be Politically Correct

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIALINVERSION.
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

Male-Female Relationships...Long But True

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?''

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see. .. February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the rats.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ...


''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . I feel so . . ." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What? ' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

''What way?'' says Roger.

''That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger.

''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''

Job Applicant Code

What job applicants really mean on their applications and resumes and in employment interviews

"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac.

When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell otherpeople what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I'veused Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask
me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokesand I tell them badly.

"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited persona advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job.
I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.

"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of
sexual harassment.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

On The Job Wisdom

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company
someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to
budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

Eight signs you have nothing to do at work

1.You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar

2.You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

3.You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island. 

4.You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs. 

5.People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling. 

6.No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop. 

7.You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

8.The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

Office Dares

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES 

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed. 

2. Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).

3. Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your nameand say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye". 

5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. 

6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"

7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."

8. Walk sideways to the photocopier. 

9. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. 

THREE-POINT OFFICE DARES 

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. 

2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did youget all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice). 

4.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from thenozzle (there must be a "non-player" within sight). 

5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. 

FIVE POINT OFFICE DARES 

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would benice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). 

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watchyou with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. 

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."

5. After every sentence, say "mon" in a really bad Jamaican accent, i.e., "the report's on your desk, mon." Keep this up for one hour.

6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights?"

10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

13. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during  a very important conference call.\

14. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

Top 10 Signs You're Burned Out

1.You're so tired you now answer the phone "hell"

2.Your best friend calls to ask how you've been and you immediately scream
"Get off by back, WITCH!"

3.Your garbage can is your "IN" box

4.You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care

5.You have so much on your mind that you've forgotten how to pee

6.Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday

7.You sleep more at work than you do at home

8.You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase

9.Your day-timer exploded a week ago

10.You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now

Work Thoughts

Things You'd Love to Say at Work, But Can't...

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted

Rules For Work

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring
it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising
me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the
door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use
of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority.
I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere
to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Things Not to Say to a Naked Woman

1 Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon. 

2 How many storage boxes can you fit in there?!? 

3 You must be very experienced. 

4 Remember, you said this was a freebie...right? 

5 Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in. 

6 I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it. 

7 Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt. 

8 Would you mind rolling around in this flour. 

9 I heard carpenters dream about you. 

10 So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 

11 Look.. I can get my whole arm in. 

12 It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 

13 Is that an optical illusion? 

14 If I look right at it I feel like I'm falling in. 

15 Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head? 

16 Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off? 

17 Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish? 

18 I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. 

19 Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 

20 I've been wondering all night what that smell was. 

21 Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body. 

22 You know they have surgery to fix that. 

23 Everybody down at the bar said you were good. 

24 Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away 

25 Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel. 

26 I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so. 

27 You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway. 

28 You're not 'that' fat. 

29 I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out. 

30 Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

 

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

Confucius Say

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.

2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.

6. Man with holes in pockets, feels cocky all day.

7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.

9. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.

12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

14. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

18. When lady say no, she mean maybe, When lady say maybe, she mean yes, When lady say yes--she no lady!

FUNNY Signs!

At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)
"Best Place in Town to take a Leak"

Sign over a gynecologist's office
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband tried to fix."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"

At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

COMPANY LINGO!

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

MY SUGGESTIONS WHY TO PARTY

1. Because it's Friday.
2. Because your dentist canceled your appointment.
3. Because you can't think of anything boring to do.
4. Because it's daytime.
5. Because it's nighttime.
6. Because it's exactly one week later than it was this time last week.
7. Because you like to make ice.
8. Because you want to annoy your neighbors.
9. Because you're dying to wear your new light shade.
10. Because you're tired of playing 'Charades' with yourself.
11. Because you're carrying a party gene.
12. Because you found the perfect shoes.
13. Because you're afraid your lifestyle is too healthy.
14. Because you never know...
15. Because your place could use a good mess.
16. Because your mother needs something to be upset about.
17. Because you have a sudden urge to limbo.
18. Because your inhibitions are out of town.
19. Because the bank made an error in your favor.
20. Because it's there.
21. Because you need more bean dip in your diet.
22. Because the fun content of your blood is too low.
23. Because you look good doing it.
24. Because you're considering it as a career.
25. Because your yo-yo stock went up a point.
26. Because someone's got to do it.
27. Because you have a bad reputation to uphold.
28. Because your plants want to meet new people.
29. Because fun is a terrible thing to waste.
30. Because you want to try out your new jokes.
31. Because it's your patriotic duty.
32. Because you're going for the party record.
33. Because your roommate got rid of his scorpion farm.
34. Because you need the practice.
35. Because you're not getting any younger.
36. Because the vet says your hamster will pull through.
37. Because you've got it coming to you.
38. Because your life is starting to grow moss.
39. Because your brain needs a night off.
40. Because you never met a party you didn't like.
41. Because the fate of the free world depends on it.
42. Because the universe is expanding.
43. Because your dog is finally housebroken.
44. Because it's the only exercise you get.
45. Because maturity is overrated.
46. Because a party demon has possessed your body.
47. Because it hurts too much when you stop.
48. Because these are your "party years!"
49. Because you're too polite to turn down an invitation.
50. Because you can't boogie to a book.
51. Because you have an overactive party gland.
52. Because the moon is in a party phase.
53. Because otherwise the police would have nothing to do.
54. Because curfew has been lifted.
55. Because the phone company lost your Internet bill.
56. Because you won the lottery and feel reckless.
57. Because life seems so dull without it.
58. Because that's how the dinosaurs would have wanted to go.
59. Because you haven't eaten a million corn chips yet.
60. Because you're suffering from popcorn deficiency.
61. Because you're supposed to be the irresponsible one.
62. Because how else are you going to learn to juggle chainsaws?
63. Because your bank manager finally lifted that death threat.
64. Because you need to get to know more riot police.
65. Because your budgie ate your concert tickets and you need to let the party feeling out somehow.
66. Because the voices tell you to.
67. Because if not you, who else?
68. Because it's time.
69. Because the local committee like you too much.
70. Because you need to cultivate a bad impression.
71. Because if you don't you'll explode.
72. Because you got your coursework in on time.
73. Because your lecturer forgot to set work for the weekend.
74. Because you suspect you're too uptight.
75. Because you need to get ready for New Year's.
76. Because THEY don't want you to.
77. Because it's a long way till midnight, and you've got ten crates to get through.
78. Because you want to finish all the food in your house before dawn.
79. Because someone bet you to.
80. Because the dice tell you to. (see Luke Rhinehart)
81. Because you haven't heard a police megaphone for a whole week.
82. Because you want to meet new alcohol.
83. Because that's the last thing they'll expect.
84. Because it's down to you.
85. Because you spend too much time on the Net and you don't want to develop keyboard withdrawal.
87. Because how else are you going to rebel?
88. Because you just want to, alright, ALRIGHT?!
89. Because you're too tense.
90. Because everyone you know needs convincing you're insane.
91. Because your parrot accused you of being boring.
92. Because you know at least "30 things to do before you're 30" that you haven't done.
93. Because you need good reference material.
94. Because you want to create a false identity.
95. Because you want to prove you can.
96. Because you feel like everyone's ignoring you.
97. Because you want to improve your crime sheet.
98. Because you have a very evil punch recipe.
99. Because because because because... because of the wonderful things it does! (see Wizard of Oz)
100. Because you need to work on your purity test score.