Showing posts with label cigarette. Show all posts

Sunday, March 24, 2013

ONE MORE ALL ROUND JOKES

On arriving home, Norm was met at the door by his sobbing wife, Cheri' who tearfully explained, "It was the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Norm immediately drove in to town to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before Norm could say no more than a few words, the druggist hollered, "Now, just a minute, you hold on! Please just listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I got up late. I had no breakfast and hurried half dressed, out to the car, only to realize that I had just locked the house with both house and car keys inside.

I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. and then three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up, and I started waiting on them, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook."

The druggist continued, "Then breaking a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, I spilled them all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the damn phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles all of them fell to the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the damn phone is has not stopped ringing for a second and when I finally got to answer it. It was your wife, Cheri' wanting to know how to use a digital rectal thermometer... and honest Norm, all I did was really tell her!"

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"

The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

What's that?" he asks.

She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof the wish was granted, leaving the other of the two to yell angrily, "Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?" The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."

Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba." The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.
Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba. The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know." "What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician. "Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "

A person walks up to a man on the street and begins to ask him questions...
How many eyes does a rooster have?
"Two..."
"You're sure?"
"Yes..."
How many wings does a rooster have?
"Two..."
Your sure?
"Yes..."
How many ribs does a cat have?
"Not quite sure..."
Your sure?
"Yeah, sorry, no idea!"
Well how come you know so much more about cock than pussy?!

SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

He who runs behind a car is exhausted.

He who stands on the toilet is high on pot.

Man: "God, why you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you!"

Old McDonald sittin' on a bench,
poking his balls with a monkey wrench.
The wrench got small, it broke his balls,
and he pissed all over his overalls.

There are a lot of people who can't understand how we ran out of oil here in the USA.
Well, here's the answer: It's simple... nobody bothered to check the oil. Didn't know we
were getting low. And of course the reason for that is geographical. All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma and Alaska, and all the dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

Women's T-shirts
1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
2. All stressed out and no one to choke.
3. And your point is...
4. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
5. Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
6. You KNOW you want me.
7. Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
8. Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
9. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
10. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
12. I hate everybody, and you're next.
13. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
14. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
15. Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in flight, though somewhat erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the man. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures." The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know." The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?" The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?". The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

Driving home from visiting Grandma one Sunday, Dad tuned the radio to a country and western station. "How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights and broken hearts." Knowing he preferred rock 'n' roll, Dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?" "That's the beauty of it," the son said. "You just don't know!"

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to pee....

Q. How did they know ET was a Rangers fan?
A. He looked like one.

Little Johnny was in science class. the professor was conducting an experiment to show the dangers of liquor. he had one glass of water and one glass of wine. so the professor starts the experiment and he sticks one worm in the water.. and its floating and looks happy. he sticks the other worm in the wine and it looks like it is struggling to breathe and then it sinks to the bottom and it is dead. so the professor asks" what was this suppose to teach you children" no one raises their hand to answer but the little Johnny raises his hand and says "drink liquor and you wont get worms"

A missionary suddenly realized that the one thing he hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands. "My bike," the chief replied.

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do
the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was
able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said :-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"

The Short History of Medicine

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work any more. Here, eat this root.

Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

Have you read the book...
1. Run to the Outhouse by Willie Makeit, Betty Wont, Andy Didnt
2. Flood in the Bathroom by Won Lang Pee
3. Yellow River by I.P. Freely
4. Jump off a Cliff by Hugo First
5. Sliding down the banister by R. Arse Tornaway
6. Beautiful Behinds by Seamore Butts
7. Butt Fitness by Hugh Jass
8. Love Secrets by Amanda Hugnkiss

A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom. The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough." The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly." The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."

City Boy: Say, Dad, how many types of milk are there?

Father: Well, there's evaporated milk, buttermilk, malted milk, and -- but why do you ask?

City Boy: Oh, I'm drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many "spigots" to put on her.

Hearts and roses and kisses galore... What the hell is all of that shit for? People get mushy and start acting queer. It is definitely the most annoying day of the year. This day needs to get the hell over with and pass. Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass. I'll spend the day so drunk that I just can't speak. And wear only black for the rest of the week. Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade. For all they are doing is trying to get laid. The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit. Because I think love is a big crock of shit. So here is my story...what else can I say? Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!

When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Job Applicant Code

What job applicants really mean on their applications and resumes and in employment interviews

"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac.

When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell otherpeople what to do.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I'veused Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask
me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokesand I tell them badly.

"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited persona advice to co-workers.

"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.

"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job.
I'm outta there.

"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.

"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of
sexual harassment.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!

"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

On The Job Wisdom

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company
someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to
budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you don't succeed--try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

Eight signs you have nothing to do at work

1.You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar

2.You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

3.You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

4.You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

5.People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

6.No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

7.You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

8.The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

Office Dares

ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2. Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).

3. Ignore the first five people who say "good morning" to you.

4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your nameand say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye".

5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"

7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way."

8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did youget all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."

3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from thenozzle (there must be a "non-player" within sight).

5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT OFFICE DARES

1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would benice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watchyou with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob."

4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."

5. After every sentence, say "mon" in a really bad Jamaican accent, i.e., "the report's on your desk, mon." Keep this up for one hour.

6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again."

9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights?"

10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

13. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.\

14. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Stuff to Think Of

These are some of the things I think about when I'm home alone
and the TV is broken.

* Why is an orange the only fruit named after its color? Or was
the color named after the fruit?

* Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

* Do they have reserved parking for regular people at the
Special Olympics?

* Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

* Is a computer virus covered by Medicare?

* How do you know when a Smurf suffocates?

* If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
words?

* In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the
same?

* Where do swear words come from?

* Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

* Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

* Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

* How does skating on thin ice get you into hot water?

* Why do they have signs at Burger King that say, "Picture menus
available for those who need them"? If you can't read, how can
you ask for a picture menu?

* If a case of the clap spreads is it called applause?

* Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

* Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

* Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

* Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?

* Why is it called "after dark", when it is really after light?

* Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become
the expected?

* If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUp?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* Why do they report power outages on TV? I mean, duh!

* If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before
approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth
chart?

* If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a
hard-sleeper sleep with?

* Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?

* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

10 reasons why sex is better than School

1. Everbody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for
virgins and only because they haven't had sex yet.

2. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, throbs etc..., school just
sucks.

3. After sex you feel like smoking a cigarette. After school you
feel like smoking something a whole lot stronger.

4. You get disciplined during sex only if you want to.

5. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people
to drink.

6. Sex releives stress, school is the cause of stress.

7. Nothing beats the "hands on" experience you get with sex.

8. After sex you feel like you have accomplished something.

9. Sex is cheaper. Even if you have to pay for a hooker, it is
still cheaper than paying thousands of dollars in tuition.

10. At least you have a choice whether or not you want to have
sex. At school your teachers screw you regardless!!!

You Might Be a School Teacher if...

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium
salt lick.

2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to
work 9 to 3:20 and have summers free."

4. You believe chocolate is a food group.

5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

6. You believe "Shallow Gene Pool" should have it's own box on
the report card.

7. You have no life from August to June.

8. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone
says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

9. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at
children you don't know and correct their behavior.

10. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life so much
simpler.

11. When you mention "Vegetables" you are not talking food
groups.

12. You think people should be required to get a government
permit before being allowed to reproduce.

13. You wonder how some parents ever managed to reproduce.

14. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.

15. You encourage obnoxious parents to look into charter schools
or home schooling.

16. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without
having taught in the elementary setting for the last 10 years.

17. You can't have children because there's no name you could
give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the
moment you heard it uttered.

18. You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

19. Your personal life comes to an screeching halt at report
card time.

20. Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question,
"Why is this kid like this."

Funny side of the world

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