Reasons To Be Single

Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.

I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.

I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.

I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".

I'd be painting the town instead of the house.

When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.

I could show my girlfriend where I live.

I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.

The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.

I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.

I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!

I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.

I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.

You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!

Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.

Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.

I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.

I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.

I could use my own name at hotels.

I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.

When asked his opinion, a single guy can say "Hell yes, you're fat!".

 

Biggest Lies

This is the biggest collection, of the world's biggest lies ever told...

The check is in the mail.

I'll respect you in the morning.

I'm from your government, and I am here to help you. 

It's only a cold sore. 

You get this one, I'll pay next time. 

My wife doesn't understand me. 

Trust me, I'll take care of everything. 

Of course I love you. 

I am getting a divorce. 

Drinking? Why, no, Officer. 

I never inhaled. 

It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. 

I never watch television except for PBS. 

...but we can still be good friends. 

She means nothing to me. 

Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty." 

I gave at the office. 

Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone. 

I'll call you later.

We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year. 

Read my lips: no new taxes. 

I've never done anything like this before. 

Now, I'm going to tell you the truth. 

It's supposed to make that noise. 

I *love* your new _____! 

...then take a left. You can't miss it. 

Yes, I did. 

Don't worry, it's OK - I'm sterile.

Alcohol At Work

Here are some pretty solid reasons why alcohol should be served at work...

It's an incentive to show up.

It leads to more honest communications.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It encourages car pooling.

Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes fellow employees look better.

It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

Sitting "bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

Not having to worry about your wife being mad when you come home wasted - its your job!

Any sick days taken would be completely genuine.

you can take longer and more frequent bathroom breaks.

Product Wording

This is a list of what all the advertising terms on products really mean...

NEW - Different color from previous design.

ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.

EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.

UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.

FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.

ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.

FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.

FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.

REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.

DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor.

YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.

BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.

MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.

MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.

SOLID-STATE - Heavy as hell.

LESS FATTENING - Now doesn't have the same fat content as pig stomach lining.

HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

NON-REFUNDABLE - We couldn't make it work long enough to ship it.

FAT FREE - You pay for the food, but the fat is free.

Help Line Loser

If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :

"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Pleasing IT

How to Please Your I.T. Department

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

Future Of Microsoft

As we "celebrate" the first 25 years of Microsoft, we take a look ahead at what the future holds for the next 25 years at Microsoft...

2001 .NET system goes online, human decisions are removed from the office environment.
2001 2:14am, August 29th, .NET become self-aware, corporations try to pull the plug but it's too late, .NET strikes back.
2002 Internet Explorer 6.0 for Windows released.
2004 Supreme Court rules to break up Microsoft.
2005 President Gates disbands Supreme Court, orders break up of Sun Microsystems, IBM and Oracle.
2006 Windows 2004 released.
2007 Microsoft purchases Napster-Disney-Cisco-Coke-Ford-Avis to compete with Oracle-AOL-3Com-Pepsi-GM-Hertz and GE.
2008 Windows NT 4.0 Service Pack 84 released.
2009 Gates' second term as President begins.
2010 Microsoft Office surpasses the 18 Terabyte mark.
2012 Windows 2010 Service Pack 1 released.
2013 Windows 2010 released.
2015 Microsoft releases Internet Explorer 6.0 for Apple Macintosh.
2016 Microsoft enhances their only innovation by introducing the "Red Screen of Death."
2020 Bill Gates purchases Linus Torvalds.
2021 Researchers develop first crash-proof operating system, then destroy it. They are just that evil.
2024 Microsoft genetic engineers realize Bill Gates' childhood dream and develop the first talking rabbit.
2025 A reunited Backstreet Boys perform at the 50th anniversary of the founding of Microsoft.

Helpdesk Log

Monday
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...

8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive C." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!

11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access
database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */ALL.

12:00 pm
Lunch

3:30 pm
Return from lunch.

3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.

4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.

4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.

Tuesday
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to
personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.

1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"

1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix
it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.

2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day. 

Wednesday
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00 am
Lunch.

4:55 pm
Return from lunch.

5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.

Thursday
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.

8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server
is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!

11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.

1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

Friday
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.

9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.

9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.

11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment
with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"

11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.

12:00 am
Lunch.

1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.

1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases.

4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.

5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.

  MORE WISDOM

 

With my grandmother was seriously ill in the hospital, I asked her if she'd given any thought about euthanasia. She said she didn't really care about Chinese teenagers right now.

Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate:
1.

I say tomato you say tomato. Doesn't quite have the same effect online.

I had my house inspected by an expert interior decorator. She told me that the whole house was fine, apart from the room at the top of the house. I think it might be a little problem attic.

I need to find a new source of electricity. Not happy with my current supplier.

I dont really know much about computers, but my idea of a hard drive is an hour in the car with my wife.

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on reverse psychology! The librarian says, "You don't want to read that".

Then I asked for a book on homeopathy and the librarian said there were a few pages here and there throughout the library.

You need to have eyes in the back of your head when you've got kids. In hindsight, I wish I'd never had any.

I'm seeing a therapist to help with my kleptomania, and I have taken something valuable away from every session.

My shrink is helping with my fear of money. He's raising his rates.

I bought a treadmill today. It's giving me a run for my money.

I think men who lose their penis should be remembered.

Did you hear about the bird that was born without a beak? He was born to succeed.

I was messing around with my buddy at the pottery factory yesterday and we got locked in the kiln. The boss fired us both.

A friend of mine is known for going round to peoples houses and stealing pictures of them. It's a poor trait.

I got kicked out of aerobics class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

I went into the changing room several times, but it was still the same.

I came up with a way of getting coal out of the ground. Hope no one else thinks of the same idea - it's mine.

I complained to the city council that the street I live on has no name. They said they'll address it at the next board meeting.

My three unwritten rules :
1.
2.
3.

I've just been diagnosed with Sausagephobia. I fear the wurst.

Trust undertakers: They're the last people to let you down.

It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's still all fun and games, just without depth perception.

You know you're fat when you get on a rowing machine and it sinks.

I lost my wife to quicksand. Took a while to sink in.

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages. For example, in Korea a dog makes a sizzling noise.

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

If I ever got the chance to name a street, I'd call it 'Skin Road'. Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with his pencil.

My parents went to Southeast Asia and all I got was this Laosy t-shirt.

The bra section. The only place in the world where you fail if you get an A.

90% of communication is done through body language. Which is why its really easy to lie to blind people.

What's longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage? Justin Bieber's chest hair.

My ex-wife and I settled our divorce in a very fair way and divided the house in two. She got the inside, I got the outside.

Some people say that dolphins are the most well adapted animal, but they can't hold a candle to us humans. No thumbs.

Christians believe that the Virgin Mary was somehow taken into heaven by God without actually dying. That's the Assumption, anyway.

My wife said she will write "Lazy Ass" on my headstone. Over my dead body!

I'm a big fan of Sarah Palin. Sorry, parasailing.

I'm as confused as a dyslexic man trying to sing 'Respect'!

I just had a boxing match with a Star Wars character. I won, Han's down.

No one ever disappears into fat air.

I invented a time machine but it only takes you back in time. The guy in the patents office couldn't see any future in it.

People call me an alcoholic but I only consume alcohol twice a year! When it's my birthday and when it's not my birthday.

How many squares are there on a chess board? Usually two, facing each other.

I was perfectly happy in Mississippi, then Mr. Sippi came back early from a business trip.

I helped a small child out just so I could get a better look at his mom. Thankfully she never realized I wasn't the midwife.

Imagine a world without made up scenarios.

My ice business got liquidated due to a power outage.

I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution - 1024x768.

When someone prays for a flood to stop, they're basically saying, "God, dam it."

I've been meaning to pay my gas and electricity bill. But I just don't have the energy.

I've had my application rejected for a job with NASA. There was no space for me.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

A man walks into a brothel and asks, "Is that Hortense over there?" The Madam replies, "She looks perfectly relaxed to me."

I came home from work last night to find a police officer rooting through my CD rack. Turns out we'd been burgled and he was just looking for Prince.

Jesus died for our sins, so if we don't sin, he died for nothing.

According to North Korean press, Kim Jong Il has entered a sleeping contest.

I can see into the future, but only good things. I'm an optimystic.

By and large, the women involved in online dating are bi, and large.

My TV screen went black today. I can't get it to go back.

If your horse goes too fast, you mustang on.

I went to the furniture store and was browsing about for a while. A woman then came up and said, "What is it you are looking for?" I said, "One night stand." She called security.

My best friend's really easy going. He has irritable bowels.

Some people will never change. Like a nun, same clothes everyday.

I will never forget my childhood summers, when we would climb into old tires and roll down the hills. They were goodyears.

Who here knows how to perform with sock puppets? Can I have a show of hands?

Whenever I go out sightseeing I like to take a few pictures. Yesterday I got a Picasso.

I'm about to launch an online taxi firm. I just need to download the drivers.

Wearing glasses makes me look better.

There was a programmer in our workplace that got employee of the month and got promoted. He got arrays.

Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? Of Corsican.

It's a well known fact that Adolf Hitler loved dogs and other animals. He was, after all, a veteran Aryan.

My wife went through the roof when she stumbled upon my secret explosives collection in the attic.

People who have no index fingers are pointless.

My wife is thinking about getting a flu shot but I refused to give her advice. I just didn't want to influenza decision.

Took me 2 hours to grill a chicken yesterday but still couldn't get it to tell me why it crossed the road.

Every house needs a door, and that's where I come in.

I've just received a doctors appointment regarding my constipation. Unfortunately I can't go.

I decided to be more considerate of my neighbors. In fact, I went over and knocked on their door and told them at 4 o'clock this morning.

So we were seeing who's laptop could burn a disc the fastest. It was a discrace.

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

I've come up with an idea for a spray that clears the air of all smells. I went to the patent office and the guy said; "This is madness!" "No." I said. "This is Non-Scents."

I pretend there are bits floating in my orange juice. Pulp Fiction.

I just got thrown out of our local hospital for misusing a breast-scanning unit. Or Binoculars, as the Security Guard insisted on calling them.

If that kid next door doesn't stop playing the drums, there will be serious repercussions.

The wife kept saying the same thing over and over again. Turns out it was just a phrase she was going through.

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

For his 70th Birthday treat, Stephen Hawking's caregiver arranged for him to go out on a date, when he returned later that evening he was all covered in cuts and bruises, his caretaker asked him, "what the hell happened?" He replied, "She stood me up!"

A new survey shows that a fifth of American men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine. I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.

I think I had something at lunchtime that disagreed with me. In fact I know I did - I was having dinner with my wife and her mother.

I'd hate to be the Captain of the Costa Concordia. He is in deep water. Which paradoxically, where he should have been in the first place.

I really wanted to re-marry the woman I divorced years ago, but she said I was only after my money.

How do you tell if someone owns an Apple product? Just wait, they will tell you.

I just called the S&M hotline but no one answered. They're probably all tied up.

My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique.

I was walking down the street the other day, and a guy called me over to him. When I got there he said "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else." I said, "I was."

I've been studying abroad for two years now. She still doesn't know.

Someone stole my coffee cup from work on Friday. Just heading down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

What's the difference between a rocker and a jazz man? A rocker plays 3 chords in front of 3,000 people, and a jazz man plays 3,000 chords in front of 3 people.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

Even though I needed to use the bathroom I decided to try to hold it in so I could stay at the track to watch the last horse race. Number two won.

I went to the Natural History Museum and saw the two bees that Noah supposedly took with him. They were in the archives.

When I die, I want my last words to be, "I left $400,000 under the..."

I just looked up the word "indescribable" - ironically it's a describing word.

I've penned a few great novels in my time. I think that's why I'm not allowed in the library any more.

The local town executioner has had his basket stolen. Heads are going to roll!

I'm so much better at starting things than finishing them. That said,

Health Related True Facts

Absolutely True!

The safest number of times to reuse a disposable razor is only 3. Disposable razors have thinner blades than other razors, and are thus more prone to producing microscopic cuts in the skin. The longer you keep using a disposable razor, the more germs it will collect, and the greater the chance that a nick will become infected.

When you walk uphill, the level of harmful fats in the bloodstream goes down. When you walk downhill, blood sugar levels are reduced. Alter your patterns of exercise depending on your health needs!

90% of the calories in cream cheese come from fat! It's the most fattening cheese.

Make sure your television set is securely supported if you have young children in your house. At least 28 kids were killed by toppling television sets in 1997.

If you have an impaired immune system, don't eat alfalfa sprouts. Some sprouts have caused outbreaks of E. Coli and salmonella!

Coffee does not increase the risk of heart attacks. A recent study showed that even 4 or more cups daily didn't increase heart attack risk.

Sweet potatoes contain no more calories than white potatoes, and virtually no fat.

As people age, they burn fewer calories. This often results in increased body fat and loss of muscle. All it takes, however, is a brisk 2 mile walk daily to balance energy intake and energy needs.

If you have symptoms of a heart attack, such as chest pain, chew and swallow one adult aspirin tablet (325 mg) immediately, while you seek medical help. If you have only baby aspirin at home, chew four of them.

The number one vegetable in the US is the potato. Per capita consumption is 84 pounds each year! One third of those end up as french fries. 5% are in the form of potato chips.

Knuckle cracking does NOT cause arthritis, enlarged joints or any other harm. It's just irritating to some people.

Many studies show that married people tend to be healthier than unmarried ones. One theory is that being married encourages healthy behavior, such as wearing seat belts, being physically active and having blood pressure checked.

Watch out for cars turning left at traffic lights! A high proportion of accidents (with other cars or pedestrians) involve a left-turning vehicle!

If you order a shake at a fast food restaurant, the good news is: a 16 ounce shake provides about 400 mg of calcium. The bad news: it also supplies about 400 to 600 calories and at least 9 grams of fat!

Measure your waist to find out if you are at risk for weight-related health problems. For women, a waist measurement of 34 1/2 inches signals a serious risk. For men, the cutoff point is 40 inches.

Watch out! Grapefruit juice can greatly boost the concentration of certain drugs in the bloodstream. These include some popular cholesterol-lowering drugs, calcium channel-blockers, tranquilizers and some antihistamines.

If you drive with a small child in your car, make sure you use the child safety seat properly! Only about 60% of children age 4 or younger ride in such seats! In addition, 80% of these safety seats are improperly used.

Per-capita Mozzarella cheese consumption has risen five-fold since 1972. Mozzarella is the second most popular cheese, next to cheddar.

Walkers and hikers who apply an aluminum-containing antiperspirant to their feet daily for at least three days before a long hike can reduce the risk of blisters!

If you take more than 500 mg of calcium supplements daily, take half later in the day. The body absorbs smaller amounts of calcium much more efficiently than large doses. Taking the calcium with meals also improves absorption.

Moderate exercise may reduce the risk of gallstone attacks by 20 to 40%! People who watch more than 40 hours of TV per week have double the risk of gallstone symptoms compared to those watching little TV.

Disinfect your loofah sponge occasionally with diluted bleach. Sponges like this can become contaminated with bacteria that can cause skin irritation.

High-fiber foods are recommended on weight-loss diets because they're filling and nutritious. In addition, boosting your fiber intake reduces the number of calories your body absorbs from the food you eat!

If all adult American smokers had quit five years ago, there would have been an estimated 15% fewer overall deaths in the United States since then, according to a study from Rutgers University.

An easy way to tell about your sun protection in the summer: if your shadow is shorter than your height, it's sunburn time. In most parts of the country, that's between 10 am and 4 pm.

If a lightning storm occurs, you are safe in a car with a solid metal top with the windows and doors shut, as long as you aren't touching a metal part of the car! A bad place to stand is right outside the car during the storm. Never stand under a lone tree in a lightning storm. A forest is safer.

Don't let the fact that you are using a tanning lotion give you a false sense of security in the sun. You need a sunscreen with an SPF (sun protection factor) of at least 15 in the summer for adequate protection.

A 1992 study found that men are much less likely to discover skin lesions than women, which may help explain why men are more likely to die from this dangerous type of skin cancer. Men should make a special effort to examine their skin, especially on their backs, for signs of melanoma.

Don't assume that darker sunglasses block more ultraviolet (UV) rays. A dark tint is desirable because it blocks more visible light, but the color in no guarantee to UV protection.

It is important to have an advance directive (including a living will) in case of medical emergency. It's also important to make sure it is accessible to your doctor and at least one close relative.

Be careful when using bungee cords this summer; elastic cords with metal hooks at each end. These cords can easily snap and hit you in the eye, causing serious injury.

Vitamin C and E pills may protect against sunburn and thus possibly reduce the risk of skin cancer. But it does not replace a good sunscreen.

If you take chewable Vitamin C tablets, make sure you brush your teeth afterwards, or at least rinse your mouth out. The tablets make your mouth acidic enough to start dissolving tooth enamel.

Don't expect pounds shed in a commercial weight loss program to stay off - they almost always come back. The strongest predictor of maintaining weight loss is regular exercise. The best predictor of weight regain: frequent television viewing!

Nasal dilators, those tape strips along the bridge of your nose (you often see athletes wearing these) will not boost your athletic performance. There's no scientific evidence that these strips help people play longer, better or harder.

Women trying to conceive improve their chances if they give up alcohol. In one study, women who had consumed only one to five drinks a week were 60% as likely to conceive as non-drinkers. At more than 10 drinks per week, the chances fell to 34%!

More than 500,000 Americans are injured and 300 die each year while using ladders. Keep in mind the 4-and-1 rule; for every 4 feet the ladder rises up the wall, the base of the ladder should extend 1 foot from the wall!

Licking a wound actually does promote healing. Saliva helps disinfect wounds and kills bacteria.

What you do during the first few hours after you've sprained your ankle or pulled a muscle can determine whether you're back to your normal routine quickly or still hobbling a week later. The key is ICE, applied as soon as possible.

It may be impossible for many people to attain a flat stomach. Even if you're very thin, your internal organs are inside your abdomen. The flatness of your stomach in many cases depends on your genes.

Remove the skin from chicken if you're counting fat calories. If you don't eat the skin, you can reduce the fat content of a chicken breast by 3/4, and it's half the calories. By the way, dark meat without the skin still has 2 to 3 times as much fat as a skinless chicken breast.

Even though the average life expectancy in Japan, France and other countries is longer than the United States, if you reach age 80, statistically you have a greater chance of living longer in the United States.

If you buy tofu, only buy commercially sealed packages. Tofu (soybean curd) is often sold floating in open, unrefrigerated trays of water, which invite bacteria to grow and puts you at risk for gastrointestinal illness.

A tight tie can affect a glaucoma exam; if you're having your eyes checked, you shouldn't wear a tie all day.

Don't use home tooth-bleaching kits. These contain ingredients that can injure gums and other soft tissue of the mouth. They also can make you sick if you swallow them.

To minimize crying while slicing onions, put a piece of bread in your mouth! This may absorb some of the fumes.

Smoking does NOT keep people thin, according to a study of 4,000 people ages 18 to 30. Weight gain was common (averaging 2 pounds per year), whether the person smokes or not!

20% of airline passengers catch a cold after a two-hour flight.

Do you know why eyes often turn red in a photograph? Blood. Really. The little black dot in the middle of your eye is not black. It’s clear, it only looks black because there’s no light coming from behind it for illumination. However, when a flash goes off, the light enters the eye and reflects off of what it finds. It finds blood vessels, blood is red, and that’s what reflects.

To test how much fat is in a cracker, rub it over a paper napkin. If the cracker leaves a grease mark, there's lots of oil in it. Even if the cracker contains unsaturated vegetable oil, you don't need that extra fat!

Swimming is a great fitness activity. One reason is the water cools the body very efficiently, allowing for more exercise and less fatigue.

Alcohol can be a double whammy for hip fractures in older people; not only does excessive drinking increase the risk of falls, but it also decreases bone density.

If you're taking a daily low-dose aspirin for heart protection, you should take a full-sized 325mg aspirin twice a month. This additional dose further reduces the risk of clots.

The incidence of Type 2 diabetes (the most common form of diabetes) has increased dramatically over the last ten years. This increase is due to the fact that Americans are living longer, are getting fatter and are less physically active.

Caregivers who take care of a spouse for long hours have an increased risk of heart disease. The emotional strain (as well as potential financial strain) often makes caregivers take less time to look after their own health.

It's estimated that 10 to 15 million Americans are allergic to cockroaches. Skin irritation, hay fever symptoms, or asthma are some of the problems associated with cockroach allergy.

Aspartame has been studied more than any other food additive. 

Women have a keener sense of smell than men do, and it's particularly acute at the time of ovulation.

If you occasionally feel faint when standing up, try raising your arms over your head before you get up.

Only half of Americans with hypertension (high blood pressure) are being treated for it, and only half of those being treated have it under control. Nearly one third of those with high blood pressure don't even know they have it!

Second hand smoke is dangerous to people, but also to your pets. Cats and dogs are more likely to suffer from lung cancer and lymphoma if their owners smoke.

Most people cannot tell if and when they have bad breath unless someone tells them. If you often have bad breath, brush your tongue, especially if it looks coated. Be sure to brush the back of the tongue.

American men who turn 65 this year can expect to live another 16 years. Women, another 19 years.

Locally baked muffins, brownies and cookies almost always weigh more than their labels say, often 20% more! This may account for the often substantial underestimation of calories on the labels.

Brown eggs are not more nutritious than white eggs. The color of the egg shell is nothing more than indication of the breed from which it came.

A woman who starts smoking increases her risk of a heart attack twice as much as a man who starts. Woman have a lower risk of heart attack than men, especially in middle age, but smoking narrows this gender gap.

Chocolate may be a more effective cough remedy than cough medicine, according to a study at Imperial College London.

Though it has lots of calcium, yogurt contains no vitamin D. Milk is fortified with D, and is the major dietary source of it, but the milk that yogurt is made from isn't fortified. Vitamin D helps the body utilize calcium and build bone.

Skinless duck breast has less fat than skinless chicken breast, ounce for ounce.

Eat a potato with its skin - but pare away any green areas, trim visible blemishes and gouge out any sprouts. A potato's skin contains most of its iron, calcium and fiber. Ounce for ounce, the skin is the most nutritous part! The greenish hue on a potato is chlorophyll, a tip-off that too much solanine may be present. Solanine is bitter, and can produce headache, cramps and diarrhea if eaten in large quantities. Potato sprouts also contain lots of solanine, so avoid them.

To choose the best oranges, make sure it feels heavy for its size. That usually means more juice and more flavor.

Eating fruits and vegetables rich in antioxidants (such as vitamins C, E and beta carotene) may keep lungs healthy and thus reduces the risk of asthma, emphysema, and chronic bronchitis. This benefit is less for smokers.

Ounce for ounce, green peppers have three times more Vitamin C than oranges.

American MALE drivers are three times more likely to be killed in a car crash, but American FEMALE drivers are slightly more likely to be in a crash on a per-mile basis. Generally, men drive faster and take more risks, which may account for the average severity of crashes.

Corn, tomatoes and carrots actually have more nutrients after being canned than when raw.

Caffeine boosts the analgesic effect of aspirin or ibuprofen (Motrin). That's why it is added to some products (like Excedrin). But you can simply take a pain reliever with a caffeinated beverage such as coffee, tea or cola to get the same effect!

Both green and black tea have enough flouride to fight tooth decay. Some studies show that tea, if you drink it daily over a lifetime, may also prevent heart disease and cancer.