MALE OR FIMALE

Coffee is better than Women.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

~ Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.
~ You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.
~ Coffee never runs out.
~ No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
~ You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
~ When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
~ Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
~ Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.
~ White men can take black coffee home to their parents.
~ Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it.
~ You can always heat up coffee.
~ Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.
~ If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
~ Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

Ladies Tee-shirt blurbs!

Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.
Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time.
Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time!
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

Male/Female Definitions!

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 min.

5 Questions that put FEAR into a Man!

The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1...What are you thinking about?
2...Do you love me?
3...Do I look fat?
4...Do you think she is prettier than me?
5...What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).

As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following:
a...Baseball.
b...Football.
c...How fat you are.
d...How much prettier she is than you.
e...How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
a...Oh Yeah, crap loads.
b...Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c...That depends on what you mean by love.
d...Does it matter?
e...Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a...Compared to what?
b...I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c...A little extra weight looks good on you.
d...I've seen fatter.
e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:

a...Yes, but you have a better personality.
b...Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c...Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d...Define pretty.
e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat").
WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).

Women Bashing (oh-oh)

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

Why do men like air-headed women?
Opposites attract.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

How do you blind a woman?
Put a windshield in front of her face.

How many men does it take to mop a floor?
None. It's a woman's job.

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!

Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!

How many women does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
Marry a new one !!

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

Jokes for the Ladies!

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A: The bonds mature.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know; it has never happened.

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A Widow.

Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What did God say after creating Adam?
A: I must be able to do better than that.

Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: "Practice makes perfect."

Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They are married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

If Men TRULY Ruled The World!

"If Men TRULY Ruled the World!"...

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history!

The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Two words..."Ally McNaked".

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Garbage would take itself out.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

When your wife/girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

The Typical Male Decision Process!

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money,and then he makes his decision.
Which women did he choose?
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The one with the largest breasts!

Restroom wall graffiti!

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here -
Your asshole is in Washington!
* Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
* Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
* Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's,Beverly Hills, CA

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
* Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY

The perfect couple.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

***Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
***Men keep scrolling







So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident.


By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

What men say & what it

"I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means...."The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

"That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means...."You want me to stay awake?"

"That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means...."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means...."I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means...."I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means...."I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means...."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means...."What did you catch me doing?"

"I heard you." Really means...."I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"You look terrific." Really means...."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I missed you." Really means...."I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means...."I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.

"We share the housework." Really means...."I make the messes, you clean them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means...."You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

NEVER ENOUGH GENDER JOKES...

Top 100 reasons its better to be a woman

1.     we can get laid anytime we want
2. we never have to buy our own drinks at the bar
3. we piss sitting down so its easier to pass out on the toilet when you're drunk
4. we get out of speeding tickets by crying
5. we get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg
6. we can sleep our way to the top of the class
7. we get to shop at Victoria's Secret
8. we can marry rich and then not have to work
9. we never have to pay when we go out on dates
10. men take us on all expense paid trips- all we have to do is sleep with them
11. men light our cigarettes for us
12. men hold the door open for us
13. we pout better (those puppy dog eyes always work!)
14. we're cuter
15. we lie better
16. we're better manipulators
17. we always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves- you guys get the couch
18. we always have food in the fridge
19. when we cook, it doesn't precede a trip to the ER or a visit from the fire dept
20. we always get to choose the movie
21. we don't have to mow the lawn
22. we don't have to take out the garbage
23. we don't have to paint the house or walls
24. PMS- yet another excuse to bitch at men
25. cosmopolitan
26. we can con our way out of anything- not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole
27. men unlock our side of the car first- a real bonus when its cold
28. PMS is a legal defense for murder
29. men are like tiles, lay em right the first time ya can walk all over em forever
30. we can masturbate more in a day than men
31. 2 words- multi orgasmic
32. we don't have to constantly adjust our genitals
33. sweat is sexy on us
34. we never run out of excuses
35. you guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often
36. doggie style- that way we get to watch the game too
37. we get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back
38. we get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time cuz men fuck up so often
39. we can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner
40. women are cleaner
41. women have more than one erogenous zone (in case you guys didn't know)
42. we're better arguers
43. we don't always have to think with our genitals
44. massage!!!!
45. we're better parents
46. we never have to sit home alone on a weekend night
47. there's never a shortage of ready, willing and able men
48. we're flexible
49. when women get pissed we don't destroy property or hurt people- we just take it out on the world in general because we can
50. menopause- thank god we're not capable of having children after we're 50
51. menstruation- just another excuse to use so we can say "no" to sex
52. men in uniform
53. there is no penis envy
54. we can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because there's no messy clean-up
55. it generally takes us less to get drunk
56. we have a higher tolerance to pain
57. we often get to cut in line
58. most women actually look good in short shorts- men DON'T
59. better tips
60. women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, its rather disgusting
61. we have mastered civilized eating- we don't embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public
62. women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting- thank god for long pants and perfume!
63. we can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want
64. we don't have excessive amounts of body hair
65. we don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet
66. men will pay us for sex
67. smoking the seeds in marijuana doesn't make us sterile
68. we can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return
69. men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time, but we can have sex with an entire football team at once if we want
70. men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us
71. women sweat less
72. women smell better
73. when women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on flowers or cards- a blowjob and sex fixes all
74. men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats
75. women don't get the humor in the three stooges
76. women have three accessible holes
77. we don't get embarrassed when buying tampons
78. we're better gossips
79. we have better fashion sense
80. we're better shoppers
81. we don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man
82. our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone
83. men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and i'm not gonna tell you)
84. we're all sittin on a gold mine- we know it and use it to our extreme advantage
85. we don't have to drive when on a date
86. an ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable- ugly men are just fucked
87. women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn" line
88. women know how fake it
89. women look better naked
90. we know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing
91. when women are short, we're petite, when men are short, they're just short
92. women do less time for violent crime
93. women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up
94. an oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night
95. women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye"
96. women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood
97. women never have to see combat
98. the remote control is not an extension of ourselves
99. women are sexier
100. we can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!

100 Ways to Be a Man

(100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)


1. Don't call, ever.

2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.

3. Lie.

4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike".

5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.

6. Here's a good pickup line,: "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?

7. Drink Vernors.

8. Play with yourself. Talk about it.

9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.

10. Always remember: you are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.

11. Lie.

12. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask. People will think you have no penis.

13. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

14. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.

15. If you don't like a girl but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like: "I don't know. I just don't like her personality."

16. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.

17. If, GOD FOrbiD, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

18. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.

19. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in urine.

20. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her.

21. Tell her you will call, then refer back to Rule 1.

22. Say things like "Wha...?"

23. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked them out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

24. Lie.

25. Deny everything. Everything.

26. Good break up line: "it's not you, it's me."

27. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know.

28. Don't have a clue.

29. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

30. No means yes.

31. Yes means no.

32. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times.

33. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise.

34. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

35. Feelings? What feelings?

36. Tell this to your girl before you have sex: "don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."

37. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

38. Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to eradicate all of them from the planet.

39. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."

40. Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. Do so.

41. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.

42. Lie.

43. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. Don't even think about saying it.

44. A general rule: if whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

45. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.

46. Lie.

47. ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

48. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

49. Try to have a good memory but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's birthday and eye colour.

50. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you.

51. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

52. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex, semen, etc.

53. Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.

54. Lie.

55. Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

56. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know.

57. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

58. You are NOT a virgin, ever. Males are born without virginity.

59. You are male, therefore you are superior.

60. Agenda for a boring evening: get beer, drink beer, play with yourself, have sex, drink more beer, pass out.

61. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you.

62. Don't ever notice anything.

63. If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.

64. Basic fundamental rule of dating: quantity, not quality.

65. Basic fundamental rule of sex: quantity IS quality.

66. Lie.

67. If you cheat on a girl but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong.

68. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about anyway?

69. If the question begins with "why", the answer is "I don't know."

70. Women are your napkins. Use them and throw them away.

71. Remember: every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

72. If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault - not you.

73. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so". If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

74. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.

75. Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others.

76. Other people's pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud.

77. Lie.

78. General Rule: different is BAD.

79. If anyone asks you for a favour:- (a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it; (b) remind them of this huge favour you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

80. Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run.

81. If you do something really mean to a girl and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask: "is something wrong?"

82. Three words: "let's be friends". Translation: "I never want to speak to you again but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend."

83. Lie.

84. If you're on a date and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.

85. When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say: "God, I was such a pimp back then."

86. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell (true story).

87. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.

88. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top.

89. Practice your blank stare.

90. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.

91. If you're ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.

92. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say: "SEE? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

93. Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like: "no, Baby, I was BORN like this!"

94. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd or Oldies.

95. Beer, Then more beer.

96. Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

97. One word: FOOTBALL!

98. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we?

99. Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang".

100. Lie.

The Top 13 Signs your Bachelorette Party isn't going well

13. The male stripper you hired is moonlighting to supplement his full-time Sumo wrestling income.

12. Too much purging, not enough bingeing.

11. Obviously confused about your instructions, the dancer shows up wearing LEPER skin.

10. Someone spiked the punch with Summer's Eve.

9. The traditional game of "Famous Politicians I'd Sleep With" just took a turn for the serious with the arrival Mr. Starr and his subpoenas.

8. All those bags of WOW potato chips and Diet Sodas have given new meaning to the term, "spotting."

7. You knew that Daddy had taken a night job. You didn't know that Daddy's new job title was "Danny, the Firehose Dude."

6. One of your friends shows up late with the excuse that she had to give a quickie to some guy getting married next week.

5. You really didn't want your boss to "honor" you by volunteering to strip, but how can you say no to the President of the United States?

4. On your way to jail, you decide that ripping the pants off that "stripper" cop wasn't such a good idea.

3. Misunderstanding at entertainment agency results in a special appearance by Chip and Dale.

2. Your water breaks.

1. That damn Martha Stewart forgets to bring the pubic topiary centerpiece.

A Man's Answer to Every Question a Woman Ever Asks

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.


2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.


3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.


4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.


5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.


6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.


7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.


8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.


9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.


10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.


11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.


12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.


13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.


14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.


15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying?

How to Tell if You're a Woman

1. You're a Bitch.

2. When asked "Is something bothering you?" you reply "no," then get pissed off when you are believed.

3. You become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behaviour.
4. You always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. You always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business. For example, you say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend," when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend - whether it is possible or not!"

6. You whine.

7. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.

8. No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.

9. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

10. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

11. You complain.

12. You hate any bar he likes.

13. You demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love.

14. You declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life.

15. Any woman who so much as stares at your boyfriend is labelled a WHORE, and your network of friends is informed immediately to spread this 'fact' as quickly as possible.

16. You make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

17. You break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 2.

18. You ask for help in some endeavour then become livid when it is given.

19. You insinuate yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in.

20. You must have two sets of clothes: your "Fat Clothes" and your "Clothes I'm Going to Fit In Someday, I Swear". Still, you don't like any of them.

21. (Corollary to #4) You have three closets (plus two dressers and six boxes) full of clothes, yet you stand in front of them for three hours before an important dinner declaring, "I have nothing to wear."

22. You actually like the Lifetime cable channel.

23. Girls Night Out is a special treat. Boys Night Out is forbidden.

Buying Gifts for Men

Ladies: Need help Gift Shopping for the man in your life? Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)

Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Real Relationship

A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.

Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.

Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don't know, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else????


His story:

Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some lovin' though.

What women do to men

Man: If I could see you naked, I\'d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I\'d probably die laughing.

Man: Haven\'t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that\'s why I don\'t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I\'ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I\'m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what\'s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: Why aren\'t you married yet?
Woman: What? And spoil my great sex life?

Man: Why aren\'t you married yet?
Woman:Why aren\'t you thin?

Man: Why aren\'t you married yet?
Woman: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

Being a guy is tops...

Your arsenal is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don\'t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting shagged.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Princess Di\'s death was just another obituary.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. \'Nuff said...

You don\'t give a f**k if someone doesn\'t notice your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubes.

Wrinkles add character.

A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.

You don\'t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

People never glance at your chest when you\'re
talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don\'t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Porn films are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with \"So, notice anything different?\"

You can appreciate great sport.

You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hairdressers don\'t rob you blind.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You can leave a hotel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Everything on your face stays its original colour.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don\'t have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.

You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hour without ever thinking, \"He must be mad at me.\"

You don\'t mooch off other\'s desserts.

You can kill your own food.

If another bloke shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

You don\'t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don\'t have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

You can \"do\" your nails with a pocket-knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Same job... more pay.

THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH JOKES ABOUT WOMEN AND MEN ENJOY

Stranded on a Desert Island...

A rather inhibited engineer finallysplurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the “craziest” thing he had ever donein his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the hugeship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to alife preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, aspring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and forhours on end and sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, agorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

“I'm from the other side of the island,” she said. “Were you on the cruise ship, too?”

“Yes, I was,” he answered. “But where did you get that rowboat?”

“Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But, what did you use for tools?” asked the man, amazed.

“There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that'show I got the tools. But, enough of that,” she said. “Where have you been living all thistime? I don't see any shelter.”

“To be honest, I've just been sleepingon the beach,” he said.

“Would you like to come to my place?”the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side ofthe island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with aneat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree.There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

“It's not much, but I call it home.”Inside, she said, “Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”

“No, thanks,” said the man. “One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!”

“It won't be coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.”

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?”

“No,” the man replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.”

“Well if you'd like to shave, there's arazor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

“You look great,” said the woman. “I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable.”

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

“Tell me,” she asked, “We've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too... isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now...?”

“Yes there is,” the man replied, shucking off his shyness. “There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible.”

“Well, it's not impossible, anymore,” the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: “You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE?!”

The Rules (by Her)

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50

1.     Sag! You're it!

2.     Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

3.     20 questions shouted in your good ear.

4.     Kick the bucket.

5.     Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.

6.     Doc, doc, goose.

7.     Simon says something incoherent.

8.     Musical recliners.

9.     Spin the bottle of Mylanta.

10.                       Hide and go pee!

When Cats Are Like Men

• They are independent.
• They don't listen.
• They don't come in when you call.
• They like to stay out all night.
• When you are trying to get things done, they want your attention.
• When they are home, they like to be left alone and sleep.

Women's English

"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"It's your decision" = The correctdecision should be obvious by now

"Sure... go ahead"  = I don'twant you to

"I'm not upset"  = Of courseI'm upset, you moron!

"We need to talk"  = I needto complain

"You're certainly attentivetonight"  = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights"= I have flabby thighs

"This kitchen is so inconvenient"  = I want a new house

"I want new curtains"  = andcarpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

"I heard a noise"  = Inoticed you were almost asleep

"Do you love me?"  = I'm going to ask for something expensive

"How much do you love me?"  =I did something today you're really not going to like

"I'll be ready in a minute"  = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

"Is my butt fat?"  = Lie to me

"You have to learn tocommunicate"  = Just agree with me

"Are you listening to me!?"  = [Too late, you're dead]

"Do what you want."  = You'llpay for this later

WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine,again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

The Lady and the Facelift

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''?

The man replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice try.''
The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you think I am?''
The man replies, ''You're 37, right?''
The lady says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.''
After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.''
So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!''
The lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?''
The old man replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

The Love Dress

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”
So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”
She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the fuck are you doing?”
“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife.
“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

 

Thinnest Book in the World

Whats the thinnest book in the world?

"What Men Know About Women."

Tight Skirt, Bus Stop

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."