Pre Relationship Agreement
.
The party of the first part (herein
referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body,
agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to
as "him"):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially
referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose
any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs,
phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently
active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.
Further, each party agrees to make
known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers,
and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the
immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get
anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both
parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially
referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the
"fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho
bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John
DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob
Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch,"
see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or
Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP:
Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually
agree to use the following terminology in describing their said
"dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say
they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee
of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say
they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as
"an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first
date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or
"lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a
couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better
half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain,"
or "my old man/lady" acceptable.
Furthermore, if both members
consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too
serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the
relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again
be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the
first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the
other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No
unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or
"holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or
forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in
action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first
thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of
the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will
be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no
"running off in the middle of the night to console an old
girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but
he/she needs me" from their vocabularies.
Further, during the first six (6)
weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous
home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet
of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return
to their normal personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed
that-respective gross income aside-"he" will pick up the tab at all
dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably
impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!"
Not included in this agreement are
meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of
discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally
known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil):
Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more
than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time
between their respective apartments.
Further, it is agreed that both
sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both
will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up
after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his
whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties.By the same
token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a
mess".
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the
first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other
blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in
together," "Why don't we start a family?" and using archaic
terminology-"Let's get married."
9. THE "L" WORD: For the
first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love
you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a
particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other.
Failure by one party to abide by
this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word ...
"Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of
the following will be grounds or immediate termination and final dissolution of
said relationship:
Infidelity: Running off at any time
to console an ex-girl/boyfriend, Ending any argument with the sentence "My
ex used to do that same ****"
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
MEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: MAN
ATOMIC WEIGHT: Accepted as 170 lbs,
known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs
SYMBOL: EGO
DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by
accident one day when she had a craving for ribs.
OCCURANCE: Large quantities in all
populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas
known as "singles bars". Extremely low quantities can be found in any
location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labor)
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1) Surface often covered with
hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others.
2) Boils when inconvenienced,
freezes when faced with Logic & Common Sense.
3) Melts if treated like a God.
4) Can cause headaches and severe
body aches; handle with extreme caution.
5) Specimens can be found in various
states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
6) Becomes stubborn and unyielding
when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are
applied.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1) Is repelled by concentrated
quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery
Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn
against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin combines with the
aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element.
2) May explode spontaneously if
wallet is opened.
3) Requires copious quantities of
substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking.
4) When saturated with Alcohol will
be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
5) Is repelled by most household
appliances and common household cleansers.
6) Is repelled by small children
clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
7) Is rendered non-functional when
confronted with the items in #5 & #6.
8) Is neutral to common courtesy and
fairness.
9) Is impervious to embarrassment.
10) Most powerful embittering and
aggravating agent known to woman.
The Man Dictionary
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE,
HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO
EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S
JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE
WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING,
DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY
IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever
owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT
MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue whatyou just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake itwell enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE
ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY
WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
The Geography of Men and
Woman
The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and
naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman
is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed
and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is
like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman
is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during
the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is
like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past
mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is
like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the
frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman
is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past
but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one
wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
Men's Thesaurus
The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now
at your local book stores!:
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream
with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you
have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE,
HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO
EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S
JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE
WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY
IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first
girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've
ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT
MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I
admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR
WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately
that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling
at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE
ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY
WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
Harsh Things To Say To A
Naked Guy
- Ahhhh, it's cute.
- Why don't we just cuddle?
- You know they have surgery to fix that.
- Can I paint a smiley face on it?
- Wow, and your feet are so big.
- Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
- Oh no...a flash headache.
- (giggle and point)
- Can I be honest with you?
- This explains your car.
- Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
- Why is God punishing me?
- At least this won't take long.
- I never saw one like that before.
- But it still works, right?
- Maybe it looks better in natural light.
- Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
- Are you cold?
- If you get me real drunk first.
- Is that an optical illusion?
- What is that?
- It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
- So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
Stupid Men Jokes
What do you call a man with half a
brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between
government bonds and men?
Bonds Mature.
What is the difference between a man
and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker
and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to mary virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had
one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows.
They had a man born with a
penis and a brain.
What do you have whan you have two
little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
What are two reasons why men don't
mind their own business?
1.No mind.
2.No business.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's
coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.
Did you hear about the banker who's a
great lover?
He knows first-hand the penalty for
early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
What do you call an intelligent man
in America?
A tourist.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant.... abortion
would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a
first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find
men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won
the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a
bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
What's the difference between a
porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the
outside.
How many men does it take to pop
popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two
others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Fifthy" and "Filthy
but Wearable".
Only a man would buy a $500 car and
put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the
lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than
dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at
cocktail parties.
Two guys were strolling down the
street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird." The other man
looked up and said, "where?"
Why does the stupid man put ice in
his condom?
To keep the swellin down.
Why We Appreciate Men
Why We Appreciate Men And How Our
Bubbles Get Burst When He Ain't Prince Charming!! (and added comments)
1. They've got that comfortable
place on their shoulder that's perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep.
(At least that's what his girlfriend/wife says - depending on which YOU are!)
2. They're at peace with their
bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness.
(The *names deleted* of the world. . .teehee!!)
3. They're enthusiastic about our
bodies, even when we're not. (Yeh, don'tcha love it when they say you look
great. . .just don't get over 200 lbs!!)
4. They're beyond enthusiastic
about sex. (OK if they are discriminate. . .about who they are having it
with!!)
5. They fall in love so hard, once
they finally fall. (And don't be shocked if it is their wife. . ."you
helped me through a hard time in our marriage and now it's better than
ever" OR. . ."yes, I confess, I DID have a fling (you!!), but let's
not let that interfere with "us"!!)
6. Chest hair, forearm hair and
the feel of a newly shaved cheek. (Well, at least the newly shaved cheek. .
.and just so it isn't back hair!!!)
7. Bravery around snakes,
waterbugs, bats and flat tires. Sometimes a MYTH!! (The sexiest man I ever knew
- among others - do not have that particular instinct!)
8. Their unapologetic lust for a
nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake. (And, sometimes to our dismay. . .just
their unapologetic lust for a hunk!!) That's when our female phrase "WHAT
a WASTE!!!" comes in handy!!
9. Their ability to solve
problems simply by throwing a ball around. (Better than throwing US around. .
.)
10. The glimpse you get, when
they wear their baseball cap backwards of their inner Little Leaguer. (That is
something I will just leave alone. . .kind of cute on some. . .)
11. How tender they get when they
cry and how seldom they do it. [When their team loses. . .or when they are at a
pick-up bar and she/he turns out to be just waaaaayyyyyyy too young. . .and the
ones who are interested are Madam-look-alikes (as in Madam and Waylon!)]
12. What they lack in talk, they
tend to make up for in action. (. . .at the slot machines or the Baccarat
tables. . .OR hitting on their secretaries!)
13. They make excellent
companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark
alleys. (Say WHAT!!??!!)
14. They really love their moms.
They remind us of our dads. (Richard Simmons loves HIS Mom and doesn't remind
me one thing of my Dad!! Nor Dave Letterman. . .hmmmmmmm!!??)
15. They don't mind accompanying
a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like
the chauffeur. (I ain't touchin' that one cuz I know people with limos!!)
16. Their near-endless appetite
for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs.
(well, the ins/outs of about anything and OUR money, in particular)
17. Their genuine ardor for
tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any
intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for. (Some do, some don't.
. .either THEY do it or it gets HIRED done. . . I don't even want to LEARN that
stuff and don't blame them if THEY don't!!)
18. They never care what their
horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say. (. . .AMEN!!)
19. They rarely lie about their
age, their weight or their clothing size. (. . .don't get this wrong. . .they
DO lie about fishing, money and women!!)
20. How awestruck they are in the
face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie. (. . .all with the same enthusiasm!!)
21. How sexy their butts look in
jeans. (. . .this person must know David Bowie!)
22. How sexy their hands look
holding ours. (No contest. . .)
23. Their face is a treasure to
behold when they give us a present they picked out. (. . .and they are pretty
decent about it when we exchange it for something we really like, too!!)
24. Their ignorance is usually
amusing (Sometimes. . .depends on OUR mood !!) (If we are REALLY, REALLY gone
on him. . .he is the smartest man in the world, regardless of how ignorant. .
.did I say that??!!)
25. They have a great sense of
competition (Good if it is at work/earning $$$$. . .bad if it is notches on
belts or bedposts!!)
26. They can make great sex
partners ("CAN" is the operative word here. . .usually have to have
some in-house training!)
27. They give great hugs, ( and
always melt our hearts when a sweet "I love you Princess" is added)
(Princess, Schmitzess. . .all I ask is that I be treated no differently than
the Queen!!)
28. Though they often try to hide
it, they're very tenderhearted and caring. (and they are MASTERS at hiding it.
. .oh, to be fair - there ARE moments. . .)
29. They have an uncanny ability
to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don't
want them to (Good when it is hubby/boyfriend. . .BAD when it is David
Bowie/Lenny Kravitz) (REALLY bad when it is Bill Clinton. . .)
30. They don't care whether
colours match but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be (. .
.unless it is at the football game. . .then COLOR counts!!)
31. They can be taught (. . .and
when you get one trained. . .just hang in there as the older they get - the
harder to train!!!)
32. They give us a peek at the
little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt. (More
like the Pamper/Binky stage. . .)
The Top 16 Things That Can
Get a Guy Banned From the Men's Union
16 You catch yourself thinking,
"You know, what this bed needs is a few more pillows."
15 "What do you think: a
Zima or a white zinfandel?"
14 You rhapsodize about taking
that chick with the great rack home from the bar for a long night of sweet
cuddling and General Foods International Coffee.
13 You not only know the
difference between a puff pastry and a cream puff, but your choux paste swan
took first place at the county fair.
12 "Ewww, gross! Two women
kissing!"
11 "You know, take away the
steroids and over-the-top sideshow atmosphere from pro wrestling and it's just
like ballet!"
10 Your new Martha Burke
signature putter.
9 Not only can you identify Sarah
Hughes and Tara Lipinski, you can articulate the logic behind the
"artistic impression" scores in figure skating.
8 You turn down playoff tickets
so you can watch Cher's farewell concert on TV.
7 You complain that the
"Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" movie was not true to the
book.
6 Sure, it's the fourth quarter
of the Super Bowl and you've had a lot to drink, but you can't resist
commenting on how those uniforms would look a lot neater if only they'd been
finished with an overedge chain rather than a two-thread lock stitch.
5 Your "Bridges of Madison
County" lunch box.
4 You not only sing show tunes at
karaoke, you employ full choreography.
3 You ask your barber to give you
a "Richard Simmons."
2 When the guys put you in charge
of "entertainment" for the bachelor party in Vegas, you buy tickets
to see Celine Dion.
1 "No oral sex for me
tonight, honey -- I don't feel very fresh down there."
The Six Most Important Men In
a Woman's Life
.
Doctor-Because he says-
"Take off all your clothes"
Dentist-Because he says-
"Open wide"
Milkman-Because he says-
"Do you want it in the front or back?"
Hairdresser-Because he says-
"Want it teased of blown?"
Interior Decorator-Because he
says-
"Once it's in you'll love it"
Banker-Because he says-
"If you take it out too soon you'll lose interest
Stoopit Pickup Lines
.
1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the
incredible urge to plant you right here!
2. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
3. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I
can make your Bed Rock.
4. I may not be the best looking guy here, but
I'm the only one talking to you.
5. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but
if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
6. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it
appears that someone beat me to it.
7. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's,
you would be McGorgeous.
8. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in
your pants.
9. If you're going to regret this in the
morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
10. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been
running through my mind all night!
If Men got pregnant!
1. Maternity leave would last two years....with
full pay.
2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's
#1 health problem.
5. All methods of birth control would be 100%
effective.
6. Children would be kept in the hospital until
toilet trained.
7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of
clothes.
12. They'd stay in bed during the entire
pregnancy.
13. Restaurants would include ice cream and
pickles as main entree's.
14. Women would rule the world.
MEN: Please Read Rules Before Proceding
1. Please do not talk to my breast. You won't
be meeting them.
2. If you want to control someone sleep with
your remote.
3. I always choose chocolate over men-always.
4. 51% love goddess 49% bitch.
5. My sexual preference is NO.
6. MY body is a temple, now get on your knees
and pray.
7. It's not the size that counts, it's... no,
wait, size does count.
8. Rrmember you horny peice of dirt, girls are
made of sugar, spice, and everything nace.
9. Men are like hardware floors, lay them right
the first time and you can walk all over them forever.
10. Save your breath for your inflatable date.
On Gender Differences
The following comments are those of Bill Hall
who is a syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho.
Consider bathing, for instance. As a general
rule, middle-aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The
men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed
clean and to work dirty. That's why men usually take their coffee breaks with
other men.
Women read more boring magazines than men. They
read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning
bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how
to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to work.
Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how
to catch fish and kill little animals.
When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most
female cooks don't. Indeed, most female cooks don't even own a decent kitchen
knife, let alone a sharp one.
Female cooks offer the excuse that they would
cut themselves if they had a sharp knife. And anyone with knives that lousy
probably would.
There is another difference between male and
female cooks. Female cooks generally cook better with dull knives than male
cooks do with sharp knives. That's how infuriating female cooks can be.
Most women in my age group wear dresses
occasionally. Only a few of my male friends do and then only in the privacy of
their own homes.
The women hobble around on high-heeled shoes. Most
men would never do anything that silly. In fact, there is a name for the kind
of men who wear high heels. They are called cowboys.
Women laugh at men for wearing neckties and
coats on 100-degree summer days. They snicker at men for wearing more clothes
than necessary in hot weather. However, the women who do that are sweating in
their pantyhose.
Most women in my age group wear make-up. Very
few of the men do. There is a name for men who wear make-up. They are called
weird cowboys.
Women are far more likely to be lousy tippers
in restaurants, and to complain thereafter that men always get better service
than they do.
Women fold their underwear. Most men merely
stuff their underwear into the drawer. Men use the time they save to catch fish
and kill little animals.
Most women, when lost, will stop and ask
directions. Most men in my age group believe admitting you're lost will cast
doubt on your manhood. That's why so many macho men are lost. Smarter men prove
their manhood by stopping and asking women for directions, even when they
aren't lost.
There is another big difference between men and
women in my age group. A competent man tends to rise through the ranks so
easily that he eventually reaches a level where he is incompetent. Dr. Laurence
J. Peter has dubbed this process the Peter Principle.
Women in my age group tend to be held below the
level of their competence, making them embarrassing to work with because they
tend to outshine male colleagues at the same level.
This is known as the Pain-in-the-Neck
Principle. Incompetent men who have been subjected to that humiliation
retaliate by refusing to promote women. And rightly so. You don't want people
in the board room who don't shower each morning.
Women's Advice to Men
-The reason why our bras don't
always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
-The next time you and your
buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you
successfully aim at the toilet rim.
-If we're watching football with
you--it's not bonding--it's the butts.
-If the truth hurts, ask us those
ego-sensitive questions on your payday.
-Whenever possible, please try to
say whatever you have to say after the movie.
-Don't fret if you find out that
the milkman delivers more than once a day.
-Please don't drive when you're
not driving.
-Lay off the beans several hours
before bedtime.
-Our bedtime headaches are
inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.
-If you were really looking for
an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
-The next time you joke about
female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking
mini-skirts.
-If only women gossip, how do you
and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
-Stop telling us most male
strippers are gay: we don't care.
-When you're not around, I belch
loudly, too.
-Start parting and combing your
hair to one side early in life--you'll never see the 'island' coming.
-Have a strong need for male
bonding? Visit your proctologist.
-Your contributions to your child
should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
-Eye contact is best established
above our shoulder-level.
-Your balding is a good thing--it
subsidizes our hair care expenses.
Demerit System used by Women
For all you guys out there who
just can't figure it out, here it is. In
the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do
something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &
points
are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...
Sorry, that's the way the game is
played. Here is a guide to the point
system.
Simple Duties
You make the bed..................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1
You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll
when it's empty..................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her father..............................................-10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.......-2
Named Tiffany...................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.............-6
Tiffany has implants............-8
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner..................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely........................-20
You forget your anniversary...............................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station..............-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey............................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...............-60
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal .........................................-5
And the pal is happily married ............................-4
Or frighteningly single ...................................-7
And he drives a Mustang...................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ............-15
You have a few beers.......................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call............-20
You get home at 3 am......................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ..-40
Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work.................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real
late..........+10
You wait up......................................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20
A Night Out
You take her to a movie.........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...............................+6
You take her to a movie you like................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ......+30
And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of
it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".........-800
Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical................-5
Something she can't use.........................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane...............................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40
Driving
You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal.........-25
You know them..................................................-60
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.....................................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................................-35
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression..............0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20
It's a guy thing!
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH
DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE,
HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO
EXPLAIN."
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a
bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE
WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING,
DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY
IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT
YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT
MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before
I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT"
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS
TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next
three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE
ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm
starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW
EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
