more Men jokes
This man was
talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the
boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the
dishes are washed."
One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?"
The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"
Three rednecks were
working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start
their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As
the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone
should go and tell his wife."
Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do
it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I
said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow." Then I said,
"I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
One man (lets call
him Johnny) came to gun shop.
J(ohnny):I want a pistol
S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols)
J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this,
S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose?
J: For shooting cans.
S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one.
J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one.
S: And what cans will you shoot at?
J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans...
Two hunters shot a
deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult
because the other legs kept snagging in the brush.
"Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try
dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo-store
salesman."
"OK," says Ivan.
After a while, Ivan says, "I think this is a lot better because his legs
fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther
from the car."
Q: Whats the
greatest women joke ever?
A: Women rights.
A hubby is having a
short conversation with his wife.
See dear, if you got home early from work one day and you found me pounding on
another woman, this would be called an awkward situation!
So its the same honey, if you came home early from work and found me in bed
with another man?
No darling, you are now confused and mixing the awkward situation with proper
beating!
A couple of women
were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off
and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said,
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few
minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position
still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his
hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her
hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like
hell."
A woman went
shopping. She walks to checkout counter and then the salesman packs all her
groceries: milk, cheese, orange juice, half of bread, bar of soap,
toothpaste...
All of a sudden the salesman asks her:
- You're single, aren't you?
A bit surprised woman smiles and answers:
- That's right, but how did you guessed that?
- Because you're so ugly.
One day a man was
walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see
anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him
out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only
one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm
afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built
from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that.
Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway,
how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all
the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one
other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my
girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she
so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two
lanes or four?"
A priest and a
shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering
all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It
is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But
then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three women cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
What's the
difference between a bachelor & a married man?
Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed.
Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of
them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled
back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator,
"My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, lets make sure he's dead..."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Two campers are
hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is
delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a
knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on
the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you're gonna die."
Two campers are
walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the
clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the
campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically
begins to put them on.
The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun
that bear."
"I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says, "I just
need to outrun you."
There were three
guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their
wives. The third remains silent.
After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and says, "Well...
what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
"Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands
and knees," he bragged and took another sip of beer.
His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in
unison."
"Well, then she said, "Get the hell out from under that bed and fight
like a man!" he admitted.
Why do men like
blonde jokes??
Because they can understand them.
A man ask his wife,
"What would you do if I won the lottery?"
Wife says, "I would take half and leave you".
Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here a fiver now f*ck off!"
This french guy he
wants to learn English.
So one day he goes to an airport to learn "take off".
Then he goes to the zoo to learn "zebra". Then he goes to the
hospital "baby"
So one day he walks up too a hot girl on a beach in a bikini and he said
"Take off zebra baby" (take off the bra baby).
There's 3 army
generals and the government decides to pay them any way they want measured.
First guy says measure from the tip of my toe to the end of my finger.
So they do and its 73 inches so they pay him $730,000.
The second guy does the same and gets paid $650,000.
The third guy goes measure from the tip of my penis to the back of my balls.
They say OK drop your pants, so he does and they measure.
"You have no balls" they say.
"Yes I do," he replies, "they're still in Vietnam.
A man was digging a
ditch, when he uncovered a lamp. When he brushed it off, a genie popped out,
and said "To show my gratitude for releasing me, I'll grant you one
wish.."
The man thought for a second, reached into his pocket, pulled out a map of the
world, pointed to the Middle-East, and replied "I want you to bring peace
to this area."
"Ooooh....I'm so sorry, that's impossible" said the genie.
"There's absolutely no way I could accomplish such a great feat, so you'll
have to choose another wish..."
The man then said "Well....then how about having my wife give me oral-sex
voluntarily...?"
The genie thought for a minute, then said "Can I see that map
again..?"
Three guys are at a
restaurant, all with their girlfriends.
The first guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend, "Could
you pass me the honey?...Honey."
Now, the second guy, copying the first, says to his girlfriend, "Could you
pass me the sugar?....Sugar."
So now, the third guy is under pressure. He has to come up with something good.
After, a minute of thinking he says to his girlfriend, "Pass me the
pork...pig."
MALE LOGIC
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which
one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each
of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money.
She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works,
and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you
because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I
bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market,
doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the
rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future
because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the
money and decided to marry the one with the largest breasts...
UNLUCKY YOUNG MAN
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the
young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and
she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the"
night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've
got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."
"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me
the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.
He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but
continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such
a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your
father is a pharmacist."
Husband admiring
his body in the mirror says to wife 'look at that, 14 stones of pure dynamite !' Wife replies 'yeah,
shame about the 2 inch fuse ...'
An ideal man
doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and
DOESNT'T EXIST.
A trucker who has
been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your
ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have
one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."
MALE LOGIC
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to
marry. So he decides to give each one 5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new
clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so
much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television,
and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts
for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the 5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her
investment, returns the 5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says,
"I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so
much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the
money and decided to marry the one with the largest breasts...
Sid and Irv are
business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact
the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for
about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's
Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks.
"Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex,
lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch.
Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up
the next day." "Oh, my God," says Sid "So that's what heaven
is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear
in Yellowstone Park."
School jokes
Teacher: Be sure
that you go straight home
Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!
Mother: What did
you learn in school today
Son: How to write.
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!
TEACHER : What is
further away, Australia or the Moon?
Pupil : Australia, you can see the Moon at night.
Why did
the student eat his homework?
Because his teacher said, it was a peace of cake.
Stacy: You know
Tracy, sometimes I don't understand life.
Tracy: What do you mean?
Stacy: When we were a younger, we learnt to talk and to walk. At school, we
always have to sit down and shut up...
Teacher: What makes
you see?
Bobyjack: My eyes, my nose and my ears.
Teacher: True for the eyes but why for your ears and nose?
Bobyjack: It's to hold my glasses!!!
On the first day of
college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male
dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time
will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
Teacher:Children
nothing is impossible!
A Student:Sir,then take out the tooth paste from the tube and put it back!!!
Teacher: I TOLD YOU
NOT TO DO THAT!!!! DO I HAVE TO SPELL EVERYTHING FOR YOU?!
Studen: No I can spell EVERYTHING: E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G!
(Teacher was telling the students about
unitary method.)
Teacher: Students, if 1 man can do a work in 6 days, 6 men can do the same work
in 1 day. Did you understand?
Student : Yes, if 1 boat crosses the ocean in six days, 6 boats cross the ocean
in one day.
Father: Son this
time, you have to score 90% marks in your exams.
Son: No father I'll score 100% marks.
Father: Why are you kidding?
Son: Who started?
Teacher: Good
morning class I have a couple of riddles to start off this morning. I have
something here that's round red and good to eat? Sarah: an apple? Teacher: No
it's a tomato but you're thinking.
Teacher: I have something here that's yellow and odd shaped and good to eat?
Michael: A banana? Teacher: No it's a pear but you're thinking.
Little Johnny: Teacher, I have a riddle. Teacher: Okay Johnny tell us your
riddle. Little Johnny: I have something in my pocket that's round, hard and has
a head on it? Teacher: Johnny, you go see the principal right this instant.
Little Johnny: It's a nail, but you're thinking.
One day the kids in
Ms. Evans science class was disagreeing with her.
Ms. Evans was talking about evolution. Ms. Evans was and atheist so she didn't
believe in God.
Then Johnny raised his hand and said, "But I thought God created
mankind?"
Ms. Evans then replied, "Well can you see God?"
"No."
"Hear God?"
"No."
"Feel God?"
"No." This went on for quite a while.
"Well then God doesn't exist."
Then Johnny whispered back to his friend Jimmy, "Can you see Ms. Evan's
brain. No, so that must not exist."
Teacher:(I killed a
person.)tell me this sentence in future tense.
Student: In future tense, (You will go to jail.)
Teacher in class:
Can anyone tell me what do you get if you subtract four apples from seven apples?
John: Where are the apples?
Ms.Battle: Henry, I
hope I didn't see you copying Casey's math test.
Henry: I hope you didn't either.
Q: What comes befor
8?
A: My school bus usually.
The teacher said to
Danny: "Why are you in the floor?"
Danny said: "Because you said to do this Math problem without
Tables."
The teacher said to
Merisa, "What important in the 1700's people did not have that we have
Today."
Merisa said, "ME."
One day the kids in
Ms. Evans science class was disagreeing with her.
Ms. Evans was talking about evolution. Ms. Evans was and atheist so she didn't
believe in God.
Then Johnny raised his hand and said, "But I thought God created
mankind?"
Ms. Evans then replied, "Well can you see God?"
"No."
"Hear God?"
"No."
"Feel God?"
"No." This went on for quite a while.
"Well then God doesn't exist."
Then Johnny whispered back to his friend Jimmy, "Can you see Ms. Evan's
brain. No, so that must not exist."
Stone age: a group
of children are sitting around the tree and one grown up is teaching them how
to bring down the fruit with a rock.
Then all the children try to do that on their own. After everyone's done they
separates into a small groups and walks home.
One of them complains, "I hate those physics".
teacher asked : Why
are you late for school?
Johnny: Because of the Sign.
Teacher : What Sign?
Johnny : The sign that says "School ahead go slow"
A student comes to
a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door,
and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
Teacher: If you eat
fish?
Student: It's good for my eyes.
Teacher: If you don't eat fish?
Student: It's good for the fish!
Q: Have you ever
heard the joke that a stupid says, "NO"???
A: "NO"!!!
Teacher asked
George: how can you prove the earth is round?
George replied: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.
Teacher: Name two
days of the week that start with "t".
Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.
The children were
lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the
head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted
on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large
pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you
want. God is watching the apples."
A boy from a
different country goes to an English school,the teacher says, "learn THREE
words for TOMORROW".Then they had science,the teacher said TAKE OFF so he
remembered TAKE OFF in his head,then they went to a trip to the ZOO he sees a
ZEBRA so he remembered ZEBRA in his head, then at home time he sees a BABY so
he remembered BABY in his head.
the next day the teacher says,"what THREE words did U remember?" the
boy goes"TAKE OFF ZEBRA BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Little April was
not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April,
who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her,
took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April
and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour,"
But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the
rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher
said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with
the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G
THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR
ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
A student is
sitting at an astronomy lecture in college, when the professor mentions,
"In about 15 billion years, the sun will burn out and all life on earth
will cease to exist."
"Excuse me, professor, did you say 5 billion years or 15 billion?"
"15 billion."
"whew, thanks, because I was really getting worried."
A female school
teacher comes up to a parent at a parent meeting and says, "You know, your
son called me a prostitute!"
Dad calls up his son and says: "So this teacher teaches you, helps you,
wants you to get good grades and for all that you call her a prostitute?? what
do you care about what she does after work?"
Little Johnny was
sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a
question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you
shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied
Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is
four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women
eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was
biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the
cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her
finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
A teacher
cautiously approaches the subject of s*x education with her fourth grade class
because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny
remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of
the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of s*x education from the class. One
little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's
nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With
much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV
yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and
hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one
of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled,
"And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
One day, during a
lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could
use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she
called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a
beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good,
Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My
mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner
table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,
f...ing beautiful!'"
Teacher: Did you
father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
Teacher: You missed
school yesterday didn't you?
Pupil: Not very much!
Teacher: Could you
please pay a little attention?
Student: I'm paying as little attention as I can.
A professor was
giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and
went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor
noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a
note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got
back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
Heading off to
college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years.
One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my
class. "Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said.
"Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point of
view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"
