Showing posts with label england. Show all posts
Showing posts with label england. Show all posts

Saturday, December 22, 2012



True Facts

Facts - interesting, provocative, well-seasoned


One out of ten children in Europe are conceived on an IKEA bed.

Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.

An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.

In the
Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in
China in 1910.

When George Lucas was mixing the American Graffiti soundtrack, he numbered the reels of film starting with an R and numbered the dialog starting with a D. Sound designer Walter Murch asked George for Reel 2, Dialog 2 by saying "R2D2". George liked the way that sounded so much he integrated that into another project he was working on.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.

Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.

Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.

They have square watermelons in
Japan - they stack better.

Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation.

Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at
25 miles per year.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

Armadillos can be housebroken.

The first Fords had engines made by Dodge.

A mole can dig a tunnel
300 feet long in just one night.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.

Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone.

A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a
4 foot tall child inside.

A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove.

A hummingbird weighs less than apenny.


Until 1796, there was a state in the
United States called Franklin. Today it is known as Tennessee.

The flashing warning light on the cylindrical Capitol Records tower spells out
HOLLYWOOD in Morse code.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie
.

The average person has over 1,460 dreams a year.

One in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

The average American will eat about
11.9 pounds of cereal per year.

Over 1,000 birds a year die from smashing intowindows.


The State of
Florida is bigger than England.

Ants stretch when they wake up in the morning.

Thomas Edison, light bulb inventor, was afraid of the dark.

During your lifetime, you'll eat about
60,000 pounds of food. That's the weight of about 6 elephants.

Some ribbon worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food.

The world's oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old.

In space, astronauts cannot cry, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow.

About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30.

More people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe.

In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons.

Slugs have 4 noses.

Recycling oneglass jar
saves enough energy to watch TV for 3 hours.

Lightning strikes about 6,000 times per minute on this planet.

Owls are the only birds who can see the color blue.
The average American drinks about 600 sodas a year.

It's against the law to slam your car door in
Switzerland.

There wasn't a single pony in the Pony Express, just horses.

Honeybees have hair on their eyes.

A jellyfish is 95 percent water.

In
Bangladesh, kids as young as 15 can be jailed for cheating on their finals.

A company in
Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the
United States.

America once issued a 5-cent bill.

You'll eat about 35,000 cookies in your lifetime.


Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool. He changed it every 2 innings.

Fortune cookies were actually invented in
America, in 1918, by Charles Jung.

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

The pitches that Babe Ruth hit for his last-ever homerun and that Joe DiMaggio hit for his first-ever homerun where thrown by the same man.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

The praying mantis is the only insect that can turn its head.

In
Tokyo, they sell toupees for dogs.

There are over 52.6 million dogs in the
U.S.

Dogs and cats consume almost $7 billion worth of pet food a year.

Baby robins eat
14 feet of earthworms every day.

The Pentagon has twice as many restrooms as necessary. When it was built, segregation was still in place in
Virginia, so separate restrooms for blacks and whites were required by law.

In
England, in the 1880's, "Pants" was considered a dirty word.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

In 2003, there were 86 days of below-freezing weather in Hell,
Michigan.

It is believed that Shakespare
was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is "shake" and the 46th word from the last word is "spear".

If you stretch a standard Slinky out flat it measures
87 feet long.

The strength of early lasers was measured in Gillettes, the number of blue razor blades a given beam could puncture.

The drive-through line on opening day at the McDonald's restaurant
in Kuwait City, Kuwait was at times seven miles long.

Point Roberts in
Washington State is cut off from the rest of the state by British Columbia, Canada. If you wish to travel from Point Roberts to the rest of the state or vice versa, you must pass through Canada, including both Canadian and U.S. customs.

The Pentagon in Washington, D. C. has five sides, five stories, and five acres in the middle.


Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with "
Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

There is an ATM at McMurdo Station in
Antarctica, which has a winter population of 200.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Newborn babies are given to the wrong mother in the hospital
12 times a day worldwide.

The Starbucks at the highest elevation is on
Main Street in Breckenridge, Colorado.

Each year, over 1,000,000 people fail to itemize out the mortgage interest deduction on their income taxes. Last year, this amounted to $473,000,000 in taxes.

In 1998, more fast-food employees were murdered on the job than police officers.

The lead singer of The Knack, famous for "My Sharona," and Jack Kevorkian's lead defense attorney are brothers, Doug and Jeffrey Feiger.

Two very popular and common objects have the same funtions,
but one has thousands of moving parts, while the other has absolutely no moving parts - an hourglass and a sundial.

One out of three employees who received a promotion use a coffee mug with the company logo on it.

If you know a (male) millionaire who happens to be married, The most likely profession of his wife is a teacher.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

1 pound of lemons contain more sugar than
1 pound of strawberries.

The "you are here" arrow on maps is called an ideo locator.

60% of all
US potato products originate in Idaho.

61,000 people are airborne over the
US at any given time.

A flamingo can eat only when its head is upside down.

Mark Twain was born on a day in 1835 when Halley's Comet came into view. When he died in 1910, Halley's Comet was in view again.

The Weddell seal can travel underwater for seven miles without surfacing for air.

In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On
July 20, 1969, a few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord Perry hit his first (and only) home run.

The longest words in the English language with only one syllable are the nine-letter "screeched" and "strengths".

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye".

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" read
4:20.

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

A snail can have about 25,000 teeth.

A snail can also sleep for three years.

A starfish can turn its stomach inside out.

A strand from the web of a golden spider is as strong as a steel wire of the same size.

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.

About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.

According to Genesis 1:20-22 the chicken came before the egg.

Soldiers from every country salute with their right hand.

The microwave oven was invented by mistake when an engineer testing a magnetron tube noticed that the radiation from it melted the chocolate bar he had in his pocket.

Moisture, not air, causes super glue to dry.

Only 14% of Americans say they've skinny dipped with the opposite sex.

"60 Minutes" on CBS is the only TV show to not have a theme song or music.

Half of all Americans live within
50 miles of their birthplace.

Most boat owners name their boats. The most popular boat name requested is Obsession.

100% of all lottery winners gain weight.


An average American will spend an average of 6 months during his lifetime
waiting at red lights.

The Olympic flag's colors are always red, black, blue, green and yellow rings on a field of white. This is because at least one of those colors appears on the flag of every nation on the planet.

Cats can hear ultrasound.

In a recent survey
, Americans revealed that banana was their favorite smell.

In all three Godfather films, when you see oranges, there is a death (or a very close call) coming up soon.

If you were to spell out numbers, you would you have to go until 1,000 until you would find the letter "A".

23% of employees say they have had sex in the office.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012



Doomed People


Sometimes, it seems like some people are just plain *doomed*...

* A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near
Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore -- where a tree blew over and killed him.

* Mike Stewart, 31, of
Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge -- killing him.

* Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in
Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.

* George Schwartz, owner of a factory in
Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.

* Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near
Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.

* In
1983, a Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.

* A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.

* Surprised while burgling a house in
Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the back door, clambered over a nine-foot wall, dropped down and found himself in the city prison.

* While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down. While he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer tethered to the crossing gate. A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in short order by a man in a sports car. When the train roared through the crossing, the horse startled and bit Falatti on the arm. Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in the head. In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and began scuffling with the motorcyclist. The horse, which was not up to this sort of excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports- car. At this, the sports-car driver leaped out of his car and joined the fray. The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men. As he did so, the crossing gates rose and his goat was strangled. At last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the claims.

* Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.


TOP 20 Reasons Chocolate Is Better Than Sex 


1) You can GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
 
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.

11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
 
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16) Good chocolate is easy to find.

17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19) When you have great chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.

20) With chocolate size doesn't matter. It's ALL good!



ACTUAL ENGLISH SUBTITLES USED IN FILMS MADE IN HONG KONG

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared shitless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat. [sic, of course]

20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough examination.

21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.


RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF !!!!!!!!!!

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners have the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as are necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the hole again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course currently being played.Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring appropriate rain gear.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate to discover that someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the hole temporarily under repair. Players are cautioned to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however players should be prepared to play at a faster pace at the request of the course owner.

14. It is considered outstanding performance to play the same hole several times in one match, time permitting.

15. The course owner shall be the sole judge of who is the best player.

Friday, November 2, 2012



The Geography of Men and Woman


The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like
Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man

------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like
Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.


Men's Thesaurus


The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!:

"I'M GOING FISHING"

Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."


IT'S A GUY THING"

Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".


"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"


"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."

Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.


"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Means: "I have no idea how it works."


"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."

Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."


"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".

Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."


"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Means: "Are you still talking?"


"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."


"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".

Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."


"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."


"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".

Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."


"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."


"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Means: "What did you catch me at?"


"I HEARD YOU."

"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."


"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."


"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."


"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."


"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."


Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Guy


- Ahhhh, it's cute.

- Why don't we just cuddle?


- You know they have surgery to fix that.


- Can I paint a smiley face on it?


- Wow, and your feet are so big.


- Will it squeak if I squeeze it?


- Oh no...a flash headache.


- (giggle and point)


- Can I be honest with you?


- This explains your car.


- Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.


- Why is God punishing me?


- At least this won't take long.


- I never saw one like that before.


- But it still works, right?


- Maybe it looks better in natural light.


- Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?


- Are you cold?


- If you get me real drunk first.


- Is that an optical illusion?


- What is that?


- It's a good thing you have so many other talents.


- So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.


Stupid Men Jokes


What do you call a man with half a brain? 

Gifted. 

What's the difference between government bonds and men? 

Bonds Mature. 

What is the difference between a man and a catfish? 

One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. 

What did God say after creating man? 

I can do better. 

Husband: Want a quickie? 

Wife: As opposed to what? 

Why do men want to mary virgins? 

They can't stand criticism. 

I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?" Shows. 

They had a man born with a penis and a brain. 

What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand? 

A man's undivided attention. 

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 

1.No mind. 

2.No business. 

How is a man like a snowstorm? 

Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay. 

Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? 

He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal. 

Why are men like laxatives? 

They irritate the shit out of you. 

What do you call an intelligent man in America? 

A tourist. 

Why do jocks play on artificial turf? 

To keep them from grazing. 

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convienience stores and drive through windows.

Why do men name their penises? 

Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? 

Because they already have boyfriends. 

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? 

He had it bronzed. 

Why do men like masturbation? 

It's sex with someone they love. 

How do some men define Roe vs. Wade? 

Two ways to cross a river. 

What is gross stupidity?

144 men in one room. 

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it. 

Wife: You wear briefs, don't you? 

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? 

The porcupine has pricks on the outside. 

How many men does it take to pop popcorn? 

Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove. 

What is a man's view of safe sex?

A padded headboard. 

How do men sort their laundry? 

"Fifthy" and "Filthy but Wearable". 

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it. 

Why did God create man? 

Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. 

Why were men given larger brains than dogs? 

So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. 

Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how sad - a dead bird." The other man looked up and said, "where?" 

Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? 

To keep the swellin down.

Monday, September 24, 2012




Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did
a leprechaun crap in it? 


FRANCE
Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans
who can make sauces?


ITALY
Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for
a can of Spaghetti-O’s!  


POLAND
Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs? 


GERMANY
Is this bratwurst kosher? 


TURKEY
Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds? 


KOREA
Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?


CHINA
This wall isn’t so great. 


ENGLAND
Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?


SWEDEN
Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?


YEMEN
Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of
Fanatics And Dust' ? 

INDIA
You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?


ETHIOPIA
After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son! 


CANADA
You’re like Americans without money. 


SPAIN
So, this is the country that’s not
Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if
they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos? 


SOUTH AFRICA
I liked it better the other way. 


MEXICO
What's that smell? 


SAUDI ARABIA
Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat
your wives here, or what?


RUSSIA
Is it always this cold and economically devastated?


UZBEKISTAN
Can you spell
Uzbekistan?

GREECE
I hear this place is a less expensive version of
Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
Seriously, where is the real country where is everything? 


JAPAN
What’s
Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi? 

AUSTRALIA
How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?


AMERICA
Was John Wayne gay?



50 Useful Insults

1. Shouldn't a guy with your IQ have a low voice too?

2. After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
3. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.


4. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.


5. You are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.


6. You've got diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.


7. I wonder whether you'd still be an idiot if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?


8. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.


9. Your job must be to spread ignorance.


10. Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be left out alone.


11. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?


12. You should need a license to be that ugly.


13. Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.


14. Every boy has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.


15. Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.


16. You have the IQ of lint.


17. You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 


18. You are living proof that man can live without a brain.


19. People would follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.


20. I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.


21. I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.


22. I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.


23. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame.


24. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.


25. I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.


26. I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.


27. If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.


28. If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.


29. If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.


30. If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself.


31. I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.


32. I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in theway of your ignorance.



33. It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.


34. I've come across decomposing bodies that are less offensive than you are.


35. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission.


36. Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.


37. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.


38. People can't say that you have absolutely nothing. After all, you have inferiority!


39. Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.


40. Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.


41. The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.


42. We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough

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43. We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.


44. When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.


45. When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.


46. When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!


47. You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.


48. You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.


49. You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.


50. Aren't you the poster child for birth control?