A plethora of cute and short jokes for you

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. 

I read a book on helium once. I couldn't put it down!

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and says, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" The pharmacist asks, "You mean aspirin?" "That's it, I can never remember the word."

"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor says, "Tell him I can't see him!"

There are only two things that are certain in this life - Death and Taxes. Unless you are wealthy - then there are Monaco and Cryogenics. 

There was a girl I dated in high school whose name was Becky, but everyone called her "Lincoln" because all the guys took a shot at her in the balcony.

A cheetah and a lion are racing. The cheetah wins. But the lion says to the cheetah, "You're a cheetah!". The cheetah says, "Nah, you lion!" 

Why isn't palindrome spelled the same way backwards?

If a man doesn't have any fingers, can he be counted on?

A man accidentally cut off all of his fingers with a saw. The doctor said, "Thank goodness for microsurgery. Give me the fingers, and I'll sew them back on!" The man said, "I couldn't pick them up!"

I'm a pessimistic optimist. I expect the worst - that way things can only get better.

I'm right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%? 

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 

Ninety two percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils. 

I tried to build a dog house, but I only had enough dogs to build 3 walls.

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I got tired of treasure hunting, so I sat down on a big chest on top of a giant "X".

How many weeks are there in a light year?

A policeman pulled me over and said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "You should really ask a psychic!"

Light travels faster than sound, that's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A tree's favorite drink is root beer.

How does a bass player make his car go faster? He takes the Domino's Pizza sign off the top. 

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

The things that come to those who wait are actually the things that were left by those who got there first! 

Can bald people get a hairline fracture?

Mistakes are made from time to time. Without them, some of us would have never been born!

If you get mono twice, isn't that stereo?

What did the horse say when he fell? "Help, I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"

"Doctor, I have a memory problem!" The doctor says, "When did it start?" "When did what start?"

My frosted flakes melted in the summer. 

I slept through the alarm this morning. Good thing it was only a small fire.

A cheetah clone was found slain at the city zoo. Police suspect a copycat killer.

When I was a kid, I was so poor we would go to KFC and lick other people's fingers. 

I know what people are thinking as soon as I tell them that I'm psychic. 

I got a jump rope, but it's just a rope. Turns out you have to do the jumping part. 

If we ever figure out how to preserve people, we'll really be in a jam.

The Wheel: Man's greatest invention until he got behind it.

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news." Patient: "What's the good news?" Doctor: "You have 24 hours to live." Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doctor: "I should have called you yesterday!"

If you're on a cruise, you're with newlyweds, over-feds and nearly deads!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when she brings it to you.

What did Kenny G say when he got into the elevator? Wow, this place rocks! 

Patient: "Doc, you have to help me. Some days I think I'm Mickey Mouse, some days I think I'm Donald Duck" Doctor: "How long have you had these Disney spells?"

If siamese twins get mono, is it called stereo? 

I'm a big sports fan. I keep the athletes cool while they're playing.

Did you hear about the two maggots making love in dead Earnest? 

Are crop circles the work of a cereal killer?

Tony the Tiger was arrested for being a cereal killer. 

Another way to say "water" is H2O. It sounds fancy, but it's just h, i, j, k, l, m, n and o.

If vampires have no reflection, how do they have such neat hair?

I have three beautiful children. I have four children, but only three are beautiful. 

My friend is dieting. He says weight gain is due to water retention. My weight gain is due to ice cream retention.

Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today. The color ran from Bush's face, and he was visibly shaken. Bush composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seat Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to increase as digging continues into the night.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in laboratory rats. 

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't, there is a clock on the oven. 

"Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor says, "Take these pills, if they don't work, give me a ring."

Two fish are in a tank. One says the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

My car's brakes aren't working, so I bought an anchor.

A cemetery raised its costs, but blamed it on the cost of living.

I watch the Westminister Dog Show for the commercials.

I saw a homeless person getting off a bus, and I thought, "How does he know which stop is his?"

I'm determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese.

The last thing I need to worry about is my anxiety disorder. 

A man was examined at a hospital and was awaiting the results. The doctor comes in and says, "I have bad news. You're going to die in 10." The panic-striken man says, "10 what? Years? Months? Weeks?" The doctor says, "9 - 8 - 7 - 6...."

I may look stupid, but it's hereditary.

My new workout plan is working! I'm benching 310 now. Or maybe 3:15 - whenever the weights are free.

"Did your deaf aunt make it to her hearing?" "No, she was impaired!"

Last time my wife gave me a foot massage, my back ended up smelling funny.

I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking 1,000 aspirin. After the first two, I felt better!

Are children who act in R-rated movies allowed to see them?

Police recently arrested a man who was selling pills that would give you eternal youth. Police discovered that it was the fourth time this man was arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

I thought a thought, but the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought.

I'm not saying that Charlie Sheen's rehab isn't going well, but CBS just renamed the show "Two and a Half Kilos". 

How do they get the "Keep off the grass" sign on the grass?

Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

When French people swear, do they say "Pardon my English"? 

"Doctor, I think I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor says, "Sit in the waiting room, I'll deal with you later."

I ran five miles today. Finally, I had to say, "OK Lady, here's your purse back." 

A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and asks, "Make me one with everything!"

Overweight is something that just snacks up on you.
Doctor to patient: "I'd tell you what your condition is, but I'm not sure how to pronounce it!"

If the grass is greener on the other side - water your grass!

When someone hits you in the face, turn the other cheek. That way the swelling is even!

I went to a ballet once. I couldn't even tell who won.

There are 3 essential tools: duct tape, WD40 and a hammer. If something is moving and it shouldn't be, duct tape it. If it isn't moving and it should be, use WD40. If it still doesn't move, hit it with a hammer. If it breaks, tape it back together with the duct tape.

Patient: "Doctor, something is wrong! I'm shrinking!" Doctor: "Now, now - you'll have to be a little patient!"

I went to Wal-Mart to get a wall, but they were all out.

A little boy examines his privates while in the bath. "Mommy, are these my brains?" His mother says, "Not yet."

Saturn is the richest planet, you can tell by all the rings.

I joined a secret club; the guy at the door asked me, "What's the password?" I told him, "Aren't you supposed to know that?" 

How can you tell which bottle has the PMS medicine? It's the one with the teeth marks.

Life begins when you're born, and ends with an E.

I had to catch a train, so I got a really big mitt. 

I have a Master's Degree in Engineering. I told the owner I'll return in in two days.

Willie Nelson got hit by a car yesterday. He was playing "On the Road Again".

Two buckets of vomit were walking down the street. One says to the other, "That's where I was brought up!"

How do you get Keith Richards out of a tree? Ask him for his autograph.

How do you find an Irish pirate? He's the one with patches over both eyes.

A woman discovers an intruder in the kitchen eating the leftover steak and kidney pie. The husband asks, "Should I call the police or an ambulance?"

Did you hear about the doctor who fell into a well? He learned to tend to the sick, and leave the well alone!

What does Snoop Dogg use to color his hair? Ble-Otch.

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle. 

A man waited two months to have an appointment with his doctor. The doctor says, "I wish you had seen me sooner!"

Have you heard that priests can kiss the nuns now? It's okay as long as they don't get in the habit.

What sound does a cat make when it's on fire? Whooosh! 

What's big, gray and can't climb trees? A parking lot.

Did you hear about the man who fell into the reupholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.

I sat in line at the drive through window. The plump employee opens the window and says, "Sorry about the weight!"

My wife and I were told we couldn't have children - by our landlord.

To work at Starbucks, should you have graduated Magna Cum Latte?

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look too astonished.

Man: "Doctor, I think I'm a dog." Psychiatrist: "Mmmm. Interesting. Please lie down on the couch." Man: "I'm not allowed on the couch!"

I videotape my children a lot - because I think they're stealing from us.

Never moon a werewolf.

You really have to hand it to blind prostitutes!

Why can't a pony sing? Because it's a little horse. 

What do you get when you bake beans and onions together? Tear gas.

A blind man was calling an end to his relationship with his girlfriend. "I'm sorry, I can't see you anymore."

Can cross-eyed teachers control their pupils? 

What goes around a button? A billy goat.

Is Visine.com a site for sore eyes? 

I've told you a million times not to exaggerate!

One time when my son was 3 years old, I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a candy bar in his pocket. I didn't buy it, and he certainly didn't buy it, so we marched back to the mall - and we went to the jewelry store.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

In high school, my school team was the "Fighting Indians". The mascot would dance around before each game. All of our games were rained out.

Don't go knocking on heaven's door. Ring the doorbell and run, he hates that! 

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I love kids! Let's exchange recipes.

In high school, I was in the French club. All we would do is occasionally surrender to the German club.

A cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

When I was younger, I used to play doctor with this girl in my neighborhood. We got caught, but I'm lucky it was on a Wednesday. We were just playing golf.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Are board games supposed to make you bored? 

If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

The things that come to those who wait are the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

The way to a man's heart is to saw his breastplate open.

Why shouldn't you play poker in the savannah? There might be a cheetah.

I'm wondering if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

Duct tape is like "the force". It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

To err is human, to moo bovine.

You can say anything foolish to a dog and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God! You're right! I would have never thought of that!"

Good guys are like public bathrooms, either full of crap or taken.

I don't like to fly Virgin Airlines, because they don't go all the way.

Women's 45 Rules for Men

1. Call

2. Don't lie. 

3. Never tape any of her body parts together.

4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls. 

5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?" 

7. Victoria's secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad. 

8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad. 

9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad. 

10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart," are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch," are bad. 

11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony. 

12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question. 

13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed. 

14. Her cooking is excellent. 

15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid coocking. 

16. Dish soap is your friend. 

17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean. 

18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay. 

19. Answering "Who was on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation. 

20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?" 

21. Two words: clean socks. 

22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.
23. Burping is not sexy. 

24. You're wrong. 

25. You're sorry. 

26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think. 

27. Ditto for you discourse on football. 

28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound. 

29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad. 

30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood. 

31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist. 

32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice. 

33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm. 

34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive. 

35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it. 

36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you. 

37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't. 

38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often. 

39. Always, always suck up to her brother. 

40. Think boxers. Silk boxers. 

41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names. 

42. Don't try to change the way she dresses. 

43. Her haircut is never bad. 

44. Don't let your friends pick on her. 

45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

Boy's & Girl's Records

Women:

Car Parking: 

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Caroline Wizz (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts. 

Incorrect Driving: 

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Hollyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing. 

Video Lesbianism: 

The longest period of time that two women in a pornographic film have sat together on a settee without starting to fondle each other is 8.3 secs, in the 1994 low budget production 'Strap on Sally vol.3'. The longest a woman has sat alone on the settee without starting to fondle herself is 5.2 secs. in the same film. 

Traffic Light Cosmetics: 

The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51mins 38secs. by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds. 

Group Toilet Visit: 

The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet similtaniously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a nightclub in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994. Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving amass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later. 

Men: 

Expletives: 

On 9th june 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stone masons mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14mins 7secs. without stopping once or repeating a swear word. He later attemped to better this feat on BBC TV's Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word bastard after 12mins 58secs. 

Beer Drinking: 

The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5 litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield downed in various pubs in Knutsford high street, Cheshire between 12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986. 

Urinating: 

The longest piss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986. Mr Wingfield was arrested and charged with a public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19mins 24sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking. 

Hottest Curry Eaten: 

Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main they are difficult to substanciate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a XXXHot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger Restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into flames, singeing the waiters eyebrows. 

Biggest Fart: 

The largest and most catastrophic fart was one dropped by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986. Suffering from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting flatulant explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his arse. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing aparatus could begin the process of pushing them back up. 

Holiday Gymnastics: 

The greatest number of press-ups done in front of some girls on a beach is 6 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) whilst on holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza on 19th August 1988. The girls went off with a waiter. 

Loudest Car Stereo: 

The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne Fletcher (GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312dB whilst waiting at some traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport, Cheshire on 8th July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8 Concordes taking off inside the car. The girls walked off. 

Car Customisation: 

Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories fitted to the Mark II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the world's most expensive car customisation project at 105761%. Between 8th March 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher has spent a grand total of $63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in attempt to attract girls to his vehicle. His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit ($3500), 'Nightrider' style Disco Stop Lights ($199), Split 45 Weber Carburettors x4 ($200), Scorpion Talking Alarm, ($500) and a Cromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension ($285). The car is currently valued at $50 to $60. 

Longest Wheel Spin: 

The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his Mark II Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped out twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.