RELATIONSHIPS

Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex

25. It's OK to bleed during play

24. If it's a bad game, you can call a time-out

23. Every player usually has two or three sticks to choose from.

22. There is a limit to the sizes of all equipment.

21. You can still play when you get married.

20. You can change on the fly.

19. Anytime you see an open net, you can go for it.

18. If you can't get it up, who cares.

17. You can pull the goalie without getting yelled at.

16. You can score on all the teams in the league over and over
again.

15. It is broadcast live on TV.

14. Every one can shoot at the same goal.

13. You can shoot in the goal and it's a good thing.

12. Because of the face-mask, nothing can get in your.

11. You always know how big the stick is.

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.

9. The puck is always hard.

8. Protective equipment is reusable, and you don't ever have to
wash it.

7. It lasts a full hour.

6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.

5. Your parents cheer when you score.

4. Periods only last twenty minutes.

3. You can count on it at least twice a week.

2. You can tell your friends about it afterwards

And the # 1 reason why hockey is better than sex---A two-on-one
or three-on-one is common in hockey.

The Top 16 Signs Your Wedding Day Isn't Going Well

16> The ceremony is spoiled by the insistent beeping from the bride's ankle cuff.

15> You're forced to exchange vows from separate rooms because of that week-old restraining order.

14> The bride's father gets his feelings hurt when her pimp insists on giving her away.

13> Even though he's sitting in the front row, you still don't remember the Grim Reaper being on the guest list.

12> At the end of the ceremony, Reverend Jones proposes a Kool-Aid toast.

11> Your bride enthusiastically shouts, "I do!" Unfortunately, it's when the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage.

10> The ceremony starts in 20 minutes and you're still fighting over who gets to wear the dress.

9> "Do you take this man, Scott Peterson, to be your...."

8> When the "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" crew shows up to help plan the upcoming honeymoon, your fiance becomes alarmingly smitten with Carson the fashion savant.

7> "Something blue" is Grandma. Better call 911.

6> After greeting your bride by name, the honeymoon hotel clerk asks if she wants the room for the whole night this time.

5> Something old? Check.
Something new? Check.
Something borrowed? Check.
Something blew? Chuck, the best man.

4> You spot Ron Jeremy sitting on the bride's side of the church.

3> The groom refuses to put on the ring on your finger, saying, "Not the Preciousssss!"

2> Saying your vows extemporaneously was going great until you drew a blank on a rhyme for "clitoris."

1> You can't seem to find your tuxedo pants. But even if you could, the wedding is in Nebraska and you're handcuffed to a dominatrix in Singapore.

16        Signs more

16> Writing your wedding vows in Klingon seemed like such a cool idea at the bachelor party.

15> During the toast, when the bride's father refers to his daughter as "pure and virtuous," you laugh and blow champagne out your nose.

14> Sure, it rains at some outdoor weddings, but hellfire and brimstone?

13> The bride figurine atop the wedding cake? A fluffy white sheep.
Your pissed-off bride? A goat.

12> Getting married at Graceland seemed like a good idea, but you didn't count on that annoying spinning sound coming from Daddy's grave.

11> The ring bearer keeps dropping the bride's glass eye.

10> Your wedding planner convinced you to forgo a traditional reception in favor of a contemporary "flash-mob reception."

9> Traditional wedding: rice.
Your wedding: scorpions.

8> As soon as your vows are complete, Anna Nicole "accidentally" kicks over your ventilator.

7> Your bride keeps on telling you that it's unlucky to see her *after* the wedding.

6> Your vows are to love, honor, obey, remember to feed Bubbles and the llamas every night, and keep up the subscription to "NAMBLA Illustrated."

5> You can't get the ceremony started because the altar keeps bursting into flames whenever your fiancee approaches it.

4> Mid-ceremony, the priest whips out a chicken foot and begins to sprinkle yak urine on the bride.

3> "Do you, CuteBabe19, take BigGuy23-- damn, the server's down again!"

2> One hour before the big "I do," you suddenly realize there's a bridesmaid you haven't nailed.

1> You broke three bones in your hand in an altercation with photographers, your bride split the seam of her Vera Wang when she sat down, and now that little turd Matt Damon can't find the friggin' ring.

Cell Phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the handsfree speaker-function and begins to talk.


MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. Its only $1,000. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $750,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $740,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Breakfast for Newlyweds

This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in, and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o' clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards."

The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room. The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.

Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast bpought up here?"

"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.

The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and 6 liters of orange juice!"

Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"

"No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"

Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"

The groom replies, "I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!"

Thoughts on Marriage

NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?
SAGE : Clever men don't BECOME husbands!

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law `etter than I like mine."

WIFE : The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
HUSBAND: Which is this?

NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE : Sure, what are my choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.

The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize it is 'desserts' spelled backwards.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

A young man was extolling the virtues of his beautiful fiancee. One of his closest friends said to him: "You can't be serious about marrying Sarah Jane!"
"Why", he asked. "She's dated every man in Phoenix."

The bridegroom-to-be thought awhile and then muttered pensively, "Phoenix isn't such a big town."

MRS MURPHY'S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong when he's out of town.

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife "Pass the sugar, Honey." and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, in the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here either."

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?

PROSTITUTE OR CONSULTANT?

You work very odd hours. 

You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money. 

You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room. 

You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price. 

You are not proud of what you do. 

Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded. 

It's difficult to have a family. 

You have no job satisfaction. 

If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client. 

You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

· People ask you what you do and you can't explain it. 

Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you
attend). 

Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with
only other professionals. 

Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate. 

Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for themoney. 

Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs. 

Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the
pain of it all. 

You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is
foolish enough to pay it's not your problem. 

When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like  hell (compare your appearance on Monday A.M. to Friday P.M.). 

You are rated on your performance in an excruciating ordeal. 

Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling. 

The client always thinks your cut of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you. 

When you deduct your take from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you
could get a better deal with another pimp. 

Everyday you wake up and tell yourself you're not going to be doing this stuff
for the rest of your life.

 

Are You Ready For The Working World?Are You Ready

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are
qualified to be a professional. 

There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just
need to think like a professional.

1.How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

2.How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

3.The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except
one. Which animal does not attend?

4.There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS. 

Answers

1.Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and closes the door. This question
tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way.

2.Open the refrigerator remove the giraffe and put in the elephant and close
the door. This question tests your foresight.

3.The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. Okay, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional.

4.Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting!
This question tests your reasoning ability. If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a trueprofessional.  Wealth and success await you. If you answered three out of fouryou have some catching up to do but there's hope for you. If you answered twoout of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money. If you answered none correctly, consider a careerthat does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics.

 

Advertising Campaigns Gone Bad

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" promptedthem to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention theSpanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer from diarrhea".

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to
find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the
manure stick".

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned
that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside,
since many people can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.

7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a
chicken affectionate".

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposedto have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, thecompany thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".

Sign of The Times

In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to
see the manager.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with
child.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a toy department: Five Santa Clauses, no waiting.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices
and workmanship.

On military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "You're my one and only" valentine cards: Now available in
multi-packs.

In an appliance store window: Don't kill your wife. Let ourwashing machines do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits -- $100.00 they won't last an
hour!

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: Archery tournament. Ears pierced.

In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel/No End.

In the window of a general store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you cancome right here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11AM to 11PM Midnight.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

On a movie marquee: Now playing ADAM AND EVE with a cast of thousands!

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please
see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from
any but their own graves.

On a roller coaster: Watch your head.

On the grounds of a private school: No trespassing without permission.

In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away.

On a Tennessee highway: Take notice, when this sign is under water, this road
is impassable.

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to
wash your car.

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
container.

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

LET’S TALK ABOUT MONEY !!!!

(PART 3)

We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.

***

I have always said that if I were a rich man, I would employ a professional praiser.

***

There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.

***

Poets, we know, are terribly sensitive people, and in my observation one of the things they are most sensitive about is money.

***

You can't tell a millionaire's son from a billionaire's.

***

I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.

***

I cannot afford to waste my time making money.

***

I'm so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn't understand, she had to explain: 'That's like three Mercedes.' Then I understood.

***

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.
 

***

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

***

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

***

Somebody said to me, 'But the Beatles were anti-materialistic.' That's a huge myth. John and I literally used to sit down and say, 'Now, let's write a swimming pool.'

***

There is nothing fundamentally wrong with America's cities that money can't cure.

***

The most popular labor-saving device is still money.

***

Money costs too much.

***

If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn't be enough to go around.

***

If you see a bandwagon, it's too late.

***

My present post amounts to about 700 thaler, and when there are rather more funerals than usual, the fees rise in proportion; but when a healthy wind blows, they fall accordingly...

***

Love lasteth as long as the money endureth.

***

I made my money the old fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.

***

I don't even get an allowance. (at age 10)

***

Our incomes are like our shoes; if too small, they gall and pinch us; but if too large, they cause us to stumble and to trip.

***

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

***

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

***

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

***

Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income - which he then spends sending his son to college.

***

He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.
 

TOMORROW NEW STORIES STAY TUNED