Orchestra jokes
Q: What is the
definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?
A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants?
A: They've had little use.
While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes," he replied.
A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?
A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants?
A: They've had little use.
While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes," he replied.
Playing music
Last summer, the
local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony.
However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house.
However, the wind from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had to tie them down to the note holders.
The din from the ventilators was so bad that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got royally drunk.
Two of the bassists got so drunk that they pass out.
One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell.
Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men out, and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home.
However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house.
However, the wind from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had to tie them down to the note holders.
The din from the ventilators was so bad that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got royally drunk.
Two of the bassists got so drunk that they pass out.
One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell.
Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men out, and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home.
Efficiency
From: Efficiency
& Ticket, Ltd., Management Consultants
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
Re: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.
After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:
1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.
2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.
3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.
4. In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.
Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
Re: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.
After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:
1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.
2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.
3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.
4. In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.
Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.
May I speak to the conductor
A musician calls
the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.
The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.
She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."
The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.
She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."
Musician jokes
Q: How many
musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, "I can do that!"
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach in the saddle again.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because he's Haydn!
Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A: A pair of Re-bachs.
Q: What do you call a male quartet?
A: Three men and a tenor.
A: Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, "I can do that!"
Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach in the saddle again.
Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
A: Because he's Haydn!
Q: What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.
Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A: A pair of Re-bachs.
Q: What do you call a male quartet?
A: Three men and a tenor.
Where are we?
Fritz Kriesler and
Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music,
Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are
we?"
Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"
Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"
What's that sound?
A tourist is
sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and
begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low
scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.
She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.
The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing."
She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.
The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing."
Arriving in Heaven
Three men die and
go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.
St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?
Paul: My name is Paul.
St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?
Paul: 120K.
St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?
Paul: I was a lawyer.
St. Peter: That's great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name?
Roger: My name is Roger.
St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?
Roger: 60K.
St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?
Roger: I was an accountant.
St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name?
John: My name is John.
St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?
John: About $23,000.
St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?
St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?
Paul: My name is Paul.
St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?
Paul: 120K.
St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?
Paul: I was a lawyer.
St. Peter: That's great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name?
Roger: My name is Roger.
St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?
Roger: 60K.
St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?
Roger: I was an accountant.
St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name?
John: My name is John.
St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?
John: About $23,000.
St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?
Phone songs
All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas
are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.
Mary Had A Little Lamb
3212333, 222, 399,
3212333322321 or
3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321
3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321
Jingle Bells
333, 333, 39123,
666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621
Frere Jacques
1231, 1231, 369,
369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111
Olympic Fanfare
3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231,
2222-32112321
The Butterfly Song
963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621
Happy Birthday
112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121
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